Relationship Worse Before It's Better? Looking for Experience with Starting Therapy, Especially EMDR

[NaeNae75]

Man, I'm glad I have my appointment with my T tomorrow. This has been the longest week ever. I don't want to stay in this place...I'm ready for my spiritual awakening. I'm ready to fill my voids with myself. I'm sort of sad that I feel so lonely right now, but I think it's the catalyst to achieve some real progress for myself. I'm so afraid. I'm scared to death, in fact. But I know I have to do this alone...and I have to accept he does to.

I guess it's funny that the isolator is the one surrounded by people he doesn't want there, and I'm facing most of this on my own and I'm the social one...

 

[EveHarrington]

Do you realize you’re chasing an unavailable man?

 

[Freida]

I'm sort of sad that I feel so lonely right now, but I think it's the catalyst to achieve some real progress for myself.

I think this is huge! No matter how things work out with the two of you you will have learned things that will help you be more comfortable with who you are. That's a good thing! :hug:

 

[Abstract]

I really need to love myself more. Maybe I can't see why he would ever want to hold onto me, so I hold so tightly onto him.

really important one to look at. Whatever is and isnt with this relationship I will say it is pretty evident that you need to do more looking after you and finding more support for you. He is a totally different person to you. You are you. He is him. Be careful of projecting and over identifying. You are indivuduals with your own paths and jouneys and historys. You may or may not share a future and that will entirely be your joint decision and be nothing to do with other people. But healing for yourself needs to be about you and healing for himself needs to be about him. I dont mean in a selfish sense and rather self care and healing. I really think you need to make some changes to how things have been. That doesn;t have to mean a change in the situation and can be a shift within yourself and appreciation of you and putting you first. You are going through a lot and need to take care of you.

 

[NaeNae75]

Do you realize you’re chasing an unavailable man?

Maybe, I don't know. All I know is our pattern...that he leaves in October, keeps his toes in, and is completely back after the holidays. I'm just used to this pattern.

I guess since his toes are still in and he's finally in therapy, maybe we could have an actual shot this time....the same pattern for almost 9 years...

So no, none of this is obvious to me. But I do see that things are different this time. Now he has a roommate, and is in therapy, and I guess tonight he bought his son a dog. Of course, I told him 2 days ago his son was talking about wanting to move back by his mom because he's been ignoring him...but whatever.

So, maybe I have zero idea about what is going on anymore. I know we talk every day. I know we're definitely broken up.

I know I need to heal and he needs to heal and they are both very separate things. I know I'm so all in to my therapy....so, I guess no, I don't know what the hell I'm doing.

Some people here are patient and their partners return, he always has... some people leave. The reality is I have no idea what will happen. But I definitely have skin in the game. Jesus, we still have joint accounts.... ...he hasn't tried to separate any of them... .so yeah, I'm completely confused.

 

[EveHarrington]

What do YOU want?

At this point, it’s been 9 years. This pattern is most likely not going to change. Can you live this way for the rest of your life?

 

[NaeNae75]

Thank you all for your input and help! It hasn't been easy, but I do know that how I feel about me is the only thing I can control. I'm going a bit crazy, because I'm opening myself up to a lot of peoples opinions, but no one can understand what I'm going through without their own projections onto it. I also realize that's human nature. I think everyone irl is afraid I'm going to be hurt if he doesn't in fact come back....but none of them realize, I already think he might not come back. I guess it just pisses me off, because I was holding onto the idea that him getting in therapy was going to help fix our issues.

I don't know, maybe it will, maybe it won't...but as of right now, all it has done is make him unavailable to be in a romantic relationship with me right now. It's up to me how to cope with the reality of that. I'm doing what I can. I'm in therapy every week, I'm journaling both in here and on paper, I have a life coach and an energy healer, I'm going to retreats and to seminars and events....Jesus- I'm doing everything I can to keep my head above water and try to work at fixing myself.

