Relationship Pushing boundaries

[Sweetpea76]

It sounds like either A.) He uses his PTSD as an excuse to behave however he wants, or B.) You excuse all his bad behavior because he has PTSD.

You do not have to tolerate this crap. He's acting like an asshole to your mother. Him having PTSD doesn't automatically make all his behavior "PTSD behavior". People with PTSD are regular people with all the personality flaws that go along with it. Dont start looking for "triggers" every time he acts like an ass. Sometimes it's just him being an ass.

 

[Friday]

but at the same time I feel like I should take into consideration that his behaviour might stem from trauma

To my way of thinking, that means LESS excuse needs to be made, not more.

If I think the mailman is a threat? It does me no good to have my partner encourage that bullshit.

If his mom treated him badly? That’s no excuse to treat YOUR mom badly. If his mom earned it? Fine. Let him be an asshole to her. Not to your mother, or anyone else’s mother, or to his kids mother. “Mother” doesn’t equal punching bag. Verbal or otherwise.

Yo! Ease up on the mailman!
Hey! That’s my mom! Some respect!

^^^
Cake frosting.

If you’re going to be an asshole to my mother, we are going to have problems.
Speak to my mother like that again and we’re through.

 

[EveHarrington]

He puts her down to her face. Basically telling her she doesn't know sh*t about anything. Whereas he...

Whoa, that’s not cool! It is time to set the hard boundaries. Tell him that this behavior is not tolerable in the least and he is to not insult your mother. He may be uncomfortable around your mom, but he can control what he says to her.

 

[Deleted member 44030]

Thanks everyone, for your replies.

Whoa, that’s not cool! It is time to set the hard boundaries. Tell him that this behavior is no...

I told him at the time to take it down a notch, he just said: "But it's true! I do know everything better than her!"

He belittles the way she's lived her life, the education she has taken, her choice of dog, taste in music, the way she cooks etc etc it never ends. He even told me it bothered him when she sighs because of her back pain. He expects everyone to "suck it up" because he had to when he was a kid.

Whenever I cry, he needs to know what exactly it is I'm crying about. If it's something he finds silly, he will simply refuse to comfort me.

Sometimes I don't know what normal behaviour is anymore:speechless:

 

[zombycat]

There are so many red flags in this I don't even know what to say. Whatever place he's in and whatever he is doing for himself aside, I suggest that you get yourself into therapy.

Whenever I cry, he needs to know what exactly it is I'm crying about. If it's something he finds silly, he will simply refuse to comfort me.

My ex-husband was just like that. My ex-husband was one of my abusers. Let that sink in for a minute. Could it be that he doesn't like your mother because she is your supporter?

 

[lostforgottensoul]

@jellyfish, why is it that you feel like you deserve that? Or don't deserve better then that? I'd leave. Plain and simple!

My dad maybe an asshole many of the times and he and I have issues but if someone disrespects him? Now you and I have a problem! I will fight anyone that speaks to my father in that mannor. Especially now that he's 76.

If my boyfriend did that? Oh, hell nah! Just saying! We'd be scrapping!

 

[Teasel]

Could it be that he doesn't like your mother because she is your supporter?

This!!

I'm sorry you're with this arsehole @jellyfish Do you want to stay with him?

 

[EveHarrington]

This is abuse.

He is abusive.

Abusers are known for tearing down others friends and family in an ultimate attempt to isolate them.

You deserve to have support in your life. You deserve to have family and friends in your life, regardless of what your partner thinks of them.

And withholding affection because he thinks you’re upset over something silly? This is diabolical! Sooooo cruel!

It doesn’t look like he’s going to change.

Can you deal with things as they are for the rest of your life? Because yes, this is what you’re facing.

Dare I even say he doesn’t love you? This is not love. If he loved you he’d want your pain to go away, he’d hold you when you needed comforting. This guys game is control, and he knows he can control you. But love? No.

 

[Deleted member 44030]

This is abuse.

He is abusive.

Abusers are known for tearing down others friends and family in...

I guess he does view her as a threat to his hold over me.

I think this is my fault. I've always been very dependent on him. I was very undecisive and I let him make all the desicions. That has made him into a dictator. Now that I'm reclaiming my voice, he takes it out on my closest supporter.

 

[Deleted member 44030]

This!!

I'm sorry you're with this arsehole @jellyfish Do you want to stay with h...

Yes, I do, or at least I did. I could handle alot of his behaviour, and he did make an effort sometimes. But my mom is not up for discussion. That is where I must draw the line.

 

[EveHarrington]

I guess he does view her as a threat to his hold over me.

I think this is my fault. I've always been...

Please don’t ever blame yourself for his behavior. This is not your fault!

 

[Deleted member 44030]

@jellyfish, why is it that you feel like you deserve that? Or don't deser...

I do want to defend her honour and stand up for myself, but when he starts critisizing I'm often overthrown and don't know what to say. I guess I'm having difficulty knowing where my boundaries are.