Relationship Boyfriend with ptsd said he needs space?

[Jay02]

Hi, everyone. So, I’ve done a lot of researching, but I figured I would get a better answer (reassurance, mainly) if I were to directly ask for advice.

I’ve been with my boyfriend for six months now and it’s been amazing. He used to be in the military (Marine Corps) and have been deployed twice. We have had a few bumps early in the relationship where he says he wants to be alone, and every time, I give him his space.

Just last night, he called to tell me he was going to distance himself from me and everyone else. School has taken so much of his energy that he’s so stressed... I thought I could help him by allowing him to vent to me, but he told me that it only irritated him further. He said he was “backed into a corner” and he needs to deal with it alone until the end of the semester (which is three weeks from now). He also said to think of it as a little deployment... That this is a small bump that we will get through.

I guess I’m just seeking for advice because I am deeply in love with him and I want to be there for him, but I’m also afraid that in those three weeks, he’s going to realize he won’t need me anymore. He told me that it was all right to text him (especially since he said it brings him back to reality), but 90% of the time, he won’t reply.

This is my first real relationship, and I told him that I was in it for the long haul and that whatever it takes, I was going to do it. He repeatedly said it was going to be okay, but I’m just worried.

Am I doing the right thing by abiding by his wish? Will my daily texts of reminders and messages of ‘I love you’ cause him more stress or alleviate it? I want to help him, but how can I when he said he needs to be put in a bubble so he could deal with it himself? He also told me I was becoming a distraction... How do I prevent that from happening next time?

Ugh. :-(

 

[Fadeaway]

Not abiding by his wishes, you will make him run away. These episodes of isolation is a part of PTSD. Be prepared for many more to come.

Don't text often and keep it short to, "thinking about you, hope you are doing well, I have been busy with stuff, message me when you feel like it."

You can't prevent it from happening next time. It is a symptom. Read around the supporter threads and you will find a dozen identical stories.

 

[blackemerald1]

@Jay02 it seems your boyfriend has clear ideas about what he needs right now. You cannot make him come back to you. He has to want to do this for himself and for you. If he doesn't reciprocate your feelings then maybe you need to re-assess your relationship.

You must know that your needs are important too. Get on with your life too and learn what you can. It is a long haul.

As @Fadeaway has said ^^^

Good luck.

 

[420kitty]

I'm in the same spot with my bf except I'm the one with ptsd. It is nothing personal at all. Think your of mind as a phone. Once in a while you use it so much that they need to be recharged for a good amount of time. That is what it is like. Stop letting your insecurities get the best of you. It's not that he will realize he doesn't need you. If anything, it will rekindle the passion after he is recharged.

 

[EveHarrington]

For me, the definition of relationship is distraction. I know many people find this to be true. Lol. It’s not really something you can avoid. Person in your life = less time for everything else.

 

[Jay02]

@Jay02 it seems your boyfriend has clear ideas about what he needs right now. Y...

I'm in the same spot with my bf except I'm the one with ptsd. It is nothing personal at all. Think you...

Not abiding by his wishes, you will make him run away. These episodes of isolation is a part of PTSD....

For me, the definition of relationship is distraction. I know many people find this to be true. L...

Thanks everyone for the replies. It calmed me down greatly and I’m definitely going to take all of your advice. You all made good points that I didn’t think about, and you’re all right. I’m going to wait until he’s ready, keep my messages short and brief but also remind him that I love him and that I’m not going anywhere. Thank you!

 

[OrangeJulius]

Consider yourself lucky that you got very clear instructions. Most of us have to guess that isolation has come and learn the rules through trial and error.

During this time period do some self-reflection. Is this something you can do regularly? Are your needs (as YOU are 50% of the relationship) met? PTSD is a forever kind of thing. And depending on if he's getting help/what stage of help he's in these periods may get longer and more frequent or shorter and less often. If you're thinking long term with him....house, kids, dog etc... another thing to consider is can you manage all those responsibilities on your own when he isolates in the future?

Like I said, consider yourself lucky you got specific guidelines from him. Good luck!

 

[Jay02]

Consider yourself lucky that you got very clear instructions. Most of us have to guess that isolat...

Thank you! It’s only been a few days, but it really has opened my eyes to the things I have been neglecting (ie. family). But you’re right, so thank you! Gonna use these three weeks to focus on myself, and occasionally check in to make sure he knows that I’m still here for him. I’ve been texting him like 3x a day (a good morning, a good night, and just a hey what’s up in between), but I think I’m going to minimize it.

Thank you all for the advice!

 

[Pippi427]

This was really hard for me at first. Like drove me CRATYZEE. It drives us crazy because we think of every single insecurity we have about ourselves in relationships. It also seems counteractive to abandon someone who is struggling. Listening and respecting their wishes is the only way though. ESPECIALLY if they have been self-aware enough to vocalize it. Maybe try texting once a day or a few times a week. You can even say you want to show how much you care by giving him processing space but you intend to check in every x days. I like to use personal accomplishments to check in because it takes the focus off them and lets me focus on taking care of myself, too. Like one time, I ran a half marathon and sent him my completion photo and time and he finally came out of isolation just to congratulate me. You CANNOT take it personally though if they don't respond. Once when my boyfriend isolated, he turned down paid work from someone I knew by simply not replying to the guy. This is someone he had talked to regularly before...just not this time. I knew then the isolation was absolutely not personally related to me.

 

[AliciaEff]

I’m a little concerned with you saying “I’m afraid he’ll realize he doesn’t need me” my perspective has been that you never want a romantic partner to truly need you. You want him to want you. If he’s just with you because he needs you, then he’s using you and if you’re just with him because he needs you then you’re codependent and that is dangerous for both of you.

Now, it sounds like you do love him and want to be with him, if he doesn’t need you, then that’s okay. That’s even good. It sounds like he loves you too and that’s the important part.

 

[master z]

What frustrates me with my sufferer is she is always saying she needs space and not ready to talk. Yet she will kick me in the mouth on social media and I can't ask her about it

 

[EveHarrington]

What frustrates me with my sufferer is she is always saying she needs space and not ready to talk. Yet...

That’s not cool!

Essentially she’s saying she can say whatever she wants to you but you can’t respond because she’s pulling the PTSD space card.

I advise you to set a boundary saying no more. If she continues to behave this way, you will withdraw yourself from the situation. Of course she’s already isolating, so it may take some boundary tweaking, like when she finally comes out of isolation, you still keep your distance for three days.

Her behavior is manipulative. I’m calling BS on her isolation.