Dissociation? Depersonalization?

[loui50]

Is this Depersonalization? When I'm making love to my husband my body goes numb. Like physically numb. I can't feel anything in certain areas of my body. Well last night, we tried. I felt like I was sinking into the bed and just growing smaller and smaller. I just started crying. My husband is very understanding and stopped immediately. But what the hell is this!

 

[Reflections]

It sounds like you're dissociating. Going numb in an attempt to protect yourself and feeling small (can be feeling like a child again). This is a disconnect from your current situation (the adult you in a safe loving situation). Depersonalization is dissociation from the self so you could call it depersonalization. Unless this is pervasive you don't probably have a depersonalization disorder. I do recommend seeing a therapist since it sounds like part of your is hurting.

 

[Abstract]

Yes, it sounds like you dissociated. More specifically probably depersonalised firstly and derealised secondly. All they are is a fuse. Too much for brain? brain shuts down certain parts of experiencing. Just too much. Have you a strategy with your Husband? Skills?

 

[loui50]

Thank you both for your responses. I plan to talk to T about this in the next session. But it freaked me out when I started "Shrinking." My husband only knows that something made me cry. I couldn't tell him what happened. He knows about the numbness. but not the shrinking into myself. Honestly, I'm scared to bring it up to t as well. I guess I have to get over that! She will understand and not judge me right?
Either of you have any suggestions on making this crap stop? I just want a normal relationship with my husband!!

 

[Reflections]

It can be scary to tell someone about dissociation. It's hard for me to tell my T things too. You don't have to "get over it". You can be scared and still speak up.

Your T won't judge you and will understand especially if they help clients with PTSD.

I speak up about things I'm uncomfortable about, because dissociation at it's root is avoiding uncomfortable feelings by using dissociation to cope. Speaking up, can be a step in the right direction. "Making the crap stop" involves learning new coping skills and in my experience accepting what I've been avoiding and rejecting. Which is hard to do, so it can take time. It's a process. Empathy and compassion towards yourself helps a lot.

 

[loui50]

"Making the crap stop" involves learning new coping skills and in my experience accepting what I've been avoiding and rejecting.

I'm having a really hard time with the accepting part. I have no concrete memories of being molested but lots of vague memories, flashbacks and intense fear of sex. I really need to talk to t but I'm so scared. I'm sitting here with me email open thinking I could email her and not have to say it face to face. But I don't even know where to start. I'm hoping T will have some suggestions to make it stop!

Have you a strategy with your Husband? Skills?

Abstract, this is so new to me. I'm just learning what it is and I have no idea how to cope with it. I plan to talk to t about it tomorrow, But I don't even know how to bring it up. do you have any coping strategies. How do I make it stop.

 

[Wendell_R]

I've had very similar experiences as a man, including going numb and floating up & away. And my childhood neglect happened at such a young age that I have no recollections. That going-numb experience was one of the first clues that I had dissociation. My therapist was very accepting of me describing the experience. My road to making it stop has been a very intense exploration of the parts of me that felt afraid, and then learning how to make those parts feel safe. It's been a long road, but successful, and sex now is better than it has ever been. Nowadays, I imagine taking my other parts (who are afraid of sex) to a safe person & place, where they get to play while the adult part of me gets time with my spouse.

 

[loui50]

So I saw t today. She confirmed what I'm experiencing is dissociation. We didnt get to talk much about it as I had something else going on that I had to talk about. We are going to talk about it next week.

 

[Reflections]

I'm having a really hard time with the accepting part. I have no concrete memories of being molested but lots of vague memories, flashbacks and intense fear of sex. I really need to talk to t but I'm so scared. I'm sitting here with me email open thinking I could email her and not have to say it face to face. But I don't even know where to start. I'm hoping T will have some suggestions to make it stop!

You can take in a letter and have your T read it, if that helps. I've known people to do that. I first talked to my T about dissociation through email because I wanted to be sure she knew how to help me. When I really have a hard time talking I actually do sand tray, but not all therapists have these. It's okay to use indirect communication to get the ball rolling.

DBT skills and mindfulness practices are what I find helpful. Meditations about loving kindness I find helpful. Grounding techniques help me too. Like describe 5 things you see, 4 things you can touch, 3 things you hear, 2 things you smell, 1 thing you taste. Breathing exercises and progressive muscle relaxation help me too. I've been eating life savers during therapy sessions which has helped me stay present a bit better. Peppermint and orange are also very calming and grounding. I also have a grounding kit, with stuff that I can feel, smell, and taste and I keep in my purse. You can look online for examples of grounding kits. My therapist keeps all sorts of things around that I can touch too like stress toys, play-dough, smooth rocks, sand garden... I swear she has something new every time. I also just find things that help me personally like walks in nature, music, funny videos.

These are just some coping skills you can use and I'm sure your T can help you find some and practice them.

Take it one step at a time with accepting it and learning to cope. I went into therapy knowing I dissociate, but not knowing the extent of it. It took time to know what was even going on much less accept what that was. I still don't know everything that's going on, there are still things I'm not accepting because it's scary, but I've started to accept what I do know and I'm a lot more present now.

 

[loui50]

You can take in a letter and have your T read it, if that helps.

We have agreed I can email her anything I'm not comfortable saying out loud. This has helped tremendously.
I use the 5 senses grounding occasionally but I havent in a while. I think i need to start again. I use peppermint too!!
Dissociation is scary for me. I dont have many memories of what happened to me as a kid. I often wonder how bad I must have felt as a kid that I have to dissociate now. I don't know if I really want or need to know. But I feel like I might.

 

[Wendell_R]

Good luck! Dissociation can be very frightening, and I too have been afraid of what it meant about my early life. Maybe it's comforting to know that therapists know a lot more about treating it than they use to.

I like to do grounding each morning as I walk the dog. How many colors can I identify? Can I see something new today that I've never seen before?

 

[Abstract]

Dissociation Explained
What Is Dissociation?

Well done for speaking about it. It may not work for you but what about trying to seperate the dissociation and the stuff that happened as a child? And maybe the dissociation happening now and the cause for it happening. ? Something to consider. Really the dissociation is a clever way for the brain to help us with overwhelm. The issue is your overwhelm when you are intimate with your husband. Its not the dissociations fault if you know what I mean. Even people with anxiety or depression can dissociate without the PTSD. It can also be a useful means of detecting when something hits close to home for you. Like this stuff with your H.

If you cant remember the past sometimes it can help to focus on your feelings and thoughts that you are having now. And then deal with what comes up as it comes up. Thought you may like to read the articles. : )