The journey begins ... or continues ... articulating the rollercoaster that is my life

[Freida]

To me, you are a truly heroic human being and I am utterly in awe of your spirit, wisdom, kindness and courage.

Thank you -- your timing is priceless :hug:

 

[mumstheword]

Thank you -- your timing is priceless :hug:

I just read some of your latest diary. I'm crying now.
The submission stuff? I get the difficulty with that stuff, I really do. I can't even talk much about that stuff, you're paving the way for me a little.
I understand the minimizing too, it's part of how we frame what we've had to survive, to get through it, we have to see it as "not that bad".
I'm upset about what's happening in your country with police being gunned down and a lot of crazy stuff, too.
Here we have people sticking up for gangs that terrorize people in Melbourne with machetes. People that were born here but their parents come from Africa (Sudan) so that's ok then. Crazy. The world is full of crazy.

At one point I didn't know if it was just me, who was crazy, or if it was everyone.
Now I know it's those with no love in their hearts and minds full of distortions. People who won't learn to think and reason and care and admit what's needed, to own up to what needed to own up to.
We are all hurting but some of us respond and some don't, they manipulate and dominate and separate and captivate and try to conquer and control.

We are recovering, we are responding, we are caring, we are healing, we are helping other's to find some love and illumination to light their paths. I hope so anyway.

 

[mumstheword]

So my beautiful precious son spent time with me today. He came out to a cafe we catch up in and we spent lots of time together.

Most of my children have admitted how stressful it is at their Dad's, they want out.

My son is angry with his Dad, most of my children are.

He knows that we've both been badly abused by him.
It's hard to watch him struggling with being there and knowing he's been so damaged from it and not being able to take him away, yet.
It's hard knowing that I'm so worn down and unwell and that I can't do anymore than I'm doing, at the moment.
He's not talking suicidal anymore though, maybe he would if I wasn't here for him though.
The stress from all and everything is wearing me out, badly.
I need to get away from here, badly.
I need a home, not just a roof in squalor, in a ghetto.
I need a safe place for my children and I . To learn to thrive instead of just survive.

 

[mumstheword]

I got stuck, at five, way back, early, in this diary. But before five I was already terrified. We moved out into the bush, away from the festival site where there had been naked people everywhere. Away from the little cottage where the police had trashed our place because of the weed plant mum's 17 year old boyfriend was blamed for (I think mum just blamed him, coz she is consummate at passing the buck). I remember her screaming at the police.

We moved into the bush. I started school and I had to walk a long way, every morning and afternoon, through the bush, on my own.
I was very scared because I had already narrowly escaped being bitten by a lethal baby brown snake and I would stomp and growl like a lion to scare the snakes away.

The only reason I knew that the Brown snake could have killed me, is the way my mum responded when I walked over the snake. She screamed and I was so frightened I walked back over the snake to get to my mum. The poor little snake had its head up to bite me, but somehow, I avoided getting bitten.

I still had to walk to and from the main road by myself.

It was around this time that I helped my mum and her boyfriend build a stone half-wall for the little cottage we used as the kitchen and mum's bedroom. For some reason I don't ever remember sleeping in there. I remember having to sleep in a separate building, which was frightening because I had terrible nightmares. Reoccurring nightmares. I would try to get comfort from my mum, but she was not a comforting sort of person. She would either freak out at me or refuse to let me in and tell at me to go back to bed. Bed was in another building by myself. This was around about the time I began to think, "there's something very wrong going on, on this planet, I'm not sure what's going on, but I want to find out."
I knew my mum didn't like me. Her boyfriend did, but she didn't.

 

[mumstheword]

Mum got sick, very sick with tick bites. She went to hospital. I don't remember where I went or who looked after me.

I used to flash my privates in the school ground. Not sure why. It was something I did for "friends".

