ED Disordered eating

[VioletButterfly]

Ah, as for me... I think I may have inspired myself to get back on the recovery train after that post. I have had some of the chicken I baked and am going to fix a sandwich here in a minute, along with a pear to have for lunch. I took my supplements, have looked for jobs, and am planning on working in my journal regarding some of my thinking. I think being a human-doing can sometimes inspire the human being inside of me. I'm going with it for today. The path of the "next right thing." :)

 

[Mach123]

I'm glad this thread and up I'm going to fast (I think.) it's

Hi @Mach123 - From what you've shared, I sense that you might be in a bit of a quandary related to accepting that you are having trouble with disordered eating and what that really means. I might be reading between the lines, so please dismiss any/all of this if I'm off base, but I wanted to throw a lifeline of sorts out to you. :)

The ED mind is a wily mind and likes to tell a lot of lies, and mislead us. It's still very difficult for me to accept that I have disordered eating. You've read my entries, what do you think. :0 Still, deep down inside, I'm believing a lot of ED lies and just think I'm lazy, a loser, blah blah.... Life will be like this forever; it doesn't matter what I try - I will fail. Comforting, right? For me, ED lies seem to run tangentially to trauma lies and to be intertwined with cognitive distortions. For me, I think I have to really work through the mental/emotional issues I've been contending with and wrangling with for so many years, and just walk through the valley, not fearing what is at the other side.

This is where a treatment team can be essential in deciding what is best for you. They can help you work with your thinking and your behaviors, and keep an eye on your health. If you are not already doing so, I'd continue the conversation with your therapist and assemble a team to help you. I believe you have already mentioned that you saw a nutritionist. I hope that was helpful and that you can return for another visit.

Also, treatment aside, one of your statements caught my eye as it was something I struggled/still struggle with as well:



Your nutritionist and MD will tell you this, but your metabolism may slowdown and you might not need as many calories to keep functioning in the near term, but nutrients are something all together different from calories when considering what your body needs. Organs, muscles/soft tissue, bones, etc... need nutrients to stay strong and healthy. You may not know or feel that things are going wrong in your body in the moment, but over time your body, your mind, etc.. will be impacted by long term malnutrition.

Sending prayers of healing, courage and strength to help you continue on your healing journey. VB

Thanks I appreciate it so much. I guess I feel like my therapist can say whatever and I go with that. She said it. I don't think it's a very high priority because she'd let me know if it was. They would get me to a doctor if it came to that. My pdoc has not said much and right now they are more concerned about getting me to a urologist. I think psychologically high water floats all boats and as I get better, I get better.

I struggle with it (food) like everything. Everything creeps up on me. I'm always "doing something about it." So, because lately I've been trying to do something about it and nothing is happening, (on so many fronts,) I'll do a fast. IDK if I'm doing it yet. I'll know when I go to bed how I did.

 

[VioletButterfly]

I don't know, I reread the following list and it seems kind of awkward. Maybe that's the point though. These shoes are still uncomfortable and pinch a bit.

Notes to self:

Withholding all food is not a healthy answer to losing weight and is also an unhealthy way to express "control" in ones life.

Life is not always going to be as it is; change is inevitable. The trick is to be active in the change and not reactive. Courage builds hope and vice versa.

Avoiding reality and feelings by using food will not get you anywhere but unhealthy and stuck. ED is a siren for temporary relief of an ongoing problem.

Challenges are part of life and not a response for being a bad person; bad things happen to good people every day.

You are a really good person and deserve a better way of living. ED lies, continually. DO NOT LISTEN!

 

[ms spock]

So I went back to comfort eating most of the day last week and I put on a couple of kilos. I am not so worried about that. I can lose it again. I definitely don't want to keep putting on weight but that is not my focus.

I am really trying to not comfort eat today. It has been hard. I am doing it. I was very overwhelmed by betrayal of my husband's cousin, doing a new day of work at another school, and a three day intensive course. I did comfort eat and overeat. I am not doing it to previous levels though, so it is still improvement.

I need to work on some grounding skills and better management strategies. I did exercise on Wednesday morning and I went for a cup of green tea this morning.

I have cracked my mouth guard splint from my teeth grinding three weeks ago and I thought I had an ear infection but it is referred pain from my TMJ. So body is not doing well.

But overall I am slowly improving. I am 5 kilos over the top range of my BMI but that is much better than 15 kilos or 20 kilos. I will get to the point where I don't slip back so much to comfort eating. It was my way of dealing with the world most of my life so it is just another habit to replace/break/do less.

 

[ms spock]

Great to read you @VioletButterfly it is great that you are doing so many proactive things. I am also doing some proactive things.

Okay so I have done much better with not grazing/comfort eating today. So that is impressive given what is going on. I am improving. I am really improving. If I slip back it doesn't matter, I just restart, reset and get back to it. This is a huge improvement for me.

 

[VioletButterfly]

It was my way of dealing with the world most of my life so it is just another habit to replace/break/do less.

If I slip back it doesn't matter, I just restart, reset and get back to it. This is a huge improvement for me.

@Living in the 70s - These two statements represent major progress and are huge accomplishments! Well done you! :) VB

 

[VioletButterfly]

I'm feeling very challenged right now so ED behaviors are off the tracks, but I am aware of what I'm doing and what's driving what. I'm talking back to the ED mind and trying to use my wise mind. Keeping the faith right now.

 

[ms spock]

So I got a box of chocolates which is hard for me. I did eat a few of them last night. Then another 5/6 when I came home. Then I had a banana. I did really well at the dinner though. I didn't overeat. I ate moderately. I am really proud of myself. Another successful change in my eating.

 

[ms spock]

@Living in the 70s - These two statements represent major progress and are huge accomplishments! Well done you! :) VB

Thanks @VioletButterfly! I am really proud of myself. My efficacy around food is growing and growing.

 

[Friday]

They would get me to a doctor if it came to that.

To know... by the time most people are sent for medical treatment there is usually severe bone loss, moderate to severe organ damage, and imminