Sexual Assault I am struggling to cope with CSA

[SeekingAfrica]

8 years ago I was raped in a very unsafe situation(wasn't unsafe just because of the rape). It was a bad situation and the hardest part of it was being abroad and not being able to leave that situation for couple of months. That sort of was the beginning of my PTSD, although it really took a while to get diagnosed since I was in denial and spend a lot of time thinking that the anxiety, flashbacks, nightmares and being scared and touchy was some sort of proof I was going crazy.

Anyway, a lot of time, effort, books, therapy and life experiences later, I am somewhat better at dealing with the rape itself, although of course it will always be a hard think to think about. But I have less daily symptoms and more ways to cope when things get hard. But it also awoke something in me. I've been running from what I went through as a child all my life and I was getting pretty good at changing who I am every time I was close to thinking about it. But then I was raped(multiple times- as I said I couldn't really leave the situation for a while and I lived in the same building with the person).
And it all came crashing back at me again. I had so carefully constructed ways to not think about it. I had avoided the person from my childhood for 5-6 years at that point, even calls, although he's a relative. And I don't know how to deal with it. So far I've briefly discussed it in therapy, but most times I try I freeze and dissociate. I wrote what I felt sometimes for T to read, and that was something.

But for the most part this is unspeakable and hard and whenever I get one flashback about this, I get like a wave of few more. And I hate myself for what I remember and it gets me off-balance for days, and I don't know how to cope. It makes me sick and I feel like a horrible person and I don't know how to cope. I can't even...my grandfather molested me and sexually abused me when I was 6 until about 10 years old how do I deal with this, ever, how do I live with it? He's died 3 years ago and that was a relief(I'm sorry. I know it's wrong to feel that way). But sadly what he did to me didn't fade just because he's gone. I spend half my life terrified of guys even when I liked them, intimacy took a long time and several freakouts with my first relationships, and all that was before the rape. I'm all messed up in so many ways and I'm working on it, I'm trying, but this feels like it will break me. It feels like I don't want to be me when I remember.

 

[Freida]

I'm so sorry this happened to you...you didn't deserve any of this

You are not going crazy. You are just dealing with something that is horrific and should have never happened. I don't think you are a horrible person for not grieving his death. I would relief makes perfect sense. And it also explains why things are becoming complicated - it might be that you are in a place where your brain thinks you are ready. And yep -- that sucks. But you are stronger than you give yourself credit for. You can do this :hug:

 

[SeekingAfrica]

I'm so sorry this happened to you...you didn't deserve any of this

You are not going crazy. You are just dealing with something that is horrific and should have never happened. I don't think you are a horrible person for not grieving his death. I would relief makes perfect sense. And it also explains why things are becoming complicated - it might be that you are in a place where your brain thinks you are ready. And yep -- that sucks. But you are stronger than you give yourself credit for. You can do this :hug:

Maybe. I hope I can. It just honestly hurts to even breathe today.

 

[sprout]

It feels like I don't want to be me when I remember.

This is exactly what goes through my mind when I get a flashback. I don't want those things to have happened to me. I don't want that to have been my body. I'm sorry you're going through this.

 

[SeekingAfrica]

This is exactly what goes through my mind when I get a flashback. I don't want those things to have happened to me. I don't want that to have been my body. I'm sorry you're going through this.

Yup. I'm sorry you know how this feels too. Noone should be going through this.
I'm okay a lot of the time, but this week is all rough. I tried reading on having to take better self-care of myself right now and all that, but I am finding anything really hard to do this week. It's like for a moment my body has decided to forget this happened 2 decades ago and is now all in distress about it. I feel all broken. I'm trying to get through and cope. I'm not sure I'm doing a good job but I'm still trying.

 

[SeekingAfrica]

I'm so sorry this happened to you...you didn't deserve any of this

You are not going crazy. You are just dealing with something that is horrific and should have never happened. I don't think you are a horrible person for not grieving his death. I would relief makes perfect sense. And it also explains why things are becoming complicated - it might be that you are in a place where your brain thinks you are ready. And yep -- that sucks. But you are stronger than you give yourself credit for. You can do this :hug:

What happened as a child has been really intensely bugging me this week. I couldn't figure out why now. Usually when I'd dealt with it in the past, or had nightmare or flashback I would suppress it pretty fast. I talked few times in therapy as much as I was able without freezing.