Each and every one of those things are focused on ME. On how I can deal with all of it. How I have allowed myself to experience these patterns. Not just with him, but the other 3 guys I've dated as an adult. How I've made myself available to only noncommittal people. The one time one of them moved too close, I bolted. So really, I need to figure out how much of this pattern is my own fault. I completely understand that if he was available tomorrow to date again, I can't allow myself to be. I know that I'm not healthy enough right now either...not until I figure out some of these things.

For crying out loud...I let my 24 year old daughter convince me that him buying that dog today means that he's never ever going to come back because it means he's moving on without me. It made me feel like I got punched in the gut. The reality is, he's using the damn dog to bribe his son not to move back by his mother's house. I know he was missing my dogs, but he has sworn up and down he'd never get a dog at his house because he doesn't have the time for one and isn't willing to make that sort of commitment. So who knows what the dog really means....but the fact I let her convince me of that and it hurting me says that I have an issue.

I've been with this man 25% of my life...almost 50% of my adult life...I can't just turn it all off at the drop of a dime. I don't work that way. I've been completely invested in this relationship for a long time. He's the one person I've never held back from. The thing is, I don't know if I can live this way forever or not...that's what I'm trying to figure out along with a multitude of other things. But I do know that I love him, and that hasn't changed. I know I'm not mad at him for any of this. I know that he's doing what he feels he had to do.

But even though I'm not mad, does it hurt me? Of course it does. Do I find it odd that he's so willing and happy to talk to me everyday and that he's back to using my nick name, etc? Of course I do. I see it being not exact to his normal pattern, but close enough. But I'm trying to see if we can break it and do something different this time. I'm okay with us being friends for now until we figure out what either of us is capable of. I'm not willing to throw out the baby with the bathwater at this moment. I'm willing to see it through to completion. If we're still talking and have joint accounts, that does not feel like completion to me. We're still involved in each other's children's lives, that also doesn't feel like completion to me. It may not be the "fairy tale" ending, but I'm not sure I was looking for that anyway with him. I just know that he and his son are hugely important parts of my life, and I'm not willing to throw out the good parts for the bad ones. I don't know that I'll ever be able to do that.

So even if I do have to move on from us ever being a "couple" again, I know that even though there may be an awkward phase, I'd rather be his friend than lose them all together...and to have my kids lose them too. His relationship with them is too important to me. Other than this, he's an excellent role model to them in so many ways. He's loving, kind, and nurturing. He loves us too....that matters to me more than my hurt feelings.

 

[Freida]

The thing is, I don't know if I can live this way forever or not...that's what I'm trying to figure out along with a multitude of other things.

I wonder --- this may be an extreme runaway because of all the crap that comes up in therapy and he may have to get his head around that before he can be back to "him".

Hubby and I don't usually talk about my therapy. He knows I go, and we have talked about some of the safer traumas but not the big ones. I simply can't do that. Not to him. Which, as supporters have pointed to me repeatedly, is not fair to him. It should be his choice if he can handle it or not. Not mine.

But... no matter how many times I hear it I just cannot get it into my head. I'm not even sure it's true.... but I kinda think it might be - based on the input I get. It's very confusing to be honest.

so with that -- I have thought on more than one occasion of just saying screw it and bailing. I work really really hard not to do it -- but it would be so much easier. I could happily love him from a distance, while living with a roommate in another town. I've been racking my brain all night trying to figure out why I think that's ok and ... I've got nuthin. It just makes sense. I'm wondering if it's just a part of how my ptsd brain works. Because I could see myself doing exactly what your guy is doing and the only thing that stops me is hearing from the supporters (and the fact that we couldn't afford it!)

Would it mean I didn't love him? I don't think so. I think in the far dark areas of my brain I would be protecting both of us...from me. Would I want to come back? that's harder to answer. I know I ghost all January and once its over I'm happy to be back and after all this time I know he will be there. So if I moved out then ya.... I think I would assume that he is still waiting for me. Which is quite frankly stupid!

If your guy comes back maybe you need to set some ground rules for ghosting -- like no signing an apartment lease without talking it over?

