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Childhood How long does it take to unlearn bad coping skills/bad behavior?

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frogthroat

MyPTSD Pro
This is really a question I suppose for people that grew up in extremely abusive households and didn't really learn any life skills from their parents. This includes how to handle anything in a healthy emotional way.

I grew up in a house where my little brother and I experienced incest by our mother, we lived in filth in an unfinished house, and my dad was a violent drunk. There was violent sexual and physical abuse outside of the home that my mom knew about and didn't stop.

How long did it take for you to stop carrying your parents around like a ball and chain? How long did it take for you to unlearn years of negative thinking that you were programmed to believe was true? How long did it take for new, more positive ways of coping to stick in your brain so that you could actually follow through with continuing to handle things appropriately.

For example, I don't handle stress well. If something happens that's out of the ordinary level of stress I throw a huge shit fit. I know the stress cup explanation explained this part well BUT I get suicidal, I can't control my emotions, and generally I make a giant ass out of myself. It embarrasses me and then I feel like a bad kid all over again. I know I learned to just be depressed as a kid. I also learned to just give up and be totally helpless. I want to unlearn this so bad and just boot it right out of my head. I've already done so much but I'm open to any suggestions and your own personal experiences on how handle to emotional regulation more efficiently without negative self talk.
 
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I'm sorry you went through that and are experiencing the confusion of trying to cut that ball and chain. I don't have any answers because I've been contemplating that very thing myself the past two days. I just wanted to let you know you aren't alone.
 
Most of the progress I have made in building positive coping mechanisms has been had without actually knowing its happening. For me, this is because I usually don't recognize the bad mechanisms while I am using them. Regular, deep introspection into my behavior and searching for reasons why I act a certain way has been beneficial. Be prepared to run into stuff you really, really do not like.
 
I think most of my episodes revolve around "stop doing that." I think someone was trying to hurt me or I thought they would. I was probably very young or the therapist seems to think that. Having a "shit fit, making an ass out of myself, and then being suicidal" was sort of how I dealt with life. Yesterday I was having a bad one and I did something unusual, I didn't share it with anyone. I was alone mostly but I usually would have called text or written. My wife is used to it mostly I guess. She listens. : ( I really don't think I'm like that nearly as much anymore. Used to be chronic. But I managed somehow to wait till it passed? I was in such bad shape I really just couldn't have said a single thing that anyone would want to hear and this actually occurred to me before instead of after. It was hard because I usually can't keep quiet when I feel like that. I was actually a little scared yesterday. The therapist was very interested in all this today.
 
It's hard, I understand. I'm an internalizer. As a kid I would bottle everything up until I couldn't and then I would find some where no one could find me and still try to hide there and deal with it. As I got older I also got suicidal ideation and had severe self-harm...it was no good at all. I'm still working through these things. It's hard, especially when this is something your mind has been doing for so much of it's existence but hopefully your therapist is a good one and wants to help you through it and won't give up on you!
 
If something happens that's out of the ordinary level of stress I throw a huge shit fit.

Having a "shit fit, making an ass out of myself, and then being suicidal" was sort of how I dealt with life.
These are the reactions that my family of origin wanted from me. I was their emotional release valve. I was my mother's scapegoat, she the narcissist.

So sometimes I fall back into the shit-fit behavior if I'm stressed out to the max as it is and my cup runneth over already. And boy has cup runneth over these days. :wideeyed:

I had one of those days yesterday even though I've come so far on my healing journey. It was about an issue with my internet provider and attempting get my third party email account to work. I'd been working on it with them for over a week and I finally lost my cool. And after that what do you know? As usual I found the answer to my problem. It makes me wonder if I should be working for them and getting paid. ;) It was something so simple.

The difference as a child compared to now is that before my shit fits lasted a long time and I never saw through to the other side of things versus yesterday when I lost it and yet then recovered quickly without becoming suicidal or feeling crazy or making an ass out of myself.
 
The difference as a child compared to now is that before my shit fits lasted a long time and I never saw through to the other side of things versus yesterday when I lost it and yet then recovered quickly without becoming suicidal or feeling crazy or making an ass out of myself.
I'm there too. Unless it's above my average intake of stress but I'm slowly accepting stressful events will come out of nowhere from time to time. It doesn't matter how much I try to avoid things.
Right now, I have a scheduled time for negative thoughts and I was doing pretty well with that up until last week when I started having nightmares again. I'm still doing much better than I was. I cook everyday. I can keep my house up.
I guess right now I don't feel anything and that's okay. My T said I learned how to think negatively so it takes training to learn not to think that way. I still don't know what my calling is yet and I would like to not be single but I have alot of self improvement I need to do before I start worring about that anyway.
 
Sadly it can take quite a long time. Just keep plugging away and you will see progress! Xxx.
I'm 63. The abuse started at 5, along with sexual abuse, drink the whiskey and sugar little girl, and here are some chocolate covered peanut clusters. It went on w that "grand father" for years. One year ago this month I realized that I was misdiagnosed forever, over 43 years, everything from depression then bi-polar along with all the meds, counseling, doctors, drinking, tmt centers too many to count...