Then today I realised that I didn't really start dealing with my rape (of course I was quite messed up while not-dealing with it) until I started my first long term relationship after and I was really happy and moved in with the guy. My T said that it's possible that I started feeling safe because of the guy and my brain decided it's finally okay to deal with it.

Last year when I was still going to therapy, I finally started to talk about my childhood in bits and pieces. But then my relationship broke up, and I moved out on my own for a first time in my life. It was good at first, but I was also in foreign country, his country, and soon there was a lot to deal with about documents and I had too little work. I had to stop therapy because I barely paid food some months. And so it was a long one year of adjustment. I even stayed with my parents for a bit while trying to get back on my feet. Last week I finally finished the last document allowing me to stay in that country and it meant that I can finally relax that I can stay in my own little home I arranged here. That meant, I, on my own, had built a home, in a country that was once foreign, in small apartment that felt like I always lived here, and even with my dark times and struggles, I somehow made it...
And then the nightmares and flashbacks hit...

I wonder if now that I finally thought I can make it on my own here, my brain finally decided to deal with this fully...It's so not the right time. I barely got done with documents. There is so much to build to have stability against unexpected life events. I struggled for so long, I deserve a break, I don't want to deal with this now. Why can't my brain get that?

 

[MyWillow]

I wonder if now that I finally thought I can make it on my own here, my brain finally decided to deal with this fully...It's so not the right time. I barely got done with documents. There is so much to build to have stability against unexpected life events. I struggled for so long, I deserve a break, I don't want to deal with this now. Why can't my brain get that?

Oh I can so relate to this. And I’m sorry you can to. I end up in a well paid job, working part time whilst recovering from a few injuries, secure house....and then WHAM. Sh!t starts tumbling down. Flashbacks with no solid memory. So much disturbing stuff coming up. Such crap timing.

The only way I can view this is to acknowledge that my body can’t take the stress anymore. Whatever it is keeps coming up in headaches, exhaustion and over responsiveness to injuries. My psydoc tells me that my body needs me to take charge: “it’s ok body, I’m listening body, I’m going to take care of you, it’s safe now.”

Take care and be kind to yourself x

 

[SeekingAfrica]

I keep trying to take good care of myself, and give myself a break if needed, and talk to as many close friends as often as I can. And regardless of what I do, the memories are still there and I feel horrible. All the time. This has been the hardest week I've had in the past 3 months, and that's really saying something. It's often so painful that I really feel like cutting to dull it down(like self-harm, not suicide-it just hurts to remember) and I haven't but it's a constant struggle...

 

[lovak]

My story is in some ways freakishly similar to yours. I'm so sorry.

When my current shitshow started I thought I wouldn't last a week without cutting. I'm in week 12 now, still managed to not do it. I hope you can make it too. I try to make myself remember that in the past it didnt solve ANYTHING and all the feelings I was trying to avoid came back anyways. I have nothing to gain by it, except more scars.

I think it always hits when it has the worst timing... because bad timing means bad situation which means stress. And BAM there we go again. OR you finally don't have to run anymore. Nothing to keep your mind busy. And BAM there we go again. For me it's either all well. or all bad.

I hope you're able to get some therapy again, I think it would be good for you to have it.

 

[SeekingAfrica]

I think it always hits when it has the worst timing... because bad timing means bad situation which means stress. And BAM there we go again. OR you finally don't have to run anymore. Nothing to keep your mind busy. And BAM there we go again. For me it's either all well. or all bad.

Yeah, that totally makes sense. I'm sorry you've been through anything similar, it's horrible. I've really been struggling with this. I will benefit from therapy, but my therapist moved away and now I'm waiting for the new person to arrive. I wanted to chat to the rainn hotline, because I did few times in the past and it was always helpful. But every time I open their chat there are like 15 people ahead of me. But I've been trying to talk more (not about this, but in general) to close friends about being depressed and all that. It helps sometimes.

So glad you are on week 12 without cutting. I've still refraining myself but it's been harder and harder. Do you do anything else to distract yourself? Other than remind yourself it doesn't help?

 

[lovak]

I force myself to stay near my husband, or yesterday i jumped under the shower and didnt leave till the urge passes. But usually.

Usually I'm already with the blade on my skin. Fully engaged to do it, realizing that actually its NOT want I want, is DOESNT help at all. And I put it away and distract myself in the easiest way I can think of then.