Sorry -- I know I"m all over the place but it kind of shocked me just now when I realized that yea -- I do get what he is doing. I just don't know what I would need to fix it.
Not sure if that helps or hurts?
But I agree this time should be yours. If he comes back maybe you will be there and maybe you wont. And that will be on him.

 

[NaeNae75]

I wonder --- this may be an extreme runaway because of all the crap that comes up in therapy and he may have to get his head around that before he can be back to "him".

Hubby and I don't usually talk about my therapy. He knows I go, and we have talked about some of the safer traumas but not the big ones. I simply can't do that. Not to him. Which, as supporters have pointed to me repeatedly, is not fair to him. It should be his choice if he can handle it or not. Not mine.

But... no matter how many times I hear it I just cannot get it into my head. I'm not even sure it's true.... but I kinda think it might be - based on the input I get. It's very confusing to be honest.

so with that -- I have thought on more than one occasion of just saying screw it and bailing. I work really really hard not to do it -- but it would be so much easier. I could happily love him from a distance, while living with a roommate in another town. I've been racking my brain all night trying to figure out why I think that's ok and ... I've got nuthin. It just makes sense. I'm wondering if it's just a part of how my ptsd brain works. Because I could see myself doing exactly what your guy is doing and the only thing that stops me is hearing from the supporters (and the fact that we couldn't afford it!)

Would it mean I didn't love him? I don't think so. I think in the far dark areas of my brain I would be protecting both of us...from me. Would I want to come back? that's harder to answer. I know I ghost all January and once its over I'm happy to be back and after all this time I know he will be there. So if I moved out then ya.... I think I would assume that he is still waiting for me. Which is quite frankly stupid!

If your guy comes back maybe you need to set some ground rules for ghosting -- like no signing an apartment lease without talking it over?

Sorry -- I know I"m all over the place but it kind of shocked me just now when I realized that yea -- I do get what he is doing. I just don't know what I would need to fix it.
Not sure if that helps or hurts?
But I agree this time should be yours. If he comes back maybe you will be there and maybe you wont. And that will be on him.

Thank you, @Freida. It does help in a weird way. I know without a doubt he loves me. I just wish I could make him understand I love him too.

There are so many people that keep saying, no contact will scare him into reconnecting with you...I think that's playing games. I haven't contacted him today at all trying to figure out whether it helps or hurts either of us.

But I think that using "conventional" wisdom will not work with him. I feel that if you love someone, you should show them in the healthiest ways possible. I think for him, it's that he's starting in contact, working on himself, etc.

It sounds like he's planning to come to JJs birthday party, which is important to me. He's her only "grandfather". He knows we're planning on attending LKs Christmas concert. I'm not sure what is going to happen with Christmas.

My Reiki lady says he's the type that needs to break something completely to try to fix it correctly. She says that's why he keeps trying to break up to break himself. She said this time she feels it's different and I need to give him the space for it to be different in order for it to actually work. I don't know how much stock I put into all of it, but it sort of makes sense.

He said he's had to grieve losing us, but I don't understand that, because we're all right here waiting and supporting him. Besides... he's still holding onto the trauma from his ex wife of a year that he hated but can grieve our relationship in a couple of weeks? I don't buy that. I think he doesn't have to because subconsciously he knows I'm here.

Do you think that you have felt safe to isolate because your husband always proved to be consistent and there? How would you deal with things if he left on your hiatus?
I really think he wants me to move on because he thinks that its sacrificing to do that. What he doesn't understand is, all that happens is I am forced (if I stay with him) to sacrifice too.

He won't be honest with me right now about it, because I don't think even he knows what he wants overall...I guess it's for me to be happy (that's what he says) but he doesn't realize that my life us my choice.

 

[Freida]

He said he's had to grieve losing us,

oh crap that hit me hard. Ok..I am TOTALLY projecting.... but.
I grieve my relationships because I KNOW that if the people I love find out the truth about me, about the things I did, they will leave me. It doesn't matter how much they try to tell me they wont. The reality is that if I EVER slip up and tell them then-- Poof. Gone. Over. So if I grieve ahead of time then I'm prepared for when they to leave. And sometimes, usually after a really bad emdr session, I think maybe its better that I leave first.