So it's disheartening to hear it will take a long time. I feel like I've not improved this past year. I gave up the booze Apr 2017 and it will never be an issue again. AA is not necessarily for the traumatized person. And, it's my belief if a person can find out WHY they are numbing out by whatever they use, they will find sobriety.

What I am now is very angry, bitter, sad, and full of grief for the chance of what could have been a decent life lost. My heart is broken. Under the influence 3 yrs ago I made the decision to get married. It is pure hell. He is just like my dad. It seems to be to the point that seriously, he is loving messing me up. He's a gas lighter. He's always bellowing, complaining about my likes and dislikes, criticizing almost every single thing I do or say telling me I'm mean, I'm abusive, I'm rude, stupid, dumb as a rock...I'm stuck financially. I made a huge mistake.

I won't kill myself because I love my son. He's the only one I think I've ever loved in life. I would check out in a hot NY minute if I didn't have him in my life. I'm all over the map even writing this crap. Needless to say, I'm not handling things very well. I missed all the memos growing up, and my messed up life is proof.

All I was going to do was respond to a comment and here I am....I can't shut up.
 
All I was going to do was respond to a comment and here I am....I can't shut up.
That's totally okay. Everyone needs to vent somehow and I empathize with your situation. Although, I think you should be less hard on yourself I do the same thing.
I've never been married or have had children but to be completely honest the only reason I haven't killed myself yet is because I haven't sufficiently tried every option available to me and so I can't say that I've "tried everything."
Like you, I've attempted to fill my void with alcohol. I've recently been told I have bipolar besides PTSD and need to seek a psychiatrist. It's long hard road out of hell. I'm not really certain it ever gets better.
I'm not someone who likes to tell anyone how to feel and often my attempts to be uplifting or try to give advice are misconstrued. I don't really feel like I'm in any state of mind to tell someone it gets better because I don't know if it does. I feel for you though and I'm genuinely sorry for the amount of suffering you've endured.
 
That's totally okay. Everyone needs to vent somehow and I empathize with your situation. Although, I think you should be less hard on yourself I do the same thing.
I've never been married or have had children but to be completely honest the only reason I haven't killed myself yet is because I haven't sufficiently tried every option available to me and so I can't say that I've "tried everything."
Like you, I've attempted to fill my void with alcohol. I've recently been told I have bipolar besides PTSD and need to seek a psychiatrist. It's long hard road out of hell. I'm not really certain it ever gets better.
I'm not someone who likes to tell anyone how to feel and often my attempts to be uplifting or try to give advice are misconstrued. I don't really feel like I'm in any state of mind to tell someone it gets better because I don't know if it does. I feel for you though and I'm genuinely sorry for the amount of suffering you've endured.
Thank you. I feel your pain as well. For some reason I can hardly breathe when I'm on this site. I start rambling, then I delete so many of my pathetic life memories. I don't know why I would have so little self-esteem that I can't post an anonymous comment. I'm pissed!

I try to control my emotions, but it's real difficult. I am only figuring it all out this past year. This is so insane, indescribable - maybe reliving the shit in the family is what it's got to be and where it's at. I've actually asked all these professionals just this year alone, "am I supposed to feel like this??" I could never get an answer. They don't know. They haven't experienced it.

Since I found this site I'm realizing that I am functioning like everyone else HERE. Most not so great, or maybe that's because I'm drawn to the negative, worst case scenarios all over the place.

It's morning and I'm sobbing as usual. I don't know the best time to do this. It brings up a lot.
 
Since I found this site I'm realizing that I am functioning like everyone else HERE. Most not so great, or maybe that's because I'm drawn to the negative, worst case scenarios all over the place.
The only reason I ever joined this site was because I was in crisis, alone, and at the time unable to make the decision on whether to get therapy or not. I've found plenty of supportive people on here and other people who I feel are a little too big for their britches. I no longer feel any type of way about posting on here but I mostly post in my diary. I don't like to give advice because I'm not the PTSD sensai. I have a few people that regularly communicate with that I like that aren't judgy. Have you considered maybe starting a diary here? I've found having a place to vent and getting positive support and feedback very helpful.
I try to control my emotions, but it's real difficult. I am only figuring it all out this past year. This is so insane, indescribable - maybe reliving the shit in the family is what it's got to be and where it's at. I've actually asked all these professionals just this year alone, "am I supposed to feel like this??" I could never get an answer. They don't know. They haven't experienced it.
Regulating emotions is so hard especially when you've been abused from a very young age and it's happening during development. My T told me trying to always keep myself "up" during my childhood is a contributing factor in me not being able to get that great of handle on my emotions now. I'll get on meds and continue with therapy. I don't expect to always be sad anymore but damn does despair hit me like a ton of bricks when it hits.
That you're expressing yourself and how badly you hurt even just to a rando on the internet I think means that you still feel there's hope and there is. Do you have a trauma therapist? They would know how to work through this with you. I've been in therapy a year and I'm one client that's allowed to text and I have to get on meds before we can really continue so I've hit a stalemate. I cried alot about it. I still struggle on and off with alcohol but all of this is going to take time. I wanted a healing timeline I think but it's something I've learned I can't really gauge that way.
I know you feel negative right now but it won't always be that way. I'm sure there's things in life that do make you feel better sometimes. I like birds alot and I've been watching alot of bird videos. It's goofy but it's helping through this rough spot.
 
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