So became cold and disconnected after therapy

[BoyfriendqwithPTSD]

My SO went to therapy last week.
They were just talking about trauma, no EMDR. After this he became extremely cold and distant towards me and our ‘relationship’.

We discussed us (on his own accord) and was just adamant he didn’t want us anymore even the just the few days before therapy he was quite loving (?!) when we had the discussion he was genuinely stone cold. No emotion in his words or actions. Almost like talking to a robot.

Can any other PTSD sufferers or supporters recognize this? Also his therapist has told him not to be in any romantic relationships at the moment. Does that sound right?

And can I just add that when I was talking to him about our relationship he said I was being extremely irritating. It’s like he was finding everything about me irritating all of a sudden?!

 

[Justmehere]

Look at it this way: trauma makes love and closeness and vulnerability scary. It fills up the stress cup and then trying to be close to people causes the stress cup to overflow and symptoms to be stronger.

Going through trauma therapy is also a little like treatment for cancer. It’s exhausting. Draining. Hardest thing I’ve ever done. It’s like running a marathon while being chased by a bear. After doing chemo.

Getting through therapy and then trying to connect with another person romantically? Sometimes is simply way too much to do.

He’s been telling you for months being in a romantic relationship right now is too much. It’s like asking him to run a marathon after chemo. He can want to do it, and simply can not be able to do it. Being stone cold is a way he’s again showing he can’t be want you reasonably need and want right now.

You have asked about his therapist’s advice to avoid romantic relationships before, and what was said then is true still now. It’s good advice to him. It’s got to hurt like hell for you to hear, and it’s got to be so painful navigate his mixed messages later on when he reaches out again.

His push/pull behavior and his therapist’s are words are not really about you, but the illness. They are ways he’s making it clear he just can’t do it.

I know this is very hard and painful to face, but you’ve been trying to avoid this reality for some time and I think it’s keeping you stuck and miserable: he can’t be want you need and want in a romantic partner. The sooner you can work on beginning to accept this and move on from seeking him to be your romantic partner while he’s going though therapy, I think the happier you’ll be.

 

[BoyfriendqwithPTSD]

@Justmehere thanks for your reply.

I’m okay with him not being able to maintain a romantic relationship atm. It’s him who thinks that a relationship will fix all his wounds and he wants someone to take the pain away, ‘catch his attention’ and make him feel better. Therefor tries to make it work and tries to reconnect with me. Even called me his soul mate a week ago and said how it would hurt him so badly to lose me.

A few days before his session he was quite loving towards me. After his session he went for dinner with his friend and seemed fine! He even said he felt fine. But then 2 days after he was full on symptomatic and extremely irritated.

Then sat down with me and said he couldn’t do it and that everything I do just annoys him. He was just stone cold, and very different. I just couldn’t recognize him at all.

We aren’t in contact any longer since a few days. This has been the longest we’ve not been in touch. I’ve let him take his space and haven’t made contact once. I’m not sure if I should check up on him?

This is extremely painful right now but I rather ask the questions than just wonder

Thanks x

 

[blackemerald1]

@BoyfriendqwithPTSD I am sorry that this has happened to you. But as a sufferer I have to agree with @Justmehere^^^.

I’m not sure if I should check up on him?

No, give him time and space to concentrate. You cannot make him come back. He might well love you. Perhaps he cannot cope with a relationship with your right now. Telling you that you are irritating is not a good sign. Are you irritating him? Idk Either way he wants some space. Possibly he just doesn't know how to handle the responsibility of a healthy relationship right now and you're left wondering, mixed up and uncertain. That is definitely not healthy for you. You deserve better.

This is extremely painful right now but I rather ask the questions than just wonder

Yes the push/pull - mixed message's are emotionally painful. It's ok to ask the question for sure. Start looking after yourself and respect his wishes. Yes a therapist might suggest he not be romantically involved with another person right now.

 

[BoyfriendqwithPTSD]

@blackemerald1
Hi
Thanks for the informative reply. I’m going to give him space.

I don’t think I was being irritated. We had a bit of an argument because he was really unwell that day. Really symptomatic. And anything I said to him was like nails on a chalkboard. I didn’t know he was feeling like that because we are in a long distance relationship (45 min)

I was upset that day because of some very hard personal circumstances and I ‘needed’ his supportive which he couldn’t give me, I wasn’t too upset by this anyway but I think he felt like I stressed him out by just mentioning it. It’s just awful because 2 days before he was genuinely being great and then this happens.

It’s painful. His irritability and anger have been through the roof recently. He gets frustrated extremely easily. Again I’ve mentioned it before but I feel like therapy makes him so much worse.

I’m just going to have to give him space. Somewhere along the line I do hope we become what we were, maybe not fully but even an ounce of it. I am grieving the person I knew and the relationship I had. And it’s the worst feeling.

 

[Friday]

They were just talking about trauma, no EMDR.

There’s no “just” in about talking about trauma.

I know this could sound semantical-grammer-nazi-esque but there is literally no word choice you could use to indicate it was “only” this, not also that ....which would work, because one is not the lesser of the other. It’s like saying someone only had their arm broke, not their leg. Or was just raped analy, not orally. Or only had chemo, not radiation. The concept itself is wrong, not the word choice.

Differentiating can be useful... if you’re talking specifics between the two things. Radiation has different side effects from chemo, ditto rape, ditto broken bones, ditto different types of therapy. But that a person is going to be affected negatively by them? That stays the same. It’s not like you can expect them to be NOT BE IN PAIN if their leg was broken but not their arm.

Which is where the disconnect seems to be happening that I’m reading in your posts. Missing the forest for the trees.

He’s in trauma therapy right now. It doesn’t matter what they’re doing. He’s going to be more symptomatic (broken bone = in pain) in general, with spikes of even more symptoms both at expected intervals (like therapy days) AND fairly randomly.

