ED Disordered eating

[ms spock]

So I ate a yoghurt on the way out tonight. I used to binge eat before going somewhere, adn when I came back. So I ate one yoghurt, sometimes, lately, I have been occasionally eating a banana, so I am not binge eating like I used. But it is hard going places, and it is hard coming back. So tonight I went. I have resisted continuously comfort eating all day, I found myself opening the fridge dozens of times. So I guess this is part of the disordered eating journey. I am now able to choose not to comfort eat as much. So I am improving. This is hard.

 

[ms spock]

I did comfort eat last night. I had a terrible night of half sleep. I ate feta cheese - binge ate - had feta cheese - a mouthful - back to bed - wanted more - then back to the fridge - a mouthful - back to bed - tried to settle down - back to the fridge - a mouthful of fetta cheese - back to bed tried to settle, rinse and repeat. So I didn't take the whole cheese to bed and just eat it, I made myself get up and go to the fridge. So I am breaking up the behaviour.

 

[ninja]

Thanks @Living in the 70s I ended up taking a step back and considering that perhaps the doubt around whether my approach towards food right now is "right" is just part of the ED. The really (unbelievably) hard decision would be to turn away from it and decide not to believe the fear because that fear seems to lead back to not trusting my body. I am seeing the ED in a way I haven't before. I wouldn't have believed how convincing ED can be in that it seems to know what is right; I would not have believed how difficult it actually can be to turn away from it. There is so much attached to what it represents.

Cheering you on from the place of: sh*t yes, it is hard work to deal with this issue.
It is consistently astounding to me that what ends up being helpful is learning self-acceptance, self-compassion, kindness. .. rather than more pushing, internal put downs, shame, etc. That surprises me repeatedly.

 

[mumstheword]

@mumstheword that soumds amazing! Well done, you did your research!

Thank you @lovak and apologies for late reply. I'm not always good with receiving complements and positive feedback. It can feel very awkward for me and I sort of freeze up and hesitate in replying. Another habit I am working on remedying.
Yes, I've been struggling with my ED since I started to develop it at the onset of puberty.
Swinging from extreme to extreme and back again, many times.
I do think I've finally gotten a handle on it. Deprivation is out, self care, connection and self compassion is in.
I have made changes that I believe I can live with, permanently.
I will be happy to share more as I go. I'm still working on around 81 mgs for now. Not rushing things, gently and gradually does it.:-)

 

[ms spock]

It is consistently astounding to me that what ends up being helpful is learning self-acceptance, self-compassion, kindness. .. rather than more pushing, internal put downs, shame, etc. That surprises me repeatedly.

It is a surprise! I remember, then I forget. I remember then I forget!

 

[ms spock]

I am really struggling. I am really struggling with eating again.

 

[ms spock]

Last night I was so anxious that I comfort ate one piece of fish, one bowl of hot vegetable soup, and a chunk feta cheese. I could have substituted with hot cups of tea. I don't binge the quantities of food that I used to binge eat.

I feel so anxious I woke up and did some binge watching of TV, and snuggled my partner, so that was true, full on avoidance. Now I will try to be with the day. But I don't want to be with the day.

I feel so anxious I don't want to be here.

 

[mumstheword]

Pretty healthy choices, I reckon, compared to where you used to be.

It's going to be up and down at times but you are doing really well @Living in the 70s !

I reckon I'm having success as a direct result of you sharing your journey and struggles with us here.
I finally got down to 80kg yesterday! Well 80.7 to be exact but I'd been waiving around 81-82 for a few weeks, that down from 87 kg about six weeks ago.
I'm heading to the 70's! I feel like it's The Promised Land!
And you are the one who helped me, just about, more than anyone. Dispelling shame and self judgement has been a reeeeaaaalllly necessary part of being able to "flick the switch" toward a permanent and sustainable way of eating/coping that is leading me to smaller and smaller body size.
I am in hospital, at the moment, participating in a trauma & dissociation program. More "shedding" of the emotional and cognitive distortion kind that's going to help me be kind to myself and make lightening and freeing food and lifestyle choices.
So thank you @Living in the 70s !

 

[ms spock]

I reckon I'm having success as a direct result of you sharing your journey and struggles with us here.

That is so sweet of you to say! You have done the work though!

I finally got down to 80kg yesterday!

Congratulations!

And you are the one who helped me, just about, more than anyone. Dispelling shame and self judgement has been a reeeeaaaalllly necessary part of being able to "flick the switch" toward a permanent and sustainable way of eating/coping that is leading me to smaller and smaller body size.

I am so glad that what I wrote was meaningful for you. It helps when I am struggling to know that what I share is useful to another person.

Dispelling shame and self judgement is such a struggle for me. I seemed to have regressed or gone to a deeper level.

I am in hospital, at the moment, participating in a trauma & dissociation program. More "shedding" of the emotional and cognitive distortion kind that's going to help me be kind to myself and make lightening and freeing food and lifestyle choices.

That is great! That is really brave!

 

[mumstheword]

So, I hit the 70's today! :-) 79.8kg this morning!:laugh: I know it will waver up and down, most likely, for a while, but I did it!
So excited!

 

[ms spock]

That is amazing @mumstheword! I was so excited to get out of the 80s into the 70s as well! Well done! I remember that excitement!

Okay I found out Weight Watchers that the top BMI for my height is 70 kilos, so another WW woman told me it was 72, but anyway it doesn't matter, I am close to that now too. 73.3 on their scales which are always more than at home, but that is the way of it! I can get to the 70 kilos, and probably will go to 68 so I have a 2 kilo buffer. So I am getting there.

I am highly anxious, and having panic attacks. I can barely sleep, and I am not managing that well. I did go out and look at some wedding dresses yesterday, and we ate a meal at cafe, but I mostly distracted and binge watched TV yesterday. Last night I read a book to block out the anxiety for awhile. I am triggered by this bullying guy.

My skin has gone all dry so I need more good fats in my diet. I had salmon this morning, and I will have some avocado at some point today. I might make up and olive oil salad dressing at some point tomorrow.

 

[ms spock]

This is still challenging at times, but I am still improving overall. I am making progress.