I was scared of the nuns who taught at my school. I was mostly scared, in general. This was still 5.
Once I had a very vivid nightmare where I had a bald head and another head-size&-shape growth on top of my head, also bald. I ran into my mum and begged her to "cut my head off". I was very upset and confused.
My mum was disturbed.
I was still 5.
I also swam in the creek and it was literally ice cold. The kind of cold that you just get out of as quickly as you can because it's too cold to breath in.
Mum's 17 year old boyfriend had a motor bike accident. Nasty gravel wound all up one side . My mum put paw paw ointment on it.
She used to tell me how like my Dad I was, but she moved across the ocean away from my Dad and I could tell she didn't like him either.
That boyfriend didn't last too long but I wish he hadn't said that he was going to come back to marry me, because my mum got meaner to me after that. I don't remember that much. It wasn't good though.

 

[Freida]

Oh that poor punkin --- 5 years old and already scared and on her own. That is so very sad. She needs to know you love her and you will do whatever is necessary to help her not be scared anymore

It's hard knowing that I'm so worn down and unwell and that I can't do anymore than I'm doing, at the moment.

What you are doing is what he needs! You are being his mom and letting him know you love him. Can you fix his problems? Nope. Can you offer support and love? yep. That's really all he needs.....

 

[littleoc]

I'm really glad that baby snake gave you a chance. Seems that snake knew something about you that you didn't?

Anyway, it makes me sad that your mom didn't love you or that your mom had you walking through there like that, or sleeping alone elsewhere.

You really came out strong though.

I hope your kids do leave their dad behind soon

 

[mumstheword]

@Thank you @Freida and @littleoc . I'm having a hard day. I'm a mess today. A nervous, depressed wreck, but rereading what you both wrote, the kindness you show me, has helped because now I'm crying, which is a step up from the black cloud/black dog, guilt and anxiety, hopelessness and end-of-tetherness I was feeling.

Now I'm grieving for that lonely, frightened wee girl. Healthy grief tears. I needed this. It unfreezes me.

I am feeling lots of guilt and shame and "I failed my children-ness" I found out last night, that my oldest son is in court today, a drug possession charge. He didn't call me, I didn't even text him any support. I was planning to this morning, instead I was in a depressed, avoidant-of-life sleep-stupor. I am worried for him and feeling the ongoing effects of my crappy choices and drug culture upbringing, the kind I am desperately trying to escape.

It was those "special" mushrooms.
I used to indulge in them. Actually they were one of those things that made me crazier but helped me out of suicidal and s/h chronic depression when I was a raped, demoralized, homeless 16 year old.
So, it's pretty much my fault that he's in this position.
I was a "mushroom princess" that was what someone called me.
I still think they can be a useful drug/medicine for hopelessly depressed suicidal people but I hate that my oldest kid is being criminalized for them. He didn't have a lot on him, they were just for personal, but I still blame myself for him being in this position.

I've been having those horrible thoughts, about I should have just done it, done everyone a favour and taken myself out, instead of bringing more people into my miserable life. My kid's struggles are a direct result of my actions, or inactions.
As my oldest daughter said many years ago "I'm angry at you, mum, because you brought me into this f*cked up planet."
Why is my well-being so directly tied to that of my children? I think It is more extreme for me than others I know. How people can be so callous to children, I don't know. I can't bare them being frightened, depressed or unsupported , I think because my childhood and adolescence where so fraught with those very intense experiences and emotions.

I know they are not unsupported in the way that I was, though.
My oldest daughter went to court with my son today.
My youngest daughter lent her some shoes for the occasion.
Teamwork, something kind of foreign for me personally, but also something I'm constantly trying to facilitate. No that's not true, I've done loads of collaborative music, I just struggle to be in a leadership position, not worthy enough of enlisting the kinds of support I truly need to thrive, but I'm working on it. I'm good in partnership, I think.

I also failed to get something done in time for my youngest daughter, well, we both did. It was an important job-tax related thing.
Paperwork, ID that sort of thing. Her birth certificate for her tax file number. Now I fear the "compliance officer" has gone on leave and we might not get it in time to get her tax file number in the timeframe her boss has given her.
Giving myself a hard time about that too.

