So I have been angry with her on and off lately, wishing she was here, and how could she leave me when I need her at times? I wish so many things, but it is what it is. It's not long until it will be a year since she killed herself. I feel frustrated at her. I am so annoyed about it. Then sometimes I am a bit sad. I avoid that social network. I don't want to hear the rubbish that they go on with. Life is too short.
Mostly I am a bit cross, annoyed and occasionally a bit angry.
I feel guilty as well because it is a relief not to have to deal with those people anymore. I had also had enough of her as well - truth be known. I couldn't do it anymore. She had to get proper help from a psychiatric instituation - she did check herself in but she pretty quickly checked herself out.
When she made her initial attempts to kill herself, if they had called an ambulance, they would have committed her. They would have kept her in. But the immediate people didn't have the insight or ability to do that. That is such a shame.
My expectations of what I can do as person in situations like this is unrealistic and it is hard to come to terms that people don't work on themselves like I do. Also her untreated trauma really tripped her up in the end.
My brother lives on the borderline of this, and I cannot do anything for him. I can't even be in contact with him. It's best if I keep away. It also is what it is.
Her prejudice against mental illness got her in the end because she couldn't be honest about that. Because she couldn't own that - well she was stuck in it all with no way out. I didn't tell her about my PTSD or what I had gone through, because I couldn't trust that she wouldn't tell other people as she was so unwell. I don't want other people to know about me. I am not the person that I was and I am not interested in stigma. My past is my past, my history is my history and very few people need to know.
So it's tough and I still look out for her walking along the street, which is what it is I guess. I look to her driveway to see her - it's where I last saw her alive.
I know why she cut me out because I challenged her BS.
Such a talented person who had so much to contribute to the world, and the planet needs people like her now, more than ever. We could have done so much together, but we couldn't because she was quite mad in her thinking towards the end. And I wasn't strong enough to be an anchor for her. I wasn't able to do it. And there was no point when she couldn't be honest with herself either. But she asked too much from me, it wasn't fair. At least I pulled back a bit.
So my brother is likely to kill himself as well. And if it happens then I have to remember this time, the time where I did my best but it wasn't able to be fixed because it was an intergenerational disaster not of our own making. I was the lucky one in the end. I did actually get out alive (mostly - split into many different parts - I am coming together). My brother is so badly abused by my Mother and Father. I hope he finds someone who is kind to him, who he finds some peace with, or even understanding.
