Deb, my friend killed herself this morning.

[ms spock]

Cognitive Distortion:
I have the power to change a person's mind just because it is better for them to think the way that I do.

I do have this cognitive distortion.

I have the right to think that others should know that I am right and will do what I know is best for another person.

I do have competency, and I do have some good skills.

Each of you tried.
Each of you failed.

We all did fail.

This was nobody's responsibility besides your friends. And she had plans that were different than each of yours were. Regardless of your good intentions.

That, she did, indeed.

 

[ms spock]

So I guess one thing is to do stuff in my life, to see where she went, and honour whatever that was by actually not just letting myself get stuck in ruminations like she did. I can make the most of my life.

 

[ms spock]

I am still struggling with this a bit, but I am getting there.

 

[Freida]

I would guess you might struggle for a while, but the struggle gets lighter as time passes.
In the meantime please don't minimize how horrible this was. You lost a friend. A friend you tried to help. That is so very sad -- and it is a big deal. You get to be sad. You get to have time to mourn. You get to cry. You get to have emotions -- to be angry with her, to be angry with the universe, to be sad that she is gone, to want to stomp your feet and scream that it's not fair. And don't let anyone make you feel like you don't. Take your time, do your self care, give yourself a chance to heal. Allow yourself to feel. It's the only way you will heal. And you need to heal. Not just walk away from it. But -- heal. :hug:

 

[ms spock]

I see our mutal friend today, and I am a bit nervous about seeing her, don't know how it will go.

 

[ms spock]

This will be the first time we will see each other since Deb killed herself, and Y was overseas.

 

[ms spock]

So Deb came into the house, shortly before she successfully killed herself, with her clothes dripping wet, and said to her husband "I just tried to kill myself in the pool, but it didn't work, I couldn't stay under the water". What the f*ck? After everything I had said to him, and he didn't do anything? I am angry about this.

And her husband said to Y "Well she talked about killing herself but you never think that she would do it?" Seriously after his first wife killer herself, and he doesn't talk her talking about suicide seriously?

Anyway I am glad that I heard this via Y rather than from Eric directly, as I might have lost my mind, said something or just followed up inside.

So seeing Y was both good and tough. I was able to be honest with her, and that was good. I told her I just can't see those people right now. She understands. I said her husband had no capacity to deal Deb's situation, and I have to respect that, but I don't have to sit there and listen to it all.

Y said it must have been so hard for me when I was not listened to, I said I spoke to Eric on the phone several times, and also got B to ring him and say it all to him - ring the mental health team, go to see a psychiatrist, ring the Suicide Call Back Line, etc etc - because he is quite sexist, and might not be listening to me due to the fact that I am a woman.

She did remember that I was concerned that Deb would kill herself before she left. I said she had made the decision to kill herself before she left, and that Deb had really liked her, and really wanted to have her in her life, Y got a goodbye call. I didn't get a goodbye call, because Deb knew I would have gone around there.

 

[Freida]

I think the hardest part of suicide is looking back. What could I have done differently? What could I have done to stop it? Why didn't someone else stop them? Why did they do it? One of the most frustrating things working in 911 and dealing with suicidal people was that I would work my ass off to get them to the hospital -- then they would be released a couple hours later because there were no beds to keep them in. Same thing with suicidal vets -- no room for them so they give up.

I'm going to keep reminding you -- you did all you could for her. This is not your fault. It's really not anyone's fault. It was her decision that has impacted many more people that she ever realized it would.

 

[ms spock]

I think the hardest part of suicide is looking back. What could I have done differently? What could I have done to stop it? Why didn't someone else stop them? Why did they do it? One of the most frustrating things working in 911 and dealing with suicidal people was that I would work my ass off to get them to the hospital -- then they would be released a couple hours later because there were no beds to keep them in. Same thing with suicidal vets -- no room for them so they give up.

That must be so frustrating.

I'm going to keep reminding you -- you did all you could for her. This is not your fault. It's really not anyone's fault. It was her decision that has impacted many more people that she ever realized it would.

Yeah you are right.

I just have to keep writing this out, otherwise it rattles around in my head. And it is hard to come to terms with. I am have trouble accepting this.

 

[scout86]

After everything I had said to him, and he didn't do anything? I am angry about this.

I would be angry too! Some people are so stupid Ii have to wonder if it's deliberate. (The wife of a friend who killed himself, when she called said, "It's not as if he ever talked about it. All he ever said was we'd be better off without him." Made me wish i could jump through phone & slap her.)

I'm glad your visit with this friend went reasonably well!

 

[Freida]

I am have trouble accepting this.

I'm gonna say this with love but.....duh. :hug: Of course you are!! that's why writing it out, getting feedback from people, letting your worries see the light of the day is so important. You need the feedback releasing you from guilt and to have a chance to grieve for her so you can heal. It's going to take time --maybe more than you want it to. But that's ok. Just keep writing ---- and I'll keep reminding :) :hug: :hug:

 

[ms spock]

I would be angry too! Some people are so stupid Ii have to wonder if it's deliberate. (The wife of a friend who killed himself, when she called said, "It's not as if he ever talked about it. All he ever said was we'd be better off without him." Made me wish i could jump through phone & slap her.)

It is so bizarre! What is with that?

I never connected with her husband, so it is no great loss, but it is annoying to hear all this stuff which clearly shows that she was not only thinking about it, but doing test runs to kill herself. Surely something could be done? In this situation, of course not. He was an annoying asshole before she killed herself, and I didn't bother with talking with him.

I'm glad your visit with this friend went reasonably well!

It was great. It was upsetting to hear this extra stuff, but really it is never easy in these situations. But seeing her was great.

I'm gonna say this with love but.....duh. :hug: Of course you are!!

:)

that's why writing it out, getting feedback from people, letting your worries see the light of the day is so important.

]
It is helping, though it is still hard.

You need the feedback releasing you from guilt and to have a chance to grieve for her so you can heal. It's going to take time --maybe more than you want it to. But that's ok. Just keep writing ---- and I'll keep reminding :):hug::hug:

It is taking time. I guess I feel a bit guilty because whilst she was withdrawn from people I was angry because I knew what she was going to do, I felt powerless, and I thought about how to get out of the friendship network, because it was too much hard work, it was too hard being her friend when she wouldn't take responsibility for making her life better.

So I wanted out as well, though I was very fond of her as a friend, and I did try to help her, a lot. I actually spent too much time on helping her, when I needed to be doing things for my own life.