Thanks for reading, you all help me, more than.you can know.

 

[littleoc]

I wish I could help you with this, but I can say that it wasn't your fault. You didn't get up one day and plan, "I'm going to bring five kids into the world so that they hate life like I do."

I struggle with anger at my mom, but that's mostly because I'm working things out in myself and never felt okay expressing it at her.. I was worried I'd break her. I have difficulty accepting that she can technically take care of herself. But I've gotten to a point where I enjoy life well enough and I'm glad I was born, despite the hell of childhood I had. If it helps you to know that, at all

The only reason I've blamed my mom is because she couldn't see what she can see now, and my insane dad was the normal and wasn't capable of change -- nor of accepting my anger. He just doesn't care. So it gets directed at my mom. It doesn't really matter if it was her fault or not at this point, though. She had to heal too

But anyway, I hope that helps you a little. I wish I could do more. One day at a time

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

((( Sweet @mumstheword )))
I am sending :hug::hug::hug::hug::hug: to YOU, especially the "little girl" inside you... The one whose own childhood was stolen.

You have done and ARE doing the BEST you can with the tools that you are still learning! You did the ONLY thing you could do at the time and THAT was to survive! If you had "opted out" of this life, your children wouldn't be surviving now. Sure, there is still a LOT of work to do but they KNOW that they are LOVED by their MUM!!!

WE know how VITAL it is to their SOULS to know that they are WANTED, VALUED, AND NEEDED IN THIS WORLD. THAT is the GIFT we give our children. Unconditional Love. Agape.

I did the quote thing wrong here but I wanted to say something about what you said:

"Why is my well-being so directly tied to that of my children? I think It is more extreme for me than others I know. How people can be so callous to children, I don't know. I can't bare them being frightened, depressed or unsupported , I think because my childhood and adolescence where so fraught with those very intense experiences and emotions....."
"...I know they are not unsupported in the way that I was, though."

I know that I feel the SAME way about my son and heart-adopted daughter. I NEED them to be ok for ME to be ok. I know that isn't exactly "right" but I can't change it. I also have a hard time if I think they are frightened, hurt, hungry, cold, or depressed. I would rather take ALL of that FOR them and FROM them. But, in reality we DO want them to grow only without the pain that we felt in being unheard and unseen by those who were supposed to teach us about being loved and cared for.

I know that part of my not being able to "let go" of needing my kids to be ok has to do with having lost a child. Such profound loss never really goes away. You have had more than your share of losses ((( :hug: )))

Try not to be too hard on yourself? You ARE doing the BEST that you can right now and I think it's pretty darn GOOD!!!

(I apologise for not being here supporting you!)
I read your posts as you share your story, your ups and downs, and see that you are giving WONDERFUL support to others here in the Forum. You are CERTAINLY an asset here!

One of my very best friends died in late February and I haven't been very productive since then. She fought long and hard, and it was really rough for her family. I couldn't be there since I take care of my mom. My heart still can't believe that my "California" is gone from this world.

I haven't forgotten you, and I keep you in my prayers!

Keep on keeping on

 

[mumstheword]

I wish I could help you with this, but I can say that it wasn't your fault. You didn't get up one day...

Thank you littleoc. It does help. I think my kids are in a similar position, except their Dad is more covert, more cunning and less overtly malevolent and violent and sociopathic.

He is a "slow cooker" a "frog boiler" so that the lies and damage is done so insidiously and subtlety its hard to get clear about, but after 29 years and seven children, I have a pretty good idea.
My youngest daughter gave me a hug and lifted any blame I had directed at myself today. It helped.

 

[Freida]

Why is my well-being so directly tied to that of my children?

I can't bare them being frightened, depressed or unsupported ,

uhmmmm.... I think that's called being a good mom. I mean, those are the things the moms I know all say --- and most of the moms I know are mini van driving soccer moms who aren't homeless or on drugs. So............. guess you are closer to the way a good mom is than you think.