Hoarding cleaning... when it's someone else's mess

[littleoc]

I feel like I can't do this.

I keep having flashbacks of my dad making me clean and attacking me. I keep remembering my sister and her husband bullying me so badly that I ended up hospitalized in a hospital that abused me so badly that I still hand dreams about it. I keep thinking of my mom making fun of my efforts, or being angry about any symptom of clean up. And I look around and it's just reminding me that I've been held responsible for cleaning this stupid mess since I was a teenager. I've felt so guilty, with my mom telling me "don't you wish you lived in a house like your sister" like I was purposely trying to live in a literal disaster that ruined my ability to make friends because we couldn't hang out.

I just want a team to come in here and fix it for me. I uncovered the floor but had what felt like a life-threatening reaction to some kind of mold and my dog got sick too.

I'm in so much pain constantly and I still don't have a space for getting work and finances does, I can't even wash my dog correctly without terrible pain because my mom had almost entirely blocked off the shower.

I thought this house was my fault and since I've realized that it wasn't I've been losing my mind with intense anger and feelings of humiliation. I can't do this. I just can't. I don't know what to do.

 

[Deleted member 541]

Are you living there. If not, then leave it up to the family to do this....

 

[Still Standing]

Littleoc,

Your mind is sabotaging you. I know it must be tremendously difficult to fight with the memories of abuse BUT, as I am learning,....they are just memories. The past cannot hurt you anymore. You have been so conditioned to take on the family junk and carry a load you were not meant to carry that your mind has taken on the role of those who hurt and negatively influenced you. Of all the kids in the family to have to clean up my mom's hoarding, it was the one she hated that had to do it...me. She wanted her favorite daughter to take care of her and her mess but when it was time to step up, the favorite daughter refused to help. I decided that I could now take authority and I was going to decided what to throw and what to keep. My mom had absolutely no say in what, how, when, or why I did with her house and belongings. I had power over her for the first time in my life. It was a hard job but I also let it be therapeutic, too. It was a sad journey. It did not take all the PTSD black holes away but it did give me the understanding that my mom could hold no more abuse over me. In your case, if your emotional pain is so inhibiting you, it would be just fine to have someone come in and clean it for you. Whatever you decide is best. It still gives you power over the situation. It sounds like you have given it your best, in regard to cleaning, too. That is to be commended because a hoarder's house is a difficult thing to face. And if it is unsafe, health-wise, so much more that you should call in the professionals to clean it out. If your emotional pain is too difficult to deal with, take the route of least resistance, my friend. Don't let the house become another avenue of abuse for you. This is one time, when asking for help is absolutely necessary. And you should be proud of yourself for even working so hard at trying to clean up the hoarding. It is not a pleasant job for a "normal" person, let alone one with PTSD. Hang in there! You can do this.

 

[Neverthesame]

There are companies that specialise in cleaning hoarder homes, quite a few in fact.

I don't know what it would cost to hire one, but you really could have a team come in and do it for you.

If that's not an option, just keep taking it one piece at a time. Don't look at the big picture, just focus on what is right in front of you. It could make it less daunting for you.
Every piece is progress.

Also, if cleanup is a symptom, walking away is the treatment for it. Your mother is an adult, it's her house, she is responsible for it's upkeep.
If you are willing to do this for her as a courtesy, awesome.
If she can't at least be civil with you, she can pay for the cleanup crew.

 

[littleoc]

Reaching out for help became me trying not to figuratively sell my soul?

I reached out to a nearby company that does hoarding cleanup. Explained that PTSD was preventing me from getting it gone, that I could really use some professional help. Hard to reach out like that, so I've kept my identity as secret as I could.

They'll give me an estimate tomorrow. Probably other info. I'm doubting I'll be able to afford it. But the other person who contacted me later was likely trying to scare me?

I got contacted by a producer for Hoarders USA, which is a television show. She wanted to give me a free clean up, plus therapy afterward. Obviously in exchange for being on camera.

I think she was interested because of my PTSD, the service dog, and the fact that it's not our mess. We've just been trying to survive, and we've been trying to clean it for 10 years.

But I fear exploitation.

My initial reaction (all this was over text) was absolutely not.

Then she said the stuff about it being free, that they'll be therapy to keep it up, and they'd pay for every single cost. They can afford stuff like that.

It made me uncertain and sick. Like I was being tempted to sell out myself.

But on top of this, I haven't even told my mom that I've called for ANY help. I am not going to mention anything until after the estimate.

And then I still might not. If it's what the Hoarders USA said, it'd be between 10,000-50,000 dollars... so, not affordable? But she may have been trying to frighten me?

