Relationship SHE MESSAGED ME! Need advice ASAP

[concernedboyfriend]

After a long shut out she said:
"Hey, just want you to know I haven't forgotten about you and I'm having a weird time with things. I know this has been frustrating for you and I'm sorry. I really don't know what to do"
I'm a massive f**k up so I don't want to say anything without input from you guys. She wasn't much of an isolator until she was re-traumatized a couple years ago so for her this is her first time to shut someone out and she doesn't understand what's happening.
Should I explain that she needs time to self regulate stress or would that be a bad move? I'm definitely going to tell that I care and will be there for her no matter how much time she needs. Would it be a bad idea to tell her I've been working on myself to be better for her or would that make her feel guilty?
More specific info can be found in my previous thread. I can't believe she still cares after the wrong moves I've made.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Would it be a bad idea to tell her I've been working on myself to be better for her or would that make her feel guilty?

Do you want to continue down this path with her?

Can your mental health withstand this? Because it seems like it has you twisted up inside. Nobody else is worth sacrificing your own sanity.

If you want to reestablish communication, tread lightly. She's just dipping her toe in and is probably not ready for deep conversation. Honestly, this message isn't about you. I wouldn't try and insert yourself, your feelings and what you need into it. There is definitely a need to discuss all that, but now is probably not the time. I'd acknowledge that you know she isn't doing well right now and you're willing to give her some space. I wouldn't add anymore if you're going to get heated or emotional in any way.

 

[concernedboyfriend]

Do you want to continue down this path with her?

Can your mental health withstand this? Because it seems like it has you twisted up inside.

Knowing she isn't angry with me, and that she hasn't given up, makes me feel 100% better. I'm absolutely willing. I am going to sleep so soundly tonight. It's been a net gain for my mental health since its encouraged me to get therapy for my own sexual abuse. The mood stabilizers and anxiety pills are doing wonders for me.

I have an urge to tell her to cut back on drinking but that probably a bad idea.

I was thinking I'd say something along the lines of "this is common, you just need time. Cut back on anything that stresses you. I wont abandon you even if you need many months. I deeply care about you and I'll still be here"

As a significant other or a friend, as long as she's okay I'm happy. I'm so picky about girls and have an isolated lifestyle so it's not like I'd meet anyone anyway. I'm used to being solitary. That's not what was tearing me up, it was the uncertainty of what she's been thinking, if she hated me. That's now cleared up so I'm stupidly optimistic right now.

 

[Chris-duck]

You're right that it's a bit soon to advise her on not drinking.

My main concern though is that this is likely to happen again. What's changed since to make you sure you'll cope next time she isolates? Even if it's months or years or whatever away.

 

[Sweetpea76]

I have an urge to tell her to cut back on drinking but that probably a bad idea.

this is common, you just need time. Cut back on anything that stresses you.

I wouldn't go there... you really don't know what she does or does not need, and it's not your place to manage her. She has to be in charge of her own mental health.

I wont abandon you even if you need many months. I deeply care about you and I'll still be here"

And I wouldn't promise to never leave or use the word abandon. This isn't about being ride or die. Ride or die is not healthy. It's toxic and codependent.

A simple "I care about you, and am willing to give you the space you need" is more than enough.

Don't try to make this into a deep relationship conversation. Boundaries are important. This all started because she needed space and less pressure, right?

 

[concernedboyfriend]

What's changed since to make you sure you'll cope next time she isolates? Even if it's months or years or whatever away.

Well, now I understand what's going on. This site has been a huge help. I'll be able to cope as long as I know that it's not my fault, and that I don't have to blame myself like I've been doing up until today. Plus as I've said I'm in weekly therapy and on meds. Next time she needs to isolate I wont be making the dumbf**k mistake of assuming its cheating or me being unlovable. I'll know what space entails, the do's and don'ts

 

[Justmehere]

Knowing she isn't angry with me, and that she hasn't given up,

Slow it way down. I don’t read any of this in what she wrote. If anything, she could be quite unsure she is stable enough for a relationship. Frankly, if problematic drinking is in the picture, you don’t even know if this Is a case of her drunk texting an ex or not.

as long as she's okay I'm happy.

The fact that you got one text from her and you are already considering trying to change her (suggesting she stop drinking and take other steps towards change) is a big sign that codependency and trying to fix her is already creeping back into the picture. Very quickly.

The best thing you can do is to slow it down, take the pressure off, and work on maintaining your mental health regardless if she is drinking or ghosting or miserable.

If you want to text her back, perhaps confirm you’ll continue to respect her need for space and you can also let her know you are working on you. But avoid deep relationship communications via text.

 

[concernedboyfriend]

A simple "I care about you, and am willing to give you the space you need" is more than enough.

Don't try to make this into a deep relationship conversation. Boundaries are important. This all started because she needed space and less pressure, right?

Fair enough, I'll go with that. As for codependency I know I'm not really like that. I don't NEED her I just CARE about her.
I know from what shes told me in the past that she has no idea if time makes it better or not. It seems like shes asking for reassurance on that, no? I dunno

 

[Justmehere]

"Hey, just want you to know I haven't forgotten about you and I'm having a weird time with things. I know this has been frustrating for you and I'm sorry. I really don't know what to do"

I know from what shes told me in the past that she has no idea if time makes it better or not. It seems like shes asking for reassurance on that, no?

Take the message for what actually it states. Try to avoid reading into it or what it seems to ask.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Just tread lightly.

makes me feel 100% better.

It's been a net gain for my mental health

That's now cleared up so I'm stupidly optimistic right now.

I don't have to blame myself like I've been doing up until today.

You're giving her so much control over your happiness. What happens if she doesn't speak to you again after today?

 

[concernedboyfriend]

I feel like my statements are being taken way too literally and exaggerated. I am not basing all my happiness on this relationship. I am interested in supporting in any way I can, not "fixing". Please take my word for it. I really don't mean to come across that way.

 

[Friday]

I wouldn't go there... you really don't know what she does or does not need, and it's not your place to manage her. She has to be in charge of her own mental health.

This. 1,000 times this.

She wasn't much of an isolator until she was re-traumatized a couple years ago so for her this is her first time to shut someone out and she doesn't understand what's happening.
Should I explain that she needs time to self regulate stress or would that be a bad move?

I have an urge to tell her to cut back on drinking but that probably a bad idea.

this is common, you just need time. Cut back on anything that stresses you.

Whoa! Down boy!

Well, now I understand what's going on.

Now you understand generic PTSD

You don’t understand her PTSD, much less know what she “needs” (to do, or in her life). Just because you’ve been talking to a bunch of other people with PTSD, and aren’t blaming yourself for someone else’s actions anymore, doesn’t mean that you know her any better. Or her life, that you haven’t even been in recently, her reasons for doing things, etc. Certainly not well enough to start bossing her about what she needs to do, how, & why.

Consider the following exchange

Her - Hi.
Him - YOU NEED TO ACCEPT JESUS INTO YOUR HEART!!! :woot:
Her - (Blink. Blink.) Cheque Please.

What you’re proposing? Is very little different. If more personal. She said hi. You’ve taken that as leave to tell her to stop drinking, and explain isolation, and tell her all about her own life and what she needs, and ABCDEFGHIJK.... :eek:

Slow down.

Boundaries. As in not barrelling through them.