Release.....how do you stop from needing actual pain?

[Warrior Chicken]

I think so many of us feel pain constantly, whether it’s from tense muscles to aching joints and emotional pain. I don’t know how common it is to become hugely triggered, contain the emotions for a period and then finally have a need to release it. Chime in if you get it....

That’s where I am, knowing it’s not right, I’ll regret it, people may wonder if they can see it, and I’ll have to explain. But it transfers the pain inside me into something immediate, I can understand it.

I know the various techniques that replace it, but my brain doesn’t derive the same result.

I will take any advice to work thru this. Thanks if you share....

 

[Freemartin]

Chime in if you get it....

I do.
Inflicting physical pain on myself serves many different purposes, so I try to figure out what it is that’s needed when the urge comes.

Ice cubes / ice package is the classic for a reason. My personal favourite: I first hold the ice package against my forearm (pain) and then hold it against my face (diver’s reflex which resets the autonomous nervous system).

A session with a punching bag is also often a good idea.

Still, there are times when there’s nothing else that helps than inflicting pain. I try not to beat myself up for that.

 

[FauxLiz]

I get it. In the past I have described it as though the emotional pain is an abscess, eventually the emotional infection becomes such that I have to lance and drain the pain away. I have tried the tips for tricking the brain but most of the time it feels as though all I do is push the inevitable down the road.

 

[Warrior Chicken]

Thanks @Freemartin and @FauxLiz for your input. Figuring out what’s needed at the time the urge arises is something I struggle with.

Working the heavy bag has always been a good place for me, but the urge often arises when I don’t have access to those items.....the ice, good. Will try the ‘divers reflex’.

emotional pain is an abscess

This is how I feel about it too....almost like using leeches to drain poison from a wound.
I think I understand that it’s the adrenaline that causes the release. That some of my trauma also had a component of adrenaline to cancel out pain....but that part confuses me and causes further issues.

If trauma contained adrenaline to fight thru pain, then why would it be something to search for when triggered to the extent that physical pain is sought out?

Not sure I’m making sense....

 

[FauxLiz]

it is not adrenaline that helps us to fight through the pain it is the release of endorphins. Stress, trauma, pain - emotional, physical all release endorphins from the brain that tamper the pain signals from the brain and that is why we seek a way to release them so that we can feel better.

 

[Warrior Chicken]

Oh....didn’t know. Endorphins it is then.

 

[Sideways]

Figuring out what’s needed at the time the urge arises is something I struggle with.

The urge probably has something to do with occasionally needing a respite from the pain you carry around all the time. Often it might come because one too many stressors have piled up and you need some relief.

I think usong analogies is helpful, but the ones being used here I think are feeding the habit, rather than helping you find less destructive ways to manage your pain while you work through things.

When we engage in these behaviours, we aren’t releasing anything. We’re distracting our brain from it temporarily (big difference). And that brings relief. Spending time just not being so conscious of all the chronic pain? Is a huge relief.

But you’re not actually letting your pain out by these behaviours. You’re temporarily covering them up with something more distracting in that moment. A whole lot of sudden pain is a big distraction!

Understanding it that way may help with beginning to change the way you approach this as a management tool. Pain is an effective way to distract your brain. It really is. That’s why it works.

But pain is not the only way to distract your brain. The trick is finding other methods of distracting that work for you, and trying them out with the same conviction that you currently give to your present management method. Then honestly assessing afterwards - did that distract me while I was doing it?

The thing that really motivated me to finally address my addiction to SH, and invest in healthier coping strategies was an entirely different issue. When we physically harm ourselves to provide relief, we often tell ourselves that we’re actually doing a kindness to ourselves.

Unfortunately, the brain doesn’t interpret it that way. That’s plain old cognitive distortions justifying dysfunctional behaviour (which is what cognitive distortions are brilliant at). Our brain actually recognises “I’m physically assaulting myself right now”. Underneath the cognitive distortions that make us feel better in the moment, our brain is actually seeing it for what it is.

The end result for that for me (and I suspect for many others)? Was that SH as a coping mechanism, each and every time I did that, I was reinforcing core beliefs about my worth as a human being. I wouldn’t assault someone that had a lot of worth. So doing it to myself was reinforcing the core belief about my self worth that I was trying so hard to shift in therapy. My SH coping strategy was reminding me (unintentionally) “I really am worth abusing - I’m even happy to do that to myself”.

Behaviours reinforce beliefs. For me? That was my reason to change the way I coped with pain in those desperate moments. I simply couldn’t afford to keep reinforcing that belief, because as long as I did? My pain wasn’t going to get any better.

That was my experience with it anyways!

 

[Freida]

I don't have any words of wisdom because I managed to dodge that particular bullet (I'm a huge ass wimp!). Just dropping by to say it's good to see you back!!!! :hug:

 

[Warrior Chicken]

@Sideways thank you for how you explained your experience to me, it really made sense to me and I also understand things better when analogies are used.

SH as a coping mechanism, each and every time I did that, I was reinforcing core beliefs about my worth as a human being.

This.....completely got thru. Forgive me, but I need to say this and I’m not great at sharing and don’t want to upset anyone, but also because I fear vulnerability. It’s safe here, so I have to get better at using words. One of my traumas when I was young included my attacker using a knife. So, when I feel the pain distraction it gives me the same strength it did back then to survive.....if that makes sense. But how you explained it to me is the core issue, it’s really how I see my worth as a human. He showed me I was worthless and I’m doing the same thing by using SH.

Just like you said here:

My SH coping strategy was reminding me (unintentionally) “I really am worth abusing - I’m even happy to do that to myself”.

Thanks for giving me a method to look at this better.

@Freida the word wimp is never a word I would use to describe you. Thanks for your words.

 

[Sideways]

He showed me I was worthless

This statement is so incredibly important. He didn’t CBT you into these beliefs about yourself. It was the way he treated you that created those beliefs.

You absolutely have the power now to change the way you see yourself. If you can be treated into believing you are worthless? You can absolutely treat yourself into believing the exact opposite.

You deserve better. You don’t need to believe it to treat yourself better. But if you treat yourself better consistently, the beliefs will shift. The same way they did in the first place.