I was so tempted that I went to my twin brother. I don't normally. He seems to look down on my emotions and I always believe him. But he told me that they were probably trying to exploit me. They may have been told about the PTSD, the dog, and our dad. A good story. And that'd mean I'd be vulnerable and it'd be hard to turn them down.

So he helped me craft a message that explained to the producer that their "invention" would do more harm than good.

My mom is terrified of cameras. I have been filmed against my will and am also terrified. And I don't want our emotions to be entertainment.

Yet I'm still tempted to find people who have tried it out? To see if they (Hoarders USA) really helped.

I'm so afraid I'll have to leave this house like this forever. I've needed an inhaler twice now for breathing problems -- and I don't have a lung issue. What else am I going to uncover?

So stressed out. I wish those people hadn't contacted me. Brother is right though, feels too good to be true. The catch (as far as I know, "agreeing to be in camera") would haunt me...

Ugh.

We'll see what the estimate is tomorrow. If I bring this up to my mom, it'll have to be calmly and without being emotional. But I can't clean it.

I absolutely hate this.

"intervention"

Not "invention"

Too stressed out.

 

[shimmerz]

became me trying not to figuratively sell my soul?

I would say this sentence is authentic to you as it came out first, loud and strong. If in doubt, I would say go with this line of thinking. Not because I think it is best but because it seems like you see it as a soul crusher. That's serious.

 

[Still Standing]

On the other hand, although I do agree with shimmerz, this might get the therapy our mom needs to address her hoarding need. I think I would venture out and ask your mom, in passing, if she has ever thought about having someone come and help her with "the house". Tell her you know it must be a burden, once in awhile. Be light about it. She how she reacts. Her level of reaction could give you either an opening to further address her with having the Hoarding folks come help, (or anybody's help) with free therapy to help her or to back away from help. Is the poor health worth continuing in a hoarding situation? This would be my concern. If the hoarding is affecting health then it puts a larger level of importance on the matter. Talk to your therapist about this, too. Maybe there are other avenues, in which to manage your mom's hoarding, that the therapist might know. I am so sorry that you have to live in this situation. I hope you can find a solution. As a caveat, having a cameraman following everyone around would certainly add to the level of stress. It sounds like it would be pretty hard for you to deal with. In the end, if you are dependent on your mom for housing, you have to decide how best to manage that. Perhaps, as you have been doing, making your own room, your safe place, may be your best bet, right now. You are to be commended in following through and calling about costs for clean-up. That in itself is a huge step toward improvement, whether it is feasible for you or not. I find calling for help to a big issue so in my eyes, you rock!:tup:

 

[littleoc]

The most powerful tool of the oppressor is the mind of the oppressed. - Steven Biko

Who moderates th...

This is not particularly helpful

 

[littleoc]

I'm sorry. I'll delete it. I didn't choose my threads as wisely as I'd hoped to

Thank you

Maybe consider not spamming where people are genuinely looking for help. The mods are doing the best they can

 

[littleoc]

No, there aren't. I'm sorry for upsetting you, but I've tried other avenues, as have some wonderful me...

I've been here longer than you have. I was a guest before I was a member. I've managed to talk things out with staff and I have seen some of the members become staff, and at least once seen staff go back down to member. They're human beings. They're not perfect. They're trying to make this site safe and with strict boundaries -- something many of us have difficulty with. I'm glad you're sticking up for those you care about, but think you're taking the wrong avenue. Especially when a group makes this everyone's issue in a way that is harmful. It's drama that's largely inappropriate. That's the last thing I'll say about it

Actually, one more thing. I really care about you and think you're awesome, witty, and clever. I just don't like the way this has been executed. I just wanted to make sure you know.

 

[Still Standing]

Hey, litleoc, how did it go with trying to ask your mom about getting help to clean the house? Is there any progress?

 

[littleoc]

Hey, litleoc, how did it go with trying to ask your mom about getting help to clean the house?...

Oh, I never updated, did I? My bad

I brought my mom into a session with my therapist, because when I tried to bring it up elsewhere I wasn't able to talk. In session, though, I was able to tell it like a story.

She doesn't want to be on TV for this but seemed to change her mind the more I talked. She's willing to talk to the producer of the show, and work out a plan (it is HER house, after all).

Like @shimmerz was saying, it seemed like a bad idea simply because it felt like I was selling my soul -- it was too good to be true and felt like some kind of temptation. So... I decided to research them a little and it seems like a better option than I had thought. Scary, though...

But I think my mom is considering it. If she does, the crew won't be here until June, July, August, or as late as September. I hope my mom agrees to let them help.

I also found out that the producer who contacted me has been in the show -- she is a recovered hoarder. That helped a lot to know.

Thanks for checking up :) hopefully I'll be able to update with even better news soon. It'll be so nice to have a clean house