Lost and confused

[FauxLiz]

I am not really sure where to post this so move if you need to, as many of you are aware I recently spent three weeks inpatient. It was my first experience with psychiatric inpatient so it was very difficult at first as well as frustrating having to obtain permission for just about anything.

What I am finding confusing now is that I miss the hospital. As crazy as it may sound I have come to realize that this seems to be the first time I can ever remember feeling safe. Now I am questioning if the reason that I am in such a rush to return and finish the program is to feel that safety again. I am just wondering if anyone else has felt this? Is this normal?

 

[Sideways]

I am just wondering if anyone else has felt this? Is this normal?

Yes, it’s common to the point of being perfectly normal.

At some places, towards the end of an inpatient stay, staff will work with you to help you prepare for the transition back home. Because just as it took a bit of adjustment when you were first admitted, there’s an adjustment when you leave.

Experiencing a couple of weeks of depressed mood is also common. Try and be gentle with yourself and reengage with your previous routines as much as you can. This is totally normal, and it does pass:)

 

[Phantom Shadow]

I don't really see how you can handle asking for permission to do anything that would kill me. I don't ask permission for anything LOL maybe that is one of my many problems. I can see where it might become a security blanket. Like my drinking and reading use to be. A place to close off the mind from the usual world for a time.

 

[Deleted member 541]

@FauxLiz All I can say is everytime ive been in, I couldn’t wait to get out. Couldn’t stand being locked in a ward without being able to come and go as I chose. Hated not having access to my phone or iPad and only TV when they allowed. I hated it.

But, we’re all different, and you might need that structured environment and having the order that the psych wing offers you.

 

[FauxLiz]

@Sideways thanks for the encouragement, my discharge over the course of 2 hours with no notice didn't provide any time to prepare me for discharge and life back outside.

@Phantom Shadow that is what I thought and it was a huge challenge causing many a panic attack and push to find ways return to negative coping mechanisms like self harm because drinking, driving at excessive speeds, and taking extra med doses were not available. It does not feel like all that was a safe security blanket. I couldn't hurt myself and others couldn't hurt me when I was inpatient.

 

[Sideways]

my discharge over the course of 2 hours with no notice

I’d think this would have exacerbated the issue for you. The circumstances of your discharge were pretty distressing, and it makes sense to me that there’s now a big vacuum where you had a sense of safety. Even people that are able to do some preparation for an upcoming discharge are going to take time to adjust when they get home, so it totally makes sense to me that you’re under extra pressure.

 

[FauxLiz]

@Sideways it really did exacerbate things. Having the insurance cut me off and the discharge happen like that was traumatizing. I drove the 16 or so hours home and about 4 hours in I found myself struggling with SI which has come and gone and come back since I returned. I received a letter from my employer asking when I am returning to work today which launched a massive panic attack. That is what made me start thinking again about returning and wondering why because my work environment is completely toxic.

 

[Sideways]

You didn’t deserve to be treated like that. I’m so sorry for what you’ve been through, and I sincerely hope nothing like it happens again.

 

[FauxLiz]

@Sideways I just spent another 45 min on the phone with the insurance company. After speaking with a team leader this time I have filed a formal complaint regarding their authorization review process, failure to follow internal policies related to the short notice for discharge and failure to advise clients prior to hospitalization of the specific processes ongoing authorization and after hospitalization step down levels of care.

The understanding is that I will work with my outpatient therapist on submitting the information for re-admission. I will contact River Oaks tomorrow and see what the admissions rep has to say. I guess part of all this also goes back to a conversation I had with my son last night where he told me that since I got home he feels as though he can't see me, he doesn't see a person when he talks to me. I think that is because I feel flat, more depressed and as I said lost and confused.

 

[Sideways]

If it counts for anything? It’s awesome that you’re following through with a formal complaint, which is entirely appropriate. Personally I find sticking up for myself like that really difficult, so I’m cheering you on, and I hopr you get a good resolution sooner rather than later:)

 

[Freida]

Very proud of you also!!! And I think it makes perfect sense to want to go back to a safe quiet place where you can focus on healing

 

[Phantom Shadow]

@Sideways thanks for the encouragement, my discharge over the course of 2 hours with...

FauxLiz: I understand the drinking and fast speeds. Use to work it out as a way to go. Use the booze to not be able to think straight and super fast speeds so when I wrecked and pasted away my wife would get the life insurance money. Even attempted it a couple of times but I always not brave enough to make it happen. I use to drive race cars so I sub-consiously could not wreck it had to win against the curve. Then I learned that my wife figured out I had tried it and the screaming see did convinced me it would not work an she would not get the money after all. So now if I would ever wreck a car it is in my records so the side two benefits disappeared. 1. being out of the plan yes but causing my wife an kids a lot more pain and second the cure to the stressor at that time was money an it would not fix that. So all that is stated to tell you wrecking the car an dying will not help anyone but yourself.