Relationship Social media during space

[Hojay]

I agree @EveHarrington! And I wouldn’t put up with it if he weren’t capable of at least that. Then again, you never know what you will and won’t put up with until you’re in it.

 

[master z]

I think that there are a lot of sufferers who get into relationships when they shouldn’t be!...

Eve I 100 % agree with you about not being ready for a relationship. I apologize if I say anything that upsets sufferers.

Something myself and I am sure other supporters struggle with is waiting to get the full story. My suffer would say things to protect her that would end up hurting my feelings and causing arguments and misunderstandings. If she told me the full story off the bat these arguments and misunderstandings never happen. It takes a lot of courage for suffers to open up about their pain.

I don't know the exact definition but my sufferer is still in protect herself mode and telling half truths. I am not mad at her for not telling me what was going on when it happened or taking a year to tell me she was debating suicide before entering a treatment center. I understand those things take time and courage to talk about.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

waiting to get the full story.

The full story? Do you mean the trauma? If so, there are things supporters don't need to know. Telling just parts of my story is why everyone is gone and abandoned me. It would scare anyone away. The full story as in symptoms? Again, there are things supporters don't need to know. Symptoms can be very extreme.

 

[Sweetpea76]

The full story as in symptoms? Again, there are things supporters don't need to know.

I can agree with trauma history, but withholding information about symptoms that effect daily life is not fair to a supporter when it has an effect on their daily life too.

 

[master z]

The full story? Do you mean the trauma? If so, there are things supporters don't need to kn...

Trauma history is none of my business. If she wants to take her trauma to the grave or give a ted talk on it that is her choice.

I am not going to waist my breath and explain how knowing certain things would make life easier. Example If someone I cared about forgot to wish me a happy birthday I would be upset. If they forgot to wish me a happy birthday because the " stress cup is over flowed" I could understand that and take 0 offense. But if I don't know that your stress cup is full I am going to be upset because all I know is you didn't wish me a happy birthday and I reminded you.

It isn't expecting to much. I can't lower my expectations or change my expectations if I have no clue what is going on. Without communication or understanding symptoms and what is going on it is very hard to not take things personally or the wrong way.

 

[Muttly]

I think there are a couple different things happening in this thread. I think, some of the supporters, are talking about their feelings. Feelings are not necessarily the same as expectations. I think the supporters really should be allowed to share their feelings in the supporter forum without too many judgments being placed on their relationships. I mean, you ask a couple where both are "normal" and there is going to be all sorts of bad feelings at times. And folks do sometimes need to vent about that or ask for help in managing their feelings. There is also talk of expectations. While expectations can create feelings, it's important not to conflate the two. Saying I feel ignored, isn't the same as saying I expect all the attention to always be on me.

For the supporters saying they want more communication about symptoms, I totally get where you are coming from. And I agree that the person with PTSD should try when they know those symptoms will impact the other person. As a sufferer I will say that can be super challenging. I frequently don't know my stress cup is full until it's full. And it's not like I get all these nice clear warnings it's approaching full. Sometimes, bu other times it's like it's suddenly overflowing and I am looking around wondering why I didn't see it coming. And communicating about symptoms can sometimes increase symptoms for me, so I may resist doing so. Again, I totally get why from the supporter side, that communication is so valuable.

 

[Freida]

You're work. They have to put effort into your relationship. Everybody else is just a blip on the screen.

This. ^^^^
blips are easy. relationships are hard. blips don't talk back or ask questions or expect answers. blips make me laugh at stupid things. Blips are detailed enough to distract me but not complicated enough that I have to be a part of the interaction.
But most importantly -- Blips matter. It doesn't matter if I say the wrong thing or get bitchy or whatever. blips are just blips.

Relationships? They hurt. I don't know why I sometimes want blips over hubby. I just know it feels easier. I can breath
And then he has to back away and wait for me to come back. And it sucks for him. But I can't change it. Not until I'm ready to re-engage.
Then we can talk about what (if anything) went wrong. Sometimes it's nothing more than stress. The worst part is that I can't communicate about it until AFTER it happens. Then we can review to see what derailed me. Not during. And I feel awful about it later. Because I can't make him believe blips don't replace him. They replace the noise in my head.

 

[EveHarrington]

Trauma history is none of my business. If she wants to take her trauma to the grave or give a ted talk...

YAS!

Communication is the key!

This is what I strive for, but when I’m shut down in protection mode, communicating is like pulling teeth!

 

[lostforgottensoul]

withholding information about symptoms that effect daily life is not fair to a supporter when it has an effect on their daily life too.

Well, that's why I asked what was meant by "full story". I can tell you that I'm having a flashback but the full story (in my view) is what the flashback is about. Same with nightmares. And that's information supporters don't need to know. I can tell you that XYZ causes panic but if I tell you why, that's leading into what supporters don't need to know. In my opinion. I mean, I can tell you enough to inform you of what effects you as well but only surface stuff. If I get too deep then I'm getting into very graphic traumatic things. So, that's why I asked what was meant by "full story". But, I agree that you should be made aware of what effects you. That's only fair and totally not fair to not make you aware of it.

Example If someone I cared about forgot to wish me a happy birthday I would be upset. If they forgot to wish me a happy birthday because the " stress cup is over flowed" I could understand that and take 0 offense. But if I don't know that your stress cup is full I am going to be upset because all I know is you didn't wish me a happy birthday and I reminded you.

Ok, I get that and I totally agree that a sufferer should let you know their stress cup is full (even those very words). The full story, in my view, is why it's overfull. So, that's why I asked what you meant by that.

The worst part is that I can't communicate about it until AFTER it happens.

Yes! This!

 

[joeylittle]

Feelings are not necessarily the same as expectations

Excellent point.

It’s especially good to remember this when communicating. Being explicit about the difference can really help achieve understanding.

 

[master z]

When supporters discuss feelings suffers take them as expectations .

 

[joeylittle]

True, @master z. But it’s also possible for either side to remember to ask for clarity around feelings v expectations.

Most relationship counseling is built on learning communication tools.

And lots of individual therapies also are rooted in understanding the interplay between thoughts, feelings, and behaviors.

No-one is going to be a textbook-perfect communicator all the time, and certainly any kind of stress makes it much more difficult. That’s when at least one person being able to re-frame the conversation (into the differences between expectations and expression are just one example) can make the difference between a failed exchange and a productive one.

It actually takes effort to learn how to talk about feelings, thoughts, actions. Learning how to use the same basic definitions of those terms would go a long way for most couples....not just the ones with a mentally ill person.

For relating to those with mental disorders? It’s essential. Both parties benefit.