Childhood Animal abuse/ father killed pets in front of me

[Lionheart]

I have only spoke of this a couple of times in the past as most of my words were met with silence, but I need to discuss the fact that my father used to kill my pets in front of me when I was ages 3 to 5 yrs old. These were usually cats/kittens but sometimes it was a dog/puppy. (He also killed my family dog when I was 13, though it was done out of my sight.)

Whenever I asked my therapist about this type of abuse and it's affects on me, I was met with total silence, which left me bewildered.

So I recently, looked up a case where an animal was abused/killed in front of a 10-year-old boy and the result was that the father faced hundreds of dollars in fines, around 3 years of jail time, and the judge had ordered a psychiatric evaluation, (for the father), and time with rehabilitation services. Little was said about the man's son, likely due to the boy's age.

This was a shock to me because I hadn't made the connection between what my father had done, to me and my pets, and a crime......although I now understand that it was a crime.

I am not sure why I need to talk about this, I am not looking for sympathy, but rather understanding of what happened and it's potential after-affects, etc. I suppose and I need to also get some closure so that I can place this in my past and be done with it.

I realize that it doesn't make sense to abuse a pet or a child, much less both,...still there is a part of me that wants to make sense of it all. I don't think I had words for my experiences at the time they were taking place. I have struggled in silence for the longest time and now, I need to speak out about it.

I fear that I am doing something really bad by talking about it, but I have to put a voice to this...finally. If I have spoken about this before I have totally forgotten.

 

[Enaila]

I have nightmares as well about my uncles and an aunt doing cruel things to kittens. My dad gave my favorite cat away to my aunt... I don't remember why, but was probably because I forgot to do something minor. Anyway, I knew she would asphyxiate it by using her car exhaust pipe like she had done to other cats. I remember standing at the picture window sobbing hysterically as she took my cat.

My ex also was abusive to our dog....the violence turned on me when I tried to rescue the dog from the many layers of duct tape around her muzzle. He was beating her with a two by four. Deep breath. I am flashing, but I know sharing will help me heal.

Years later, I would work with children in my role as a special education teacher. The kids who had no problem hurting animals, often displayed severe emotional disabilities and were violent and cruel to others as adults. Animal abuse is a clear sign a person isn't to be trusted.

Talking helps heal...keep sharing!

 

[Angrboda]

My father would intentionally run over our cats then brag about it later like it was a fun game. Part of why I will no longer try to keep a cat is because he intentionally ran over a tiny little kitten that I brought out to his house. Of course he denies this when I try to call him out on his sh*t and just claims that I imagined everything and that I'm delusional and psychotic and I don't know what's real. F*cker.

I definitely understand your need to make sense of it, but so far I have never been able to. I just tell myself it's good that I don't understand, because the only people who understand the actions of evil abusive douchebags are other evil abusive douchebags, and thank the gods that I'm not one of them.

 

[Anarchy]

Hi Lionheart.

I've been through this with my T.

Seeing pets killed deliberately (or with a thin pretense of an accident) can be a pretty big trauma for a child

It conveys a message of threat to life,

of absense of any safety for your little friends, and by implication, and absence of safety for you.

It's also a thoroughly shameful thing to discuss

And yeah, it can lead to some very unpleasant (and even criminal in some places) acting out.

Sorry that you experienced it too.

 

[Lionheart]

It's also a thoroughly shameful thing to discuss

I am not sure what you mean, am I wrong to discuss it here? Did I do something wrong? Maybe I am not understanding correctly, I feel confused.

 

[Angrboda]

You don't need to feel ashamed. The people who abuse animals need to feel ashamed. You're not doing anything wrong.

 

[Lionheart]

You're not doing anything wrong.

Whew!!! Thank you!!! I was worried there for a bit that I had done something wrong.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

My step father and my mom forced me to kill hundred upon hundreds (I think thounsands, since I had to burry them all in my backyard. I used to count but then lost count at a few hundred) animals. I tried making crosses for them all but got punished for it. It was done as cult rituals. Then I tried making one of the kittens (he would find boxes of them and bring them home for rituals) a pet and hid it in my closet. Fed it milk and crackers (cause I had no idea what they ate and we didnt have cat food) but the kitten made a lot of noise and he found it. He took that kitten, that I named Gizmo, and lifted it it the air by it's neck (not the scruff, he had his hand around its neck) and I was on my knees begging him to not hurt it. He broke its neck and I'm not sure if it died from that or from being choked.

It has effects on me. Effects that will never go away. The sound that an animal makes when it's dying is unique and it will never leave my head. We killed about every small animal possible. Everythung from rats and rodents to cats to small dogs to racoons and possums. I had to learn to find the jugular. Because that was the most effcient kill and that is where all the blood is which is what they were after. There was a metal bowl collecting its blood that they would then use in said ritual that was always some how sexual.

My therapist said that I am not like them. I'm not a psychopath because I tried to make crosses for the graves and tried to make one a pet. That even though its all I knew that I knew it wasn't right. Not so sure I believe him but its what he says.

Those screams are still in my nightmares every night. I still jolt awake several times I night from those screams. Every night. I'm not sure they will every go away.

 

[Lionheart]

@lostforgottensoul ,

The thing I like most is, now that I am grown, I can protect my pets better from harm. I am very protective of animals, children, and loved ones and have been from a very young age. I think your T is right, that you are not like them. We didn't have a choice then, we do now. My 2 cents.

 

[Deleted member 8714]

My mother used to drown new born kittens in coffee cans. Her reasoning was there were too many kittens to get rid of by giving them away. Numerous times I caught her in the middle of killing the kittens. One time there were four of them she was holding under water at once.

I'm triggered by death of animals and humans, so I'd imagine that this will remain a memory for me the rest of my life which I cannot make go away no matter how much I work on it. I've accepted it and that's as far as it will go.

 

[Lionheart]

This has got to be the most disheartening and disgusting thread I have ever had the displeasure of starting!!!

I just want to say that I am sorry that I needed to bring up the subject in the first place and that I am even more sorry that such things exist.

Please forgive me and understand my need to talk about these things so that I can put them to rest. I want the memories to fade away if possible, to process the trauma and move on.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Please forgive me and understand my need to talk about these things so that I can put them rest

No need to appolpgize and it's completely understandable that you need to talk about it. I've talked about these things before. Trauma is disgusting and very uncomfortable to talk about. Plus you are likely getting triggered by each story. Maybe its better to talk about how to move on from it or do the stories help? Just a suggestion of course. Whatever helps you is obvioisly best.