Do you think that you have felt safe to isolate because your husband always proved to be consistent and there? How would you deal with things if he left on your hiatus?

so many answers to this... LOL. Ok, lets talk January. He says I'm like a zombie, so it doesn't matter if he is there or not. But when I come out then he's there. So it doesn't matter during. It matters after. Does that make sense? Would I notice if he left? During part of it yes - before it gets really bad and I totally check out. And if he were to leave? See above ^^^ Its a self-fulfilling prophecy. I'd be ready for it.

He won't be honest with me right now about it, because I don't think even he knows what he wants overall.

honesty. That kind of makes me giggle. Because what is it I'm supposed to be honest about? Why did I leave? Why did I come back? What' going thru my mind? What am I hoping to achieve? What do I think about global warming? Oh good god the only thing I know is that I have to get thru the next 10 seconds.

I don't want to give you false hope because like you have said -- this time is different. I'm wondering if you can make it less about you two as a couple and more about you as individual people? Maybe share the things that you are working to on to help you feel better in your own skin? That might take some of the pressure off and hopefully encourage him to share what hes doing?

just a thought.....

 

[NaeNae75]

So if I grieve ahead of time then I'm prepared for when they to leave. And sometimes, usually after a really bad emdr session, I think maybe its better that I leave first.

Yeah, this sounds about tghe same as him, I think. But we haven't gone anywhere... no matter how hard he tries to push me. I think he's maybe afraid I'll see "the real him" and bolt, so he tries to beat me to the punch. But yep....still here, still loving him just as he is...whether he'll be mine again or not. Because I see his humanity like he's always seein mine.

Would I notice if he left? During part of it yes - before it gets really bad and I totally check out. And if he were to leave? See above ^^^ Its a self-fulfilling prophecy. I'd be ready for it.

This makes me sad a little. That would be a horrible way to have to feel. Although there are times I'm afraid to check my email or texts from him when I know it's coming soon.

Oh good god the only thing I know is that I have to get thru the next 10 seconds.

This is a huge reminder of his point of view at times.

I don't want to give you false hope because like you have said -- this time is different. I'm wondering if you can make it less about you two as a couple and more about you as individual people? Maybe share the things that you are working to on to help you feel better in your own skin? That might take some of the pressure off and hopefully encourage him to share what hes doing?

No false hope. My T helped a lot today too. She told me in her experience when she feels she doesn't know what to do and is stressed about it, she leaves the decision unmade as an option until more information is available. She said to do my best to stop listening to the chatter that doesn't serve me, because I'm the only one that has to live with my consequences.

She told me she would like to see me continue to do things that make me happy and not feel pressured to make a decision about him until I'm ready. When I'm in this type of mindset, I don't struggle very much at all. She said, "what's the worst that can happen? What can you do to be okay with that? "

I did find out he didn't tell me about the dog when we talked yesterday because he didn't know. I guess his roommate brought the dog home while he was gone yesterday. He's not super thrilled about it either. I need to stop getting so overly involved.

Things are different, but I'm part of that too. My growth is part of the unrest in me as well. I think it's a good idea to embrace my journey and let him have his. I guess if I'd calm my butt down I'd see he's giving me everything he has to give, and it's so much more than what a lot of people here get. We had a really nice conversation again today. So maybe I need to shake it off and see the good stuff for what it is, and continue to focus on getting myself in a better place.

When talking to my T, she also asked if he was ever diagnosed as bipolar. He hasn't, "just" PTSD and depression, but I've wondered that myself. After taking to her, I have a better game plan to work on. She helped calm my need to race to a conclusion.

Maybe I can actually sleep tonight! Thank you for your continued help!

 

[Freida]

I'm so glad she was able to help! that is awesome!
and happy that some of my babbling made you feel better :laugh: