Intentionally avoiding reality

[cinderellafaye]

I have the strong need to avoid reality.

I do everything in my power to do so (not eat, not sleep, run obsessively, self harm, intentionally retraumatize myself, etc). I want to be numb and disconnected. I do not want my life to be real. I dont want to be that person that those things happened to. That was not me. I am merely recalling something that I vaguely remember from a television show or something similar.

What happened was not that bad. I just overreact. I have no idea why I blow everything out of porportion. Nothing happened.

I truly think that facing reality will kill me. I am not strong enough.

Recently, I met someone that is upfront and open about her past even though I have not shared mine. I dont understand how she can be that way and am in awe. Honestly, I question the veracity of what she has shared because it seems impossible that she can be so transparent with herself and the world at large. Here she is sharing the details of her childhood trauma to a new person with such candor and I am unable to really discuss it with my long term therapist or myself. She has absolutely no knowledge of our similar pasts. We are merely newfounded running friends

 

[Mach123]

I think it comes in its own time. I never thought I'd say it out loud ever. Or I tried to say it over and over but no one heard me. It comes out though it has to come out and IDK where the strength comes from. I say it now to people if I think it'll help them. I get emotional though I've gotten it out but I start crying very suddenly and I don't expect it. I think about it and imagine myself saying like "Oh CSA. Yeah, I have that that's what happened to me." Like it was nothing. My first therapist told me I'd get like that I would just be able to say it but I have to say I'm nowhere near that. In another discussion, it was "I have PTSD" but not even that because someone asked me why once. "You don't want to know." I had to come face to face with it though, myself. I didn't want to know either. I actually was trying to "do away with that part of myself so it wouldn't come out." You can't just eliminate that part though. All of you gets eliminated.

 

[EveHarrington]

You’ve got this rock solid wall that keeps you from dealing with your trauma.

She’s going the verbal diarrhea route and telling everyone everything.

Both are extreme, and both are unhealthy... The truth is that the healthiest response is somewhere in between....dealing with the trauma, and sharing on an appropriate level, to people you’ve known for awhile and have built up trust with over time.

 

[Freida]

I dont want to be that person that those things happened to. That was not me. I am merely recalling something that I vaguely remember from a television show or something similar. What happened as not that bad. I just overreact. I have no idea why I blow everything out of porportion. Nothing happened. I truly think that facing reality will kill me. I am not strong enough.

yep - been there! (who am I kidding - still am.) My T tells me all the time I'm afraid of feeling. I say it's because i will dissolve into a puddle of goo and disappear if I do. I totally get not wanting to be THAT person, that it wasn't that bad, that I'm making it up, blah bah blah.

You are, it was, your not. But you have to discover that for yourself and that can take time. And that's ok. Take it in baby steps. I was afraid that reality would whoosh in and drown me if I let it. That if I let in one small tiny itty bitty part the dam would break and pooof! No more Freida. But my T taught me to let it in -- slowly, a little at a time. She calls it building my window of tolerance. We take it in little bitty chunks, until I'm ready to move to the next one.

It does get easier. It's still hard and I still fight it - a lot. But as you let it out you start to lighten some of that horrible pressure pushing down on you. And you build coping mechanisms that make the process less painful, which means reality can be less painful and scary

 

[Mach123]

She may be more astute than you realize. Although she can't know she may have sensed something about you. She could be a gift and someone you could confide in. When the student is ready, the teacher appears. It might be your time. I hope you have a new friend and maybe a valuable new alliance. You will know what to do. I think it's exciting. I know how hard it is but it's also exciting. It's a process.

 

[Freida]

hope you have a new friend and maybe a valuable new alliance.

I was lucky enough to find a new friend who had survived a kidnapping by a serial killer when she was 14. Fast forward 20 years and she is still really messed up, but she is able to talk about her experience. That gave me some well needed guidance in the early months of this stupid process. Listening to her was sometimes triggering - but it also made me realize that my story was true, that horrible things happen to people sometimes.

 

[Mach123]

I had a girlfriend who was married to a serial killer. Quite famous case actually. She and I have the same birthday which was another feature of my trauma and what happened with me in regards to women. She is dealing with all that now in terms of trauma, 50 years later. Neither of us would have guessed or knew anything about trauma or PTSD back then but we did go to therapy together. It makes me laugh now to think about it. : )

 

[Bristol]

Just reading this after a T session on the same. I cant see what happened as a big deal, i cant see it how other people would. Im working on it but to be honest i dont want to know the scale of it. I know this doesnt actually help but its helped me to know im not the only one facing this!

 

[lizbeth27]

I think sometimes people's level of disclosure/openness about their lives can change depending on lots of factors. It's pretty common to be overly open about something that's very painful at times -- secrets can destroy and I wonder if she spilled her guts out to you because she feel like you would understand somehow, or that she feels you are trustworthy.

I wouldn't doubt her experience because of the way she is dealing with it and because it feels alien to you. I would personally take her openness as a compliment, but of course you shouldn't feel inclined to reciprocate with your own story. She may well have been completely silent about it until she couldn't any longer, leading to the opposite reaction. Maybe she has a therapist that she feels doesn't fully understand because they haven't been through it themselves, and would prefer to talk about it outside of that environment. But who knows. I had a period where I suddenly opened up to anyone and everyone who would listen, basically about anything going through my head, because I just feel like I was drowning and didn't feel I had much to lose. Obviously it didn't fully work in my favour and I can see now why others might have felt I was obnoxious or innappropriate, but those just weren't my concerns at that time. And keeping everything hidden was worse.

 

[grit]

I kept my mouth shut for 46 years and now I feel liberated by sharing but obviously it depends where and with whom. But also weirdly people tell me their trauma all the time even at work!

I used cringe with trauma talk now my heart sinks in and I feel human with them.

I hope you find your footing but the fact you are in awe of this woman tells me she is touching a good place in you.

 

[shimmerz]

I do not want my life to be real.

Most of my life has been built upon a lie I was told my entire life. I built my persona around that lie. I built all I was based on that lie. And then my psyche completely shattered around me in learning that lie wasn't the truth.

I realized somewhere along the way that I had to be brave enough to rebuild based on truths. Hard freaking truths. I hate knowing the truth. But for me, it has been the only way out. I don't think much healing can happen if we hold onto denial and lies. Just my personal opinion.