Another shame talk

[jackques]

I know shame has been mentioned in probably every possible way on this site, but I wanted to express my own difficulties with it.

No matter how hard I scrutinize my experience, I still don't feel like I deserve to call myself an abuse survivor. I was never touched, I was never raped or molested. But I was exploited for years online by older men. & The worst thing about it is that I could have stopped and walked away at any time- I wasnt held captive in the situation like some people were.

I know that there's the whole "drowning in a lake vs a puddle is still drowning either way" analogy, but I can never seem to apply it to myself. What happened to me has tainted my entire life, it haunts me to think that I did this to myself, yet I still feel like an outsider to a community I want to seek help from sometimes, because I hate that some humiliation could do this to me. I feel like I need to take responsibility for the shame in my life and it's so hard to reconcile that it could be anything other than my fault, especially when I feel like my experience was so much less than some others have had.

 

[Teasel]

Hi @jackques welcome to the forum.

Can relate to your post muchly, as you say most everyone who's been through something similar feels this way too and yet knowing that barely scratches the surface of penetrating our understanding that it applies to us too.

I regularly suspect/ fear that I'm just mistaken in thinking what I went through really counts or that I've even got PTSD. And it constantly affects me feeling like I've any right to talk about my stuff even here.

Rightly or wrongly I think abuse where the abusers manipulate you to feel complicit in your own abuse is it's own special hell to come to terms with - so shame inducing. Not that I'm trying to say other traumas aren't their own special hell to come to terms with.

 

[ladee]

We are always told here, to not compare traumas, but we do it anyway. When I first got here, I thought, oh man, I don't belong here after reading around for awhile.

And felt embarrassed and shame to even think what I experienced was abuse. Had all sort of scenarios going thru my head of people telling me I was attention seeking and this was NOT the place for me.

But when I did start to share, I was so validated about my life experiances. I still sometimes look at those who had it so much harder than me, but I look at them today, not with comparison, but with respect. If they could slay thier dragons, so could I...

So that's the other side of many having it much worse than I did. They have never once said I shouldn't be here. Because on some level they relate to my pain and struggles.

Try not to let the comparison stop you from learning. Or feeling. Or healing. We all had it bad in our own way, or we wouldn't be here. Glad you shared and appreciate your courage to do so... you aren't alone and you get to be here and share your life with others if you so choose. Someone here is going to relate, count on it!!!

 

[jackques]

We all had it bad in our own way, or we wouldn't be here. Glad you shared and appreciate your courage to do so... you aren't alone and you get to be here and share your life with others if you so choose. Someone here is going to relate, count on it!!!

Thank you for this reply. I definitely think it's difficult to come to terms with, but it's so interesting to reflect for a moment and think "well, no one who 'had it worse' has ever judged me or told me I was faking it, so why do I still expect this to be the case?" Maybe it's society, maybe it's all the pressure of rape culture and the "rock bottom" mentality, where we feel like we have to be at the worst possible state to really claim we're suffering or need help. Stuff to think about, i guess.

 

[jackques]

Rightly or wrongly I think abuse where the abusers manipulate you to feel complicit in your own abuse is it's own special hell to come to terms with - so shame inducing. Not that I'm trying to say other traumas aren't their own special hell to come to terms with.

Absolutely, i empathize so much with this. It's so difficult to let go of that feeling of responsibility. Every type of trauma comes with its own special hell, for sure. The shame of feeling like you did this to yourself is so toxic and heavy.
Thank you for the reply and sharing that with me

 

[Teasel]

The shame of feeling like you did this to yourself is so toxic and heavy.

For sure, think it's the hardest for me, I haven't anyway near dealt with it yet.

 

[jackques]

For sure, think it's the hardest for me, I haven't anyway near dealt with it yet.

Same for me, all the way. I can go to therapy for everything else as much as I'd like, but I feel like dealing with that distortion will be the most useful to my recovery. But it's such a hard thing to let go of.

Best of luck with it, & all my support for your journey ahead <3

 

[Teasel]

Best of luck with it, & all my support for your journey ahead <3

And for you too :-)