The journey begins ... or continues ... articulating the rollercoaster that is my life

[mumstheword]

((( Sweet @mumstheword )))
I am sending :hug::hug::hug::hug::hug: to YOU, es...

Thank you @Angelkeeper :cry: your loving, feeling, grieving, understanding voice brought my tears again.
Many:hug::hug::hug::hug::hug: back.

I haven't many words yet. Lots of love and gratitude, N (my actual name initial)

 

[mumstheword]

uhmmmm.... I think that's called being a good mom. I mean, those are the things the moms I know all say...

Sweetheart:x3:
Funny, my kids (especially my youngest) keep telling me that, that I'm a "good mum" I think they are kind and clever to say it, but I'm only at the stage that I can admit I want to believe that I am a good mum but I don't believe I am yet, I also want to be a good mum.

I think it's part cognitive distortion from always being taught I'm not good enough I don't count, my feelings don't matter, I'm only as good as the service I give others, things like that, I can't experience myself as adequate no matter what I do, but if I do something I cognitively know, that, what I do deliver is, either undeniably acceptable, or else somewhat exceptional (based on available data) only then, do I feel temporarily acceptable.

Being unwell is just one of those things isn't it?
Crap feelings beget crap feelings.
:poop:=:poop:.

See, I know my mother was utterly and.miserably failed by her mother.

Think of the aunt that Harry Potter "blew up", in Prisoner of Azkaban and then cross her with an animal hoarder and classic hypochondriac , that what my mum's mum's like, only she despises her own daughter, and yet would have her as a slave (in the narcissist way). So, my mum was failed miserably by her mum, although her grandmother took care of her and loved her (my mum, that is). Mum's grandma died when I was two. I've only ever seen her as a ghost (that I can remember)I think it was her anyway. I'll go into it later, that's at seven.

Anyway, so I've come to the realization that my mother failed me, drastically, I think,
actually I'm not entirely convinced of that, but I know I think it wasn't adequate.

I know I think that it wasn't adequate because I was a very scared, demoralized and hurt child who just got more and more c-ptsdy.

I kind of blame my mum for that, more than anyone else, but then, she must have had it too, I think.

So, you see, because that's what I have, couldn't I fail any one of my children, just as miserably?

So, so scary, that thought.:coffee::dpressed::nailbiting::sorry::wideeyed::woot:

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

I KNOW that if "Mother Love" could be measured by the size of YOUR "heart of hearts", then YOU would be WINNING ANY contest!

On a daily basis, you are attacking your mental, emotional and spiritual health issues, FOR your children with a vengeance! I know that God has entrusted them to YOU because He knows what you are capable of, and how He created you. YOU are NOT capable of being ANYTHING like your mum!!! He made YOU to be the BEST YOU that there is! ONLY YOU are uniquely YOU! I "recognized" your heart as one that LOVES your children in the way that I love mine. Honestly, I believe that PTSD Moms...(who are able to get some kind of help with managing their symptoms) can be some of the BEST moms there are! I think that our intuition becomes sharper when we have had to be the ones to take care of ourselves. Our whole lives.

You are quite opposite, even though you will have SOME of her traits and characteristics. You have CHOSEN to STAY in life, FIGHTING EVERY day to get stronger! What an AWESOME example to your children! They SEE you working for, and TOWARDS them!

The BEAUTY that defines YOUR HEART belongs to you, regardless of how you FEEL... Feelings make it seem like the lying voices in our heads are telling us the absolute truth. Quite frequently it's the opposite! Your (our) brains/psyches were "brainwashed" into thinking that we are LESS THAN loveable and not worthy of the LOVE that EVERYONE DESERVES! NO child deserves to be mistreated or devalued. EVER.

You ARE a fighter, and that makes YOU a WINNER in MY book! I don't believe that God causes bad things to happen, but I DO believe that He can and will use ANY and all of our circumstances for His, and OUR greater good.

You have MANY GIFTS... And your BEST gift is LOVING your children! The others express themselves through your songs and through your gift of making others feel safe and loved!

Please take good care of your "little" N
((( :hug: ))) The best gift you can give your kids is to be as HAPPY and HEALTHY as possible so that they have THEIR MUM for as long as possible':hug:

 

[mumstheword]

I KNOW that if "Mother Love" could be measured by the size of YOUR "heart of hearts", then YOU...

That was such a lovely and affirming message to wake up to! Thank you lovely Angelkeeper!
Us mums who have suffered so and experienced having children with disabilities, loss and hardships with the other parents really go through so much intense parenting pain!
Not that I can compare to what you've been through, I've only lost relationship with my born children and losing the tiny human beans growing inside.
It all hurts though.

I experience the most wonderful sense of wholeness when.I get to see, care and spend time with my children.
I was lucky enough to spend time with 4 of them today.
I took my nearly 17 year old daughter and my nearly 20 year old son to the movies today and bought them books to furnish their passions and inspire them to learn to cook and eat healthy food.
My oldest son drove them in to meet me so I got to see him and hug him too. He is not far off 28!
It was the first time that has ever happened.

