Deb, my friend killed herself this morning.

ms spock

So Deb's and I's mutual friend didn't text me this morning, and I didn't text her, and then I realised that B has an appointment so I cancelled, but it was strange as she usually contacts me. So maybe it didn't go as well as I thought it did last week?

ms spock

Who knows @Freida, I don't, and I immediately personalised it, when I had no real reason to be paranoid, but I chose to feel and think that way immediately, due to my self corrosive doubting and insecurities.

Maybe she didn't like what I said?
Maybe she was grieving?
Maybe something happened and she got caught up?
Maybe she was backing off from the friendship?

I have no idea, and I am so paranoid I am not thinking about the situation clearly. I am glad to be outside of Deb's friendship network, it is not for me. It is just a shock and a change, as I don't really want to get involved with anyone else, as I am scared of getting involved with people who are crazy and dysfunctional.

ms spock

We drove up the road up along to our house, which we saw Deb walking along so many time, and I said to B, I still cannot get my mind around that she is dead.

It is really hard when someone you really care about kills themselves.
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ms spock

I'm so very sorry.... :hug:
Thank you! I am still struggling with this at times. I am trying to see the gift of life and reframe this loss as I can make the most of my life, and show up, to take the insight and really live life. It is still hard at times, but I am kind of being with it, in some ways. I really value everyone's life. I really value those people that reach out here on this forum.

ms spock

So I saw Deb's sister in the supermarket, and B and I talked to her for 35 minutes.

I was supportive, and reframed things to support her in her lack of capacity. So she talked about a few things and I did the kind thing and said don't think about that, just focus on day to day living, and reframed things for her as kindly as possible.

I was kind of shocked that she knew what Deb was doing - the preliminary suicide attempts - which she mocked and laughed about as pathetic - and she told Deb that she had to disclose her previous day suicide attempt to the psychiatrist - and according to her - that psychiatrist also through it was pretty pathetic - but I just took that as her projection. So about the time I rang Deb's husband to give her resources that are available in Australia - she tried to kill herself in the pool, and yet he didn't think she was at risk. I think that is called denial.

A mutual friend wanted me to go out with her and Deb's sister and I did say yes and then said how about we drop in for an hour on Sunday at 11am at the music gig and see how it goes. I don't want to spend a whole lot of time with her. Our mutual friend is scared that Deb's sister might also harm herself, and I said, even if that is the case, she is not someone who is going to open up and tell you about it. She has a low grade depression and glass half empty point of view, and all her children ended up with severe mental illness, she doesn't seek help, and she is very fixed in her ways. She is highly unlikely to change, and hey I am working my butt off to change, and it is hard. If you are not even prepared to work at it then no change will occur. I think she wants me to see Deb's sister because she perceives that I can save her. I cannot not. I also don't like this woman. Her racism and prejudice is not something that I want to spend a lot of time around. Also she is not alone she has L as a close friend, but even if she was alone it is not up to me.

I also saw Deb's husband as well, and he told me that living without Deb is really hard, and he feels lonely for her. So I was validating and reflected back to him what he was saying and said it was good that he is talking about things. He is going away on a cruise with another mutual friend of ours. He asked if we were coming back to trivia. I said we would come one time. We don't have to go for long.

I still look out for Deb. Our neighbour died and that was a shock as well. I need to change my attitude.


I am so sorry honey. Big hugs!

Please don't beat yourself up for not doing enough because you did what you could. You tired like hell! Sadly, even if you did do more the outcome may very well have been the same. Please be gentle with yourself right now.

Much love and hugs. I'm so very sorry you are going through this.

ms spock

It is not as bad as it was. I rejoined/joined the organisation we used to go to, and I am doing work there, it is a way of continuing a relationship with her in a positive manner.

I didn't realise what she meant to me as a friend as I am so protective of myself. I was a good friend to her in some ways. She was a good friend to me in some ways as well.

She was a pivotal person in the community and a lot has been lost with her going.

ms spock

So I have been angry with her on and off lately, wishing she was here, and how could she leave me when I need her at times? I wish so many things, but it is what it is. It's not long until it will be a year since she killed herself. I feel frustrated at her. I am so annoyed about it. Then sometimes I am a bit sad. I avoid that social network. I don't want to hear the rubbish that they go on with. Life is too short.

Mostly I am a bit cross, annoyed and occasionally a bit angry.

I feel guilty as well because it is a relief not to have to deal with those people anymore. I had also had enough of her as well - truth be known. I couldn't do it anymore. She had to get proper help from a psychiatric instituation - she did check herself in but she pretty quickly checked herself out.

When she made her initial attempts to kill herself, if they had called an ambulance, they would have committed her. They would have kept her in. But the immediate people didn't have the insight or ability to do that. That is such a shame.

My expectations of what I can do as person in situations like this is unrealistic and it is hard to come to terms that people don't work on themselves like I do. Also her untreated trauma really tripped her up in the end.

My brother lives on the borderline of this, and I cannot do anything for him. I can't even be in contact with him. It's best if I keep away. It also is what it is.

Her prejudice against mental illness got her in the end because she couldn't be honest about that. Because she couldn't own that - well she was stuck in it all with no way out. I didn't tell her about my PTSD or what I had gone through, because I couldn't trust that she wouldn't tell other people as she was so unwell. I don't want other people to know about me. I am not the person that I was and I am not interested in stigma. My past is my past, my history is my history and very few people need to know.

So it's tough and I still look out for her walking along the street, which is what it is I guess. I look to her driveway to see her - it's where I last saw her alive.

I know why she cut me out because I challenged her BS.

Such a talented person who had so much to contribute to the world, and the planet needs people like her now, more than ever. We could have done so much together, but we couldn't because she was quite mad in her thinking towards the end. And I wasn't strong enough to be an anchor for her. I wasn't able to do it. And there was no point when she couldn't be honest with herself either. But she asked too much from me, it wasn't fair. At least I pulled back a bit.

So my brother is likely to kill himself as well. And if it happens then I have to remember this time, the time where I did my best but it wasn't able to be fixed because it was an intergenerational disaster not of our own making. I was the lucky one in the end. I did actually get out alive (mostly - split into many different parts - I am coming together). My brother is so badly abused by my Mother and Father. I hope he finds someone who is kind to him, who he finds some peace with, or even understanding.
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