Relationship Question for supporters on space

[Fadeaway]

Don't supporters need space sometimes too? How can someone stand to be in long term relationship without taking breaks? Don't you need time to decompress too? I understand you don't need it on the level we do, but don't you reach a saturation point?

My supporter is changing jobs due to a long commute and the start date got pushed back until next week because his background check hadn't cleared yet due to a clerical error (he is a teacher)

Between being broke and bad weather we have been cooped up in the house together for days and he is getting on my nerves. Not his fault. I have to be getting on his nerves too, at least one would think.

So I am wondering, what is a non PTSD persons saturation point where they need a break from their significant other?

I was an only child so I am sure I have a lower threshold than people with bigger families. If you wouldn't mind sharing what your threshold is, whether you are an introvert or an extrovert, and if you grew up with siblings, I would appreciate it.

Just trying to figure out what is normal.

 

[Hojay]

I'm an introvert with one sibling (older) who was quite hyperactive. From a very young age I just naturally sought out activities on my own--not so much out of conscious saturation (i.e. "I need to get away from this!") but because it was the organic thing for me to do personality wise.

I'm the same to this day. I don't actively try to "get away" from my partner out of overwhelm or saturation. There is no inner eye roll, annoyance, or aggravation to jump start it for me. I just see it as my god given right to do things on my own when and how I want to, so I don't even think about it all that much.

But if there is a saturation point? I think for me, semi-consciously, when I can tell we have little to talk about because neither of us are experiencing anything on our own, that's when I get saturated and feel the need to venture out (or in) on my own.

I do think people have different thresholds, but I don't think there is a "normal" as much as there's "compatibility" in that sense. (Except, of course, if there are some pathological abandonment issues that dictate need for closeness, etc.) I do think it's "normal" for relationships to go through cycles of closeness and separation. Sometimes both are on the same page, sometimes one is at a different point in the cycle than the other. How each can assert themselves, as well as how it's communicated, and what the other interprets it to mean seems to define how much conflict there will be about these differences.

 

[Sweetpea76]

I definitely need some space at times, and I can feel guilty for taking it. This is because a lot of times it's when my partner is highly symptomatic and I'm the lucky recipient of that fall out. I understand that he is not doing well and I can empathize, but on top of taking care of him, I still have the added pressure of dealing with a full time job and all the "life" issues he can't manage. I'm pretty patient and laid back by nature, but I'll hit a limit after a certain point, especially if he is being mean, snarky, and unappreciative. A lot of times he will isolate for a few days right around the point when I'm getting worn out too, so it naturally works itself out. There have been times, however, I've had to take space and just let him melt down and manage on his own. It was either take the space or have my own melt down. You can't melt down when you're the supporter.

 

[Friday]

You can't melt down when you're the supporter.

Sounds like being a parent.

Minus the phone call to the babysitter - I’m scheduling a breakdown on Friday, around 3pm... can you be here about 230?

 

[Sweetpea76]

Right? Only one breakdown per household allowed and a time, and he usually has dibs.

When I need one I take my snark and tears elsewhere out of sight. Mine just feeds a motherf*cker reaction out of him and makes things worse.

 

[RRT13]

Im an only child too. Mine is stressing me out this week to where Im ready to shut down and give myself my own space and not talk to him for a few days. There's only so much I can take this week before I just say screw this and not talk to him. We're long distance, too.

 

[grimalkin]

I'm an introvert, and a titch agoraphobic (though that's lessened to almost non-existence as my anxiety and depression have gotten under control). I'm also an only child.

When my sufferer was working overnight, it was almost perfect - I had alone time, we had together time. Once I got a part time job, it was still good - I could do my thing while out and about, on my way home, etc. When that job became full time, it became more stressful as well. And, sufferer was injured on the job (and ultimately retired because of it). So he was the one at home. His stress increased constantly while he was off with an injury, then long-term, then the disability ran out, but his retirement hadn't been approved yet, so we had just my income (which in our old location, California, was NOT enough to live on). With my own issues, as our stress ramped, I wanted more reassurance, more contact, more intimacy. And it didn't help that we couldn't afford to really do much (even gas sometimes had to be carefully watched - a walk around the block only goes so far). I didn't know it was making him want to bolt.

Anyway, I guess my ultimate point is - as an introvert and slightly agoraphobic, as someone who recharges at home (not even necessarily alone at home), my forays "out into the world," whether they be just to work, or a little shopping after, or on the weekend, is enough "alone" time for me. A walk or hike is enough. A pretty ride is enough. An afternoon at a coffee shop is enough. I love to travel, but I also love to come home (wherever that may be - I can also be "at home" wherever I stake my claim lol). Do I need alone time? Yup - and my daily alone time is enough for me usually. If I need more, it doesn't take much, usually, to let me decompress. My hour or two reading before bed is usually enough. Being in another room doing something else is usually enough. Being able to even just mentally check out (with reading or beading or cross stitch, etc), even if someone else is in the room, is usually enough (....being comfortable with being alone even when someone else is in the room probably speaks volumes about my life lol).

The constant for me? I will always come home, and re-engage. There is never a danger of me just taking off, forever. I wouldn't even SAY I WISH I could take off forever ("I wish I could just run away!" I heard that too much as a child, from my mother....Yeah, I have abandonment issues). There's no need to destroy everything, and make your loved ones doubt and worry about their own safety and security, to get some space.

 

[Hojay]

There's no need to destroy everything, and make your loved ones doubt and worry about their own safety and security, to get some space.

I couldn’t have said this any better. And the more it happens the more it erodes trust and safety...

 

[Deleted member 44240]

It’s rare that I need a break from my partner. The main reason would be if, emotionally, I’m not able to handle the abrasive behavior, or I can’t seem to do anything right. My ex partner meant the world to me everyday and we never really argued about anything. We also didn’t live together, so I guess that helped with space.