ED Disordered eating

[NatBird]

I am just starting to acknowledge that I experience dis ordered eating. I don't want to be here, acknowledging, writing about it but I am finally seeing how it is part of the trauma matrix.

The eating relates to a part of me that fears to be visible and eats to numb from the anxiety and to disfigure so that I feel shame about my appearance and hide. The disfiguring is created by eating nuts, 85% dark chocolate and other things my system does not like. I don't eat junk, fast food etc. It tricky because the things that I need to stay away from are things that most people consider healthy. This means if I am not around people who know about my food issues then I can always find people to collude or help me make excuses. The eating issue is a way that I overspend. I am always buying food and herbs. It costs a lot. I am doing this while the underlying issues are there. It's not that I am not working on them. It's that there has been so much to get through, so many layers, this seems to be the bottom of the barrel in terms of acting out behaviors. All I have in my life to comfort me is food. When want connection or intimacy I go to food. Yes I can comfort myself without food. I done that for many years. This part of the process is about re establishing connection with others, meaningful connection, it's hard.

I have just come off a nut binge. It all started when a friend offered me dark chocolate and I ate it. That was last week Fri. It sounds simple but there is a little more to it. This is a new friend and someone who was very expressive about how much they like, value and are inspired by me. I realise now this activated a younger aspect of me that does not know how to trust and take in emotional nourishment. All she knows is that emotional nourishment has been used to seduce and exploit her. I sense it was that part of me that felt terrified by the emotional nourishment coming in and what might follow. Enter a binge to get numbed out, dissociated and stuff the feelings of anxiety etc. The binge ended on Mon. I am proud to say that despite being offered what looked like delicious gluten free and vegan cake (which is what my diet is mostly. I am trying fish for a bit for omega three) I declined and sipped happily on my mint tea.

It's only over the last few days that I have made this connection between the emotional anorexia of this younger aspect and my eating patterns. I will explore this more.

Today I ate at around 1.30pm after attending Tai Chi, having a work out and steam/suana. I had a fillet of trout, steamed beetroot, parsnip, celery, chard, black rice noodles and half a small tub of olives. The noodles aren't really allowed as I don't get on great with grains but it isn't a binge food.

In between I've been drinking black walnut and licorice tea and sipping water. I need to drink more water.

This eve I had a salad, ate three clementines and I'm about to eat some carrot soup although I am concerned it is late and I don't like to eat late.

I am not hungry but I will eat.

@Living in the 70s thanks for starting the thread. It is inspiring to see how gentle, realistic and grounded you are being with yourself.

 

[NatBird]

@VioletButterfly

I can relate to your earlier post having been (still am) in depth of hopelessness, meaninglessness, nothing ever changes for the last month. Even when it is not so intense it's never too far below the surface.
I tend to get flooded/ immersed in these types of feelings (and other you described in your post) when in a flashback. I have found Pete Walker's tools Managing Flashbacks and Critic Attacks really helpful. They don't change the feelings but let me know that I am likely re experiencing. This often helps me to relate to and approach the feelings differently if only for a moment!
I just thought to mention in in case it might be of use/relevant to you.

I hope that you have been able to find some spots of ease in your days.

 

[ms spock]

Not doing so well at the moment. I have gone back to comfort eating - worse than I was. It was a conscious choice to manage the emotions, not the best, not the worst either.

 

[VioletButterfly]

@Living in the 70s - Thank you for your responses and support. I waited too long to pick up the David Burns book and it was sent back to the central library. It's been a rough time for me since I last posted, so I'm sorry for not checking in. I do have a book on hand that I checked out a while ago titled: Your Life After Trauma, by Michele Rosenthal. I am going to work through along with reading other supportive materials. I've started reading it and it seems to be a positive, proactive type of book with a great deal of references to other works and support.

With regard to your posts, please take heart in all that you've accomplished and all that you practice/enact to keep you in a healthier place place/space day-by-day. You've come back despite challenge after challenge and you keep at it. This is significant in terms of ED recovery. We have to take the long view, from what I've read/studied. Trying to hear my own voice here. Thank you for sharing. Sending comfort and swaying pom poms your way.

@NatBird - Thank you for your encouragement and reference to Pete's work, and for sharing with us. I'm sorry that you, too, are dealing with this as our brains cannot work right without nutrition - having trauma on board only worsens this for us. We are so strong to keep at this every day or so, and I'm not sure we always acknowledge this. I try to work at this every day, but am kind of down a well at this point. I think a job might help me lift myself back up. Feeling a failure on that front seems to reinforce the other fronts of addiction/ED to cope with all that has/is happening. Self recrimination looms large. I keep thinking if I could fill up my time and feel useful, etc... that I'd move forward and then be able to build a life. I'm very thankful for healthy days, and even for healthy thoughts and solution-based thinking right now, and forever for the intervention of God and my faith. I'm still spun up in the maze, however. Praying on this and doing what I know to do.