My youngest son, my twelvey, doesn't go down to his Dad's much anymore. He says it's a stressful environment and he doesn't like the drug taking scene of it.
:joyful:.

 

[mumstheword]

I'm thinking I should write something about something that I can't get over but it's so hard to put these things into words.
My ex.
Man, he's hurt me.
I will talk about the feelings, because I can't talk about events.
Wow, the sense of betrayal is immense.
I am so dehumanized having been through what I have with him.

I was lured in by him, as a hurt child and I became his slave, his child baring breeder, his trophy child-sex-slave.

Such a frightened little girl with rapists and sexual predators all around me. No family, no one. I thought he was ok because his songs sounded honourable and caring and responsive.

Boy, was I wrong. He's a very damaged man. A cruel, selfish, malignant, narcissistic parasitic cold-as-ice man. He despises me. I was only a useful thing to him. He boasted once, how he had wanted a homeless girl for a girlfriend, someone he could "mould".

He spent 21 years breaking me down, holding me to ransom (over my children) controlling me, manipulating me, torturing me, exploiting me, boiling me like a frog, brainwashing me like a cult leader, killing me slowly, so slowly.
I still can't talk about feelings, events. I'm still intellectualizing this stuff. Yes I do feel like a fraud, a liar, full of hyperbole, weak, stupid, like a non-human, a scumbag, a fake, blaming someone else like someone who can't own their own mistakes, a crazy, someone who doesn't deserve to have feelings, deserve feelings that get acknowledged. My feelings are wrong, too extreme, I'm too broken, too stunted, too ill, too wrong, too wrong too wrong. I'm a freak. Unacceptable and overwrought, intense, weird and writing all this out is too self indulgent. I should be ashamed of myself and I am ashamed.

There, that got some poison out.

 

[mumstheword]

I used to cut but that was before the worst and most demoralizing.
I used to starve.
My babies saved me but tied me to a cold cold hebophile.
I used to slash but that was before too many babies born on the road and in the bush and nearly dying so ill every time, infections in my womb, one nearly died, he's retarded for life
Rape and drugging happened to me.
Nearly strangled
Gaslit for too many years
CSA
DV
My stepfather threatened to kill me with a hack saw when I was 11
I'm sorry and feel guilty for writing all this.
I feel terrible for spilling this out.
So much guilt and shame
I don't deserve to drag people down with this stuff
I'm sorry, so sorry, so sorry.

 

[somerandomguy]

You are safe. Remember, you're safe. It needs to come out for you to heal.

 

[ladee]

Like @somerandomguy said, getting the poison out. You are not upsetting any of us.. Very very proud of you ! Lots of tender hugs.

 

[Swift]

Even if I scroll past the posts because they're too triggering for me right now (and I feel totally weak saying that, because I should be able to get over it and help), I'm glad you're here.
Thank you for writing, even if I'm not in a place to read it. I'm so glad and grateful and honoured that you are.

 

[somerandomguy]

Quick thread hijack, but I know @mumstheword won't mind -

(and I feel totally weak saying that, because I should be able to get over it and help)

Oh, Swift, you're not weak! You are so, so strong by doing this work. Everyone knows it, everyone agrees. Keep doing what's best for you. That's why we're all here. You've said that to me many times! It's just as true for you.

 

[littleoc]

@mumstheword you're not dragging anyone down. You are letting these things go, and that's awesome. And strong.

Who should be ashamed, and scared they're dragging people down? How about your abusers?

And, I hope this doesn't seem too forward (is that the word I'm looking for?), but having a baby who is retarded? I'm impressed that he fought hard enough to survive, or try to. It wasn't your fault.

I've worked with retarded adults and children and I know you've noticed that the same want for purpose in life is in everyone. Everyone gets to make a life for themselves and make friends and even struggle. Being retarded doesn't slow down life :)

Be proud of yourself. You're doing fine

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

((( :hug: @mumstheword :hug: )))

TONS AND TONS of (((HUGS))) for your ability to be the SWEET, LOVING, and GIVING MUM and FRIEND!!! :hug::hug::hug:

Your ex did NOT succeed in killing your heart and he is NOT "winning" NOW or EVER! Your children are gravitating to you more and more ALL the time! You NEVER chose to hurt anyone and he will be the one who pays the heaviest price as he gets older!

The feelings that you are pouring out NEED to come out so that they can lose their power. We are speaking the TRUTH over you so that good and NEW feelings can emerge within your soul! OUT with the old and IN with the NEW!

You have survived SO MUCH GRIEF! I appreciate your sweet words of love and encouragement, but I know that YOU have suffered more grief than ANY one person should EVER have to! My heart is ACHING for the sad little girl that never got to be...:hug: