Trying to Understand

[Grace1]

I have become very good friends with a man that I has PTSD he’s a vet and dealt with losing his dad and grandfather about 11 years ago. This is where I am having an issue, he works everyday for the govt. Perfectly fine at work, very disciplined loving man that have grown to want a deeper relationships. He did tell early in he had PTSD.
He will call me from work and we can talk on the phone, have coffee breaks together, walk to train and everything changes once he is home. He will no call me, if I call him he will not answer. He will email me every morning and every night. If I ask him let’s go out he won’t, asked about going to a movie he won’t he said he feels like his hands would be all over me at the movie. The long and short of it is I really care about him and I could never walk away from him. I want him to be better and I want to help him. He tells me he just shuts down all the time. I feel like if he can get out faithfully everday to go to work, why can’t he have the same motive to take me out sometimes or just come to place. The other day I said hey I’m going to bus to your stop and he said no laughing and I thought he was kidding - I asked would that make him uncomfortable and he said yes. I don’t understand it he’s says that he loves me and he will do anything for me but I deserve better. Some
Please make it make since, I love him and want to help him get passed the shutting down.

 

[HopefulD]

Unfortunately this is the bs of PTSD. Screws with your head and your heart. You will get the typical answer on here " decide if you want this type of relationship". Truth is they need help and coping mechanisms and most don't or won't. That leaves us supporters screwed. It will make you think more than twice and doubt yourself. Even giving you 2ndry PTSD. Lovely. Tread carefully. If you decide to stay in the relationship expect this forever if they don't actively go to one on one therapy or attend group therapy. It's a difficult relationship. I wish I had better news but no. If you search on this site you will find many of us supporters in the same boat. :(

 

[EveHarrington]

IMHO Every other relationship in the world (yes, every) is easier than the partnership relationship. We can be perfectly fine with everyone else, but not so great when it comes to a partner. It’s because of the intimacy and vulnerability factors.

Coming to a sufferers house uninvited is a huge no-no. This is our safe space away from the rest of the world.

If he is a shut down kind of ptsd sufferer, this coping mechanism may never change. I know that I will personally need space until the day I die.

The best thing you can do is accept a sufferer for who they are. Is he in treatment or taking meds?

 

[OrangeJulius]

I would start with the PTSD cup explanation to better understand.

Disclaimer: Everything I say here is a guess or assumption. I am not saying I know what's going on. The only person that does is him.

I'm guessing going to work fills his cup. Work is also familiar territory. A movie theater or restaurant can be filled with threats and he wont know where every exit is in spite of him mapping the place constantly.

Also my boyfriend is always fine at work. Frustrates the heck out of me during isolation that the people he works with get him "normal" and then he comes home and can't look at me. When i need logistical questions answered I text him when hes working since i have a better chance of getting an answer and an answer i want to hear.

Based on what you said here I would guess that it isn't you since the behavior you describe is on this site constantly AND he answers you nicely.

But, like stated above, if this is PTSD isolation you have to decide for you if this is something you're ok with. For many, isolation is just part of life. Not going anywhere together. The insecurity that pops up when terms of endearment and affection cease. And when you have done it enough and no longer feel insecure then its just sad. You miss him when he's RIGHT THERE and sad for him that he has to battle whatever his head is doing when he deserves a break.

I would caution against the mindset you seem to have.

Please make it make since, I love him and want to help him get passed the shutting down.

You cannot help him. He can only help himself. He may not ever get passed it. It may even get worse, especially if he's not in treatment.

I want him to be better and I want to help him.

Again, you cannot help him, only he can help him. He may not ever improve, especially if he's not in treatment. He may even get worse. With PTSD AND TBI its a rough road. Similar symptoms and completely different treatments.

The long and short of it is I really care about him and I could never walk away from him.

Never say never. You have to remember you. You can absolutely care for him deeply but don't let your care for him become detrimental to you. For many on this site, including myself, that means paying attention to when you must walk away and actually doing it when necessary.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Even giving you 2ndry PTSD.

That's not really how that works. They may hurt your feelings a whole bunch, but that's not secondary PTSD.

@Grace1 We do tell new supporters who come on here to decide if they want to deal with this type of relationship... it sounds harsh, but it's not. It's blunt, but we deal with a lot of reality here.

Love isn't always enough. You can love somebody to heaven and back and it still may not work if they're too ill to function in a relationship.

Like @OrangeJulius said earlier, you can't help him get over or fix anything. He has a mental illness. He may never get better. In fact, this may be as good as he ever gets.

Like I said... lots of reality here.

 

[Grace1]

He says that he loves me and it’s been a long time since he’s been in a romantic relationship.
I just feel like he gets to appoint where can open up but then he starts thinking. When I email him things or talk to him - I see where it stops and starts. I really don’t want to fix him, I just think he should get help so he can live a better life. Life is too good to just sit on the sidelines. I know so many people that have PTSD but function more normally. He doesn’t take any meds but he ask won’t go to therapy. I don’t get it they fight for our country on the frontline, but then won’t fight for their quality of life when they get back.

 

[HopefulD]

He says that he loves me and it’s been a long time since he’s been in a romantic relationship.
I just feel like he gets to appoint where can open up but then he starts thinking. When I email him things or talk to him - I see where it stops and starts. I really don’t want to fix him, I just think he should get help so he can live a better life. Life is too good to just sit on the sidelines. I know so many people that have PTSD but function more normally. He doesn’t take any meds but he ask won’t go to therapy. I don’t get it they fight for our country on the frontline, but then won’t fight for their quality of life when they get back.

That's combat PTSD. If they aren't in treatment it will not get better. If they refuse treatment you can't make them. It's terrible and hurtful to watch and be a part of their decision not to seek treatment.Therefore you have to decide if this is what you want. You really have to take care of your own well being first and coming here is a great step. It's helped me greatly. You aren't alone.

 

[Sweetpea76]

PTSD is complicated. Each sufferer's case is individual with its own specific trauma history, triggers, symptom set... not to mention personality and general attitude. It's more complicated than "a lot of people with PTSD can function so why can't he?"
His case may be more severe. Other people may not have the same symptoms to deal with. You cannot compare one to the other. It's not like a good attitude adjustment is all he needs to get better. He has a mental illness.

Even in the case of combat PTSD... two guys can be standing right next to each other and have the same Crit. A trauma and still have two totally different reactions.

 

[Grace1]

The bad thing he works everday for the VA serving Vets but nothing for himself. Sometimes I feel like he wants to change but it’s easier doing what he’s been doing. If he keeps doing the same thing he’s been doing he never gets out of his comfort zone. I’m just sick about the whole thing.

 

[Sweetpea76]

He may not be able to do anything more than he's doing right now. He may be hanging on by his fingernails. PTSD sufferers get good at survival mode and faking "normality".

How long have you been talking closely to him? Have you spent any time with him alone?

 

[Grace1]

I understand the mental illness piece and that does not just cut off and on it’s permanent. I don’t know, I just feel like I can’t walk away. How when you see someone hurting, I’m can’t walk away.

 

[HopefulD]

The bad thing he works everday for the VA serving Vets but nothing for himself. Sometimes I feel like he wants to change but it’s easier doing what he’s been doing. If he keeps doing the same thing he’s been doing he never gets out of his comfort zone. I’m just sick about the whole thing.

Mine functions everyday at his gov contractor job. No problem. Continues his contract and no one is the wiser. I've heard from many that the sufferer can function just fine on a daily basis with their jobs. However emotional and intimate relationship's are very difficult to maintain for them. Mental trauma affects each person differently but still needs to be addressed. I'm sorry you are going through this. I'm sorry for the heartache and the confusion and the pain. Again you are not alone.