Bare minimum? A few months.
Very possibly? A few years.

Again I’ve mentioned it before but I feel like therapy makes him so much worse.

Yep. It does that. Very much like chemo & radiation make a person infinitely sicker than they are with untreated cancer. Very much like reconstructive surgery and physical therapy puts a person through years of much more severe pain (with accompanying exhaustion, inability to function, etc.)

A lot of things in life get worse before they get better. When you know you’re dealing with one of those things, it’s expected / supposed to.

 

[BoyfriendqwithPTSD]

@Friday thanks for the input.

When I wrote ‘just’ I didn’t mean to undermine it or even say ‘well it was JUST a chat.. how can that affect him’

I wrote ‘just’ because in my previous posts I had written he’s doing EMDR.
I fully understand that there will be consequences on his mood. He went out with a friend straight after and told me he was feeling fine.

He does seem fine with others, he spent time with friends all weekend. I am another story, I got the cold behavior, anger and irritation. I felt like I was speaking to a robot or someone who genuinely hates me.. so was pretty confusing.

 

[Justmehere]

I was upset that day because of some very hard personal circumstances and I ‘needed’ his supportive which he couldn’t give me, I wasn’t too upset by this anyway but I think he felt like I stressed him out by just mentioning it. It’s just awful because 2 days before he was genuinely being great and then this happens.

It’s ok to be upset. It’s ok to want that support.

The problem is that you are seeking to obtain it from a PTSD sufferer who is very clear about his limits that he can’t provide it, and then expressing upset with him about it.

Telling him you want support when you know he can’t provide it is sort of like telling someone doing chemo you are upset they can’t run the marathon. Over and over. Or it would be like telling someone in a wheelchair, I’m so upset you can’t hop up and go for a jog, over and over.

As far as his friends, it’s very different than a romantic relationship. Intimacy and commitment is completely different in friendships. There can be greater emotional distance in friendships without as much difficulty for others. He probably also isn’t running into requests to provide emotional support for friends right now.

I’m just going to have to give him space.

Frankly, you’ll have to do more than that.

If the pattern of the past few months holds, he will reach out again, wanting to talk and have connection and support for himself. You’ll again want consistent connection and support from him. You’ll both run into the reality he’s completely unable to provide that. You’ll push in, he’ll pull away, you get frustrated and hurt and express it, and he’ll shut down more. And around and around you both will go until something changes.

Since you can’t change him, and he’s clear he can’t change in the way you want... if you want this cycle to end, you’ll have to walk away and hold the boundaries he isn’t holding.

There is a lot to grieve. Right now, I think you are still stuck in a bit of denial. (It happens to most of us from time to time.) You can’t become what you were. Even if his PTSD is healed today, you can’t go back to pre-PTSD. Not even an ounce. PTSD and treatment changes things.

It’s a very hard reality to face. I’m sorry you are both going through this. :hug:

 

[BoyfriendqwithPTSD]

@Justmehere thank you I really do appreciate the response!

You are right it’s an ongoing cycle although I think it has truly ended. I haven’t heard from him which is very rare. Our argument didn’t end well.

Where my confusion often happens is that he says he cannot he in a relationship.
So I will understand that 100%. BUT at the same time every so often he will speak about how ready he is to settle down and get married. He feels he is in the right age and ready for marriage. He thinks that if someone can make him feel all the excitement again, he will be cured. So I feel like he is confusing me. He will say NO! No relationship! And next day ‘I wish I could find someone and be truly happy’
He keeps saying he wants to be in a relationship where he ‘feels it’ and someone loves him back. So it’s pretty confusing

I know that the day things ended he was in pretty bad shape. I feel like this is it now, and frankly I’m scared it is. Things may never go back to what they were, but I’d still want him in my life. It’s very sad. Hugs!

 

[Friday]

So I feel like he is confusing me. He will say NO! No relationship! And next day ‘I wish I could find someone and be truly happy’

You’ve never wanted somehing you can’t have, right now?

Never wanted a better job, but don’t have the time to job hunt, or the experience, or need to stay local, or the paycheck you have right now?

Never wanted to go on a big trip, or vacation, but realistically it’s going to take a couple years of saving money to make it happen?

...

If you HAVE wanted something you can’t have right now, do you stay completely silent on the subject until you can make it happen... or do you plan, dream, vent to your friends about the thing you want?

 

[BoyfriendqwithPTSD]

@Friday of course I have. And of course I talk about it and dream it.

I’m just trying to explain that it does get confusing. One minute he doesn’t want any relationship and next he is PUSHING to have one and putting lots of pressure on it. Like saying he needs to get married ASAP. Him and I have a certain cultural background that puts a lot of emphasis on marriage and being married at a certain age. And this concept really does not help him and I, With us it’s ‘either marriage or nothing’ which I can imagine puts a lot of unnecessary tension and stress on someone who already has PTSD. But I’m simply trying to explain that it gets pretty confusing for me at times

 

[Suzetig]

He will say NO! No relationship! And next day ‘I wish I could find someone and be truly happy’

You’re not going to like this, but it sounds clear that he would like a relationship and marriage but not with you. It’s entirely possible that he feels cultural pressure to be married and really wants that for himself but that doesn’t mean that once he recovers he’ll be able to, or want to, have that with you.

What happens if you don’t contact him for a week or so? Does he initiate contact with you, want to keep in touch etc? When you say you’d still want him in your life - is that on any terms? What would need to happen for you to set a boundary around what’s an acceptable way for him to behave towards you?

I ask because it sounds like you’re not getting your needs met here and the more time you spend trying to get him to give you what he doesn’t have capacity for right now, the longer you go without the love and care and consideration you deserve.