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Deb, my friend killed herself this morning.

Thread starter #110
Yeah she still isn't here. Or she isn't there or anywhere. I keep thinking of her. It's the show and she won't be there. I don't know how I am feeling. I am blaming myself. If I had only done better but that is not reality. I still look to see if it is her walking along the road way. Why didn't she leave him if she was that unhappy? I didn't get her trauma until too late. I didn't put the pieces together.
 
If I had only done better but that is not reality.
This.^^ I do the same thing regarding my mom; a lot of self-blame for things I could do nothing about becasue I didn't know A LOT about what was going on or what needed to be done.

We do what we know to do within our capacity to do it at the time. That is a hard truth for me to hold present in my mind, but it is the truth for me and I suspect for you as well.
 
Im sorry that the grief and loss are still there.

Please don't beat your self up.

Yes trauma, yes demons, yes shitty relationship

They were hers, and she was an adult

There is the question of knowledge, did she know what options were available to her?

But again, none of us has perfect knowledge, no one ever will have,

to have perfect knowledge is not something that is open to us as humans. Our knowledge will always be incomplete, and it will often be incorrect as well.

However much you miss her, please do not blame yourself and please don't add a layer of guilt to the grief.

@
 
Thread starter #116
This.^^ I do the same thing regarding my mom; a lot of self-blame for things I could do nothing about because I didn't know A LOT about what was going on or what needed to be done.
I knew. I really did know. I warned people. No one listened to me. I even had options and phone numbers to ring. I was ignored.

We do what we know to do within our capacity to do it at the time. That is a hard truth for me to hold present in my mind, but it is the truth for me and I suspect for you as well.
Yeah I need to accept this!
 
I knew. I really did know.
I hope you'll be careful with that thought. You suspected. Your wee pretty sure. Your has reason to be concerned. But, truly, you had no way to literally know. And, even if you had, coming to the rescue was beyond your capacity. You did all you could, and more than many people would have.
 
Thread starter #118
Oh @scout86 I was saying to people 3-4 months before she killed herself, that she was about to kill herself. She cut me out and waited until they were off guard again. Then she killed herself. I guess you are right I couldn't absolutely be sure that she would kill herself. She did tell me what was going on inside of her head. So it was no surprise that she did kill herself. I am not all knowing and omnipotent. She didn't want help. She did follow up quite a few things that I suggested but she didn't follow through with anything.

She didn't want to be mentally ill. She wanted a physical diagnosis, she was very angry when the first specialist that she saw her said to her this is anxiety and depression not a physical ailment. She absolutely refused to accept that. I gently tried to say it was - but I would have felt her wrath if I had insisted. She was stuck in her prejudice of mental illness and that was that. She wasn't will to look at things outside of that box of physical illness.
 
Thread starter #119
It was the first time I went to the Show without her being there. It was hard. It shouldn't play on my mind this much. I had had it with her towards the end. I was scared of getting ensnared by in her insanity. So I didn't say I would come at any time that she needed me. I just couldn't get involved in that level of drama. But I was so upset that she cut me out of her life.

She was so brilliant at doing what she did in terms of saving the Environment. Retiring early did her no favours - she just went around and around in her head.

I could do with her about now. She could help me with this big project that I am doing.
 
It shouldn't play on my mind this much.
My T corrects me when I use the words "should and shouldn't". He says they carry too much shame with them most of the time.

There is no "should" or "shouldn't" in this situation there just is what is. I'm sure you know that firsts and lasts carry a lot of significance for us humans.

I wish your friend had listened to you and I wish things had ended differently! I've lost a couple friends to suicide as well. It's hard to get attached to people, then hard to lose them. Harder yet to lose them in a way so apparently unnecessary. Take care of yourself!
 
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