Sending support, comfort, and encouragement to all of us on this difficult journey. One day at a time, one decision at a time is the way I think this might shake out. We can turn around a day at any point. That was a huge hurtle for me to jump over; I used to just slide down that slope once I'd found that tipping point. We can decide that a decision is unhealthy and then go another direction at any time - no judgment allowed. That is life. We always have a choice. Yes, I'm speaking to myself as much as anyone else reading this.

 

[NatBird]

Not doing so well at the moment. I have gone back to comfort eating - worse than I was. It was a conscious choice to manage the emotions, not the best, not the worst either.

witnessing and sending support. I am wondering if there are other activities that also help you to manage emotions? I know for me sometimes I eat on my anger and this is lessened when I go to the gym workout on the punch bag or do something to express the feeling. Just a thought. Walking with you.

 

[VioletButterfly]

Having a morning/day where I'm having to keep doing the "next right thing" in order to get moving and out of a dreaded funk. Last evening was very challenging and I didn't sleep well, so I'm trying to be grateful for all that I've been able to do in terms of self-care and fighting ED's negative voices in my mind.

I've managed to eat breakfast and lunch, and take my supplements. I've also picked up the trauma book I checked out from the library. It's slow going as it is loaded with words and thoughts that I can very much relate to. I seem to need to read it over and again in order to process it all. I'm still in the introduction, lol, but at least I've started it and am curious to move along. That's progress.

I'm working on awareness as to why I still use these behaviors and figuring out the payoff, when part of my mind clearly knows it is unhealthy and unhelpful in the bigger picture. The mental rift is challenging so it's hard work to stay present and to keep my mental feet to the fire in this regard. It seems part of me wants to heal and the other doesn't believe it's possible so is sticking her head in the sand and wringing her hands.

It was a conscious choice to manage the emotions, not the best, not the worst either.

Sending support for you in this regard. I know how painful it can be. VB

 

[NatBird]

@VioletButterfly can relate so much to those different/maybe conflicting aspects. sending support.

 

[ms spock]

Walking with you.

Thank you!

Sending support for you in this regard. I know how painful it can be. VB

I wish you didn't! Thank you!

 

[ms spock]

I am really struggling with not choosing to comfort eat at the moment.

I am continuing to choose to eat to sooth and comfort myself.

I can see how easy it was for me to put all that weight on, and it wouldn't be hard to put it all back on. I am noting how much a portion size but eating so much more. This is where I am at at this time. I need to move a bit forward with it but this is the best I can do right now. It is my Birthday tomorrow, that is stressful with my sister. I am also trying writing covering letters and resumes, so all my self doubt and self hatred, and not being good enough is coming up. It is really hard to not be dissociated, derealised, or in maladaptive day dreaming or eating or binge watching TV.

 

[VioletButterfly]

@Living in the 70s - Belated Happy Birthday greetings! I hope your sister didn't mar your celebration. Also, sending comfort and support for all else that you are struggling to accomplish and overcome. I understand the struggle all too well and I'm sorry if you are feeling anything like what I am dealing with. Sending light.

Today, I've taken a step against "avoidance." I submitted work orders for my apartment. This takes a lot given all the trouble I've had with this complex so far and the many, many times they've been into my unit, so VB pats herself on the back.

Yesterday was horrible. Who sits at one of their favorites places and thinks about SI at 10:00 in the morning?! The day was spent trying to distract, calm, and comfort the part of me that wanted to throw in the towel. Never/forever/impossible lies sat on me like a Land Rover! It was a struggle to breathe and stay present.

Comfort eating and then skipping meals is rampant in an attempt to escape and then control reality. I'm watching my weight skyrocket. Do disheartening to go from 120 lbs to 160! OMG, ugh. This is so unhealthy and I know it, but feel powerless to help myself. It all seems hopeless. Inner critic tells me to "snap out of it" and "get with it" while also telling me I'm worthless. Soul sucking.

It really defeats my efforts to apply for jobs. My mind tells me that not only are my skills lagging from taking off time to take care of my mom, but I'm so overweight and bloated that no one will hire me. I know how horrible that sounds and would never treat someone that way in an interview, but well, my inner critic is merciless.

So, this is where I'm at today. I'm working on the "avoidance" issue, have set up a mini-routine to follow each day to at least show myself that I can stick to some sort of structure, am sharing instead of isolating, and am working with recovery tools to keep myself safe and to maybe do a bit of healing work. Just feeling overwhelmed.

 

[VioletButterfly]

@NatBird - Thank you so much for your kindness and support! I'm sorry you are also struggling, and am sending light and support back your way!

 

[NatBird]

@NatBird - Thank you so much for your kindness and support! I'm sorry you are also struggling, and am sending light and support back your way!

Thanks. I'm actually doing pretty well with the food, I think!