Only took 50 years to deal with my abuse.

[littleoc]

You deserve support :hug:

 

[TTC18]

attacking myself for not remembering clearly, or even knowing what I'm feeling

I remember everything in flashes. My memories don't tell stories, I just see flashes of this and that - it's really frustrating, and makes things difficult for sure - but that's not *my* fault any more than it's your fault - it's just how our brains coped with crap.
I don't know what I'm feeling most of the time either, I'm pretty much at 80% numbed down or better all the time.
Don't beat yourself up over any of this. :hug: Give yourself time. :)

 

[PTSDGuy]

I remember everything in flashes. My memories don't tell stories, I just see flashes of this and that - it's really frustrating, and makes things difficult for sure - but that's not *my* fault any more than it's your fault - it's just how our brains coped with crap.
I don't know what I'm feeling most of the time either, I'm pretty much at 80% numbed down or better all the time.
Don't beat yourself up over any of this. :hug: Give yourself time. :)

You deserve support :hug:

What great messages to wake up to - thanks!

I guess they're called flashbacks because we get flashes of what happened... How did I not even notice that before? (All those years at University were obviously a waste of time!)

In reading every book under the sun on PTSD, I kept reading about "emotional flashbacks", but somehow I thought they didn't include visuals. I literally thought they were only feelings that showed up out of the blue.

As usual, I thought I was doing something "wrong". Everyone else was doing it right, but somehow I wasn't.

But when I read other people's experiences, I realize what's going on in my mind is "normal". That's one less thing to beat myself up over, hopefully.

 

[TTC18]

There are all kinds of flashbacks. Sometimes I just feel the same surge of fear I felt during a traumatic situation. Sometimes I 'see' the memory - with visual, tactile, emotional, etc. There's no 'right' way to have a flashback.

That's one less thing to beat myself up over, hopefully.

Yeah, don't beat yourself up over anything! :)

 

[PTSDGuy]

Yeah, don't beat yourself up over anything! :)

I'm working on it. ?

 

[ladee]

It's easy for us to suggest you don't beat yourself up, as , usually we are doing just what we are suggesting you don't do, if that makes sense. But I know when I say that , I am also reminding myself to just STAAAP IT!!

Perfection is an illusion. One of many that will be destroyed on this journey. If we already knew how to do this stuff, we wouldn't need to be here. With others reminding us, us reminding our-self, ect.

And no offense intended to practicing Catholics, but I have never, in my long life, met a Catholic that wasn't guilt ridden to the point of denying their own human condition... Maybe one day you will also get to say, ' I'm a recovering Catholic!"

 

[PTSDGuy]

And no offense intended to practicing Catholics, but I have never, in my long life, met a Catholic that wasn't guilt ridden to the point of denying their own human condition... Maybe one day you will also get to say, ' I'm a recovering Catholic!"

Now that made me laugh!. I'd have to become a Catholic in order to be able to leave it and say I'm recovering. I'm married to an ex-Catholic, so I can live it through him. ?

Perfection is an illusion. One of many that will be destroyed on this journey. If we already knew how to do this stuff, we wouldn't need to be here. With others reminding us, us reminding our-self, ect.

I'm definitely learning a lot with this whole journey... Like that I need to relax and allow myself to make mistakes, and that I'm not a 13 year old forced to do everything on my own any more.

I'm trying to ask for help, but people don't make things easy...

I discussed things with my boss and explained that I'm overwhelmed because of PTSD and flashbacks, and I just can't do it right now...

I'm supposed to have a caseload of roughly 18 clients at work. Most of the other people have 19 or 20 clients. I had 27 on my caseload. I told her it's just impossible, I can't do it any more...

She seemed really supportive. She told me she totally understood, and that other people will have to pick up some of my work. She told me I could take 4 or 5 clients off my caseload. But she wanted me to find people to take each client.

When I went out with one of my colleagues (Who I thought was a friend and would be supportive) to explain why I needed her to take one extra client, she spent most of the time complaining. "Why should other people have to deal with extra work because of you?"... and that I should just keep all 27 clients, because "it's not fair to anyone else"...

Plus someone else I work with tries to send me extra clients daily - even though I spent time explaining what was going on to her too, and she seemed like she agreed. I've had to tell her no over and over about adding on at least 6 more clients in the past couple of weeks. She texts, emails, tells me in person, and I just keep saying no. At this point, if I hadn't, I'd have 29 clients... That's more than before I talked with them!

It seems people want to "support" me at work as long as everything stays exactly the same as it is.

But I'm finally at the point where I know I can't do it, and my mental health is too important to give in like usual. If this had been even a year ago, I would have just shut up and tried to keep up. So I guess I'm improving...

 

[bellbird]

Most of the other people have 19 or 20 clients. I had 27 on my caseload.

Sorry if I've missed something, but how did this happen?
PTSD aside, if you've got 30% more clients than your colleagues, surely that isn't an issue that you need to be ameliorating, but rather something that never should have happened in the first place?
Anyone, mental illness or not, would be exhausted by that workload.

 

[ladee]

Sorry, I misunderstood!! But, you can say that instead of I have PTSD!!! I'm sorry, I can't have this many people on my caseload, I'm a recovering Catholic.. !!! Never know, that might make more sense to them and they would take NO for an answer.

And yes, you are improving!! And sorry you have to find your own help, but don't stop at that one person... there might be an actual human working with you and help out. It's a good practice in asking for what you need...

That is true in many cases, they are sooooo sorrrrry, BUT...


so when you have a complete meltdown at work, on your way down you can say, seeee I told ya....

But that is many of us probably. We don't know how to say no to begin with, and we don't want anyone to think we aren't a team player, and we don't want to cause any problems, and we are more empathetic to our peers than we are to our self, and, and, you get the idea...

Sorry, I truly hope this can be resolved because you have to have energy to take care of yourself. What they don't realize is, if it keeps up this way, and you burn out, they are going to get your caseload anyway...

Can you take a leave of absense? I think I already know the anwer to this.. sad thing is, if you had Cancer, I feel they would help out... People make me tired.

 

[PTSDGuy]

It basically happened because the person who decided, kept giving me more and more clients for God knows why... I could have made a huge fuss, but I wasn't even sure we'd have jobs, so I felt pressured. It's only in the last while that I found out that no one else had as many...

My husband had a heart attack (and then a quadruple bypass) in September... It turns out I saved his life - he was refusing to go to the hospital, and I went crazy until he went. The docs told me if I hadn't been there, he'd be dead now...

I think it was the stress of seeing him taken away in an ambulance, and not knowing if he'd live or not, that overwhelmed me and I started having major flashbacks. I took a month off to deal with doctors, surgeons, social workers, you name it - and when I came back to work, I had to play catch up - no one had even told my clients where I went...

Now that my job is secure, I'll be taking better care of myself...

When I stand back and look at the big picture, my life has been insane this year.

 

[littleoc]

That’s a huge stressor, so I’m not surprised that that would overwhelm you in other areas of your life. I’m so glad you made sure he got to doctor. That sounds scary. :hug:

 

[bellbird]

Very very glad you were able to get your husband to go to the hospital!!!!
That would have been incredibly stressful for you.
How is your husband doing now (heart/health-wise) if you don't mind my asking?

sad thing is, if you had Cancer, I feel they would help out...

Ain't that the truth... :/