Combat vet help

[kelfarms]

In my experience, with my vet, it's best to leave him alone when he isolates. However, everyone is different. I don't think writing your guy a letter explaining that you've got a better understanding of what he's going through would be a bad thing if you keep it short, let him know you're there if he needs anything, and keep it upbeat. And don't stress out (ha) if you don't get a reply. From what I understand, part of isolation is being in survival mode, which doesn't leave much energy for anything else except, well, surviving. Best of luck!

Thank you! Your experience is very helpful.

 

[HopefulD]

In your experience when they isolate its best to leave them alone. I want to write him a letter telling him I get it. I’m not sure it will help or make it worse

In my experience you have to be careful with your words when you write. Some thrive on anger. Mine is a vet. Rarely the email gets a response. Months later I will get an email out of the blue with no apologies no reference to what happened prior. So far that's what happens to me for years now. This last time I have nicely told him that he is aware there are programs and information available to him. If he is unable unwilling or not interested in them then the outcome is the same. Try as I might there is no future in the relationship. He helps those who help themselves. That's a significant statement and I believe it. He has blocked my cell number and I'm not sure he is reading my emails. So o screenshot it and sent it via from another cellphone. No response and I don't expect one.

And just for the record I am really struggling today. Knowing I set a boundary for him to get help so I don't have to be in this cyclical push pull isolate situation. Also because I want him to start to get emotionally and mentally healthy. On the other hand I worry he will isolate further. Never reach out to me again. So that is a significant amount of sadness on me. Damned if I do, damned if I don't.

 

[Murphy17]

And just for the record I am really struggling today. Knowing I set a boundary for him to get help so I don't have to be in this cyclical push pull isolate situation. Also because I want him to start to get emotionally and mentally healthy. On the other hand I worry he will isolate further. Never reach out to me again. So that is a significant amount of sadness on me. Damned if I do, damned if I don't.

I understand...I had a really rough time yesterday. It's great that you want him to get healthy - that helps both of you. But if he doesn't want to get help - that has nothing to do with you. You'll read time and time again on this forum that sufferers have to be ready and willing to get the help they need. Two things you can't change - the weather, and other people. I'm sorry you're sad :-(

 

[Freida]

I want to write him a letter telling him I get it. I’m not sure it will help or make it worse

Don't. It will be interpreted as he reads it -- not as you meant it.

Damned if I do, damned if I don't.

yep - the joys of ptsd.

If you haven't seen it yet you might check this thread...
What are they thinking
Lots of input from both sides on how and why isolation happens. It doesn't solve it, but it helps to see you are not alone in this and get some ideas from other supporters.

 

[HopefulD]

I understand...I had a really rough time yesterday. It's great that you want him to get healthy - that helps both of you. But if he doesn't want to get help - that has nothing to do with you. You'll read time and time again on this forum that sufferers have to be ready and willing to get the help they need. Two things you can't change - the weather, and other people. I'm sorry you're sad :-(

Thanks for the acknowledgement. It's helpful to know I'm not alone. The sadness comes and goes. The worry for him is constant. Much like the love I have for him. I didn't want to set this hard boundary this last time but felt I had no choice. It's getting into the danger zone for him, I could see it in his behavior. I can only hope he gets help before he crashes and burns.

Don't. It will be interpreted as he reads it -- not as you meant it.

yep - the joys of ptsd.

If you haven't seen it yet you might check this thread...
What are they thinking
Lots of input from both sides on how and why isolation happens. It doesn't solve it, but it helps to see you are not alone in this and get some ideas from other supporters.

Yeah I've been participating in that thread. I just changed my profile name yesterday.

 

[scout86]

About telling him you "get it". You might want to be careful with that. Awhile back, a friend told me that during a conversation. While I was still thinking "Gee I hope not!" something happened that showed her she actually DIDN'T get it. It might be more helpful to say something like, you know you didn't get it before, you realize that now, but you care anyway.

 

[anon1234]

Don't. It will be interpreted as he reads it -- not as you meant it.

frieda’s right here. I’ve fallen into this trap.

 

[chipman]

Need advise... was dating a Combat Vet. One day we’re fine then he had a Birthday and suddenly I’m ghosted. I pushed not understanding what he needed. I pushed him and he has eliminated me from his life. I have strong feelings for him, but I’m afraid It’s to late.

I am a combat vet with three years of therapy and drug treatment. I too can not accept any relationship with a potential partner. I feel for anyone who is dating someone like me. I can not say if your s.o. feels like I do. Combat is not healthy nor will it ever be. When a person has to do what we had to do a feeling of worthless is all you can feel. Keep trying but with the knowledge that the future is a long rocky road to yet to travel. Sorry to be a downer but it happens all too often. Good luck.

 

[kelfarms]

I am a combat vet with three years of therapy and drug treatment. I too can not accept any relationship with a potential partner. I feel for anyone who is dating someone like me. I can not say if your s.o. feels like I do. Combat is not healthy nor will it ever be. When a person has to do what we had to do a feeling of worthless is all you can feel. Keep trying but with the knowledge that the future is a long rocky road to yet to travel. Sorry to be a downer but it happens all too often. Good luck.

Thank you for your help, it means a lot.

 

[Surefoot]

sufferers have to be ready and willing to get the help they need. Two things you can't change - the weather, and other people.

Murphy17, You are hitting some important thoughts in this discussion. A person with PTSD is not going to be able to change unless and until they recognize the 800 lb Gorilla in the room is the problem not just the way things are. This may be a short lived event but typically it is something that will take time (no way to draw a circle around the length of time. In my case, it took 5 decades.) We must first determine to take our lives back. In order to win this fight, we have to have a target at which to aim.

I dealt with my challenges mostly unencumbered by any relationship. We have to fight for ourselves before we can fight for us +1. For those who are in relationship with someone in the grips of PTSD, you have to be willing to step back and give space for however long it takes. Wanting to survive and reclaim ones life is a critical step forward.
Again, positive guidance Murphy17
Surefoot

 

[NaeNae75]

We have to fight for ourselves before we can fight for us +1. For those who are in relationship with someone in the grips of PTSD, you have to be willing to step back and give space for however long it takes.

I understand this, but also it is only true from one side. I don't need him to fight for me. He can fight for himself even if I'm around. I don't need him to fight for me, I would settle for him not fighting against me at this point. To stop blaming me. Really, many of us are willing ti help them fight, i.e. be supportive.
Space is necessary in any healthy relationship, but many in a PTSD relationship needs to be ready for even more as a general rule.

 

[Friday]

We have to fight for ourselves before we can fight for us +1.

Very much agreed.

Although I did it the other way around, and most of getting myself back in hand was done inside of invaluable relationships. <<< Definitely note the plural, there. Whether f*ckbuddies or partners in crime, the people I brought into my life for more than a minute we’re amazing and incredible, and there is no way on earth I would be who I am without them, but there is also no way I could have been in a long term relationship when I was symptomatic as blazes and learning.

For those who are in relationship with someone in the grips of PTSD, you have to be willing to step back and give space for however long it takes.

Very much disagreed.

Part of forming long term relationships? Meant I had to learn to both compromise & plan. I couldn’t just take off for a year or 2 (like I very much did earlier on) for the hell of it and expect people to sit around and wait for me. Nor 6 months. I could arrange a month or three in advance sometimes, but that required not only taking their wants and needs into account, but once I had kids? Theirs also. Lots & Lots of Logistics with a capital L. My responsibility to manage myself, rather than the people in my life to suck it up and deal, if I wanted to be IN those long term relationships.

From the other side of the coin? When I’ve dated people with my brand of crazy? I’m not going to sit around waiting forever for them, either. I have my own natural limits (x amount of time I’m not bothered by, y becomes problematic, z doesn’t fly). If someone wants to be in a relationship with me? Just like if I want to be in a relationship with someone else, we’ve got to work inside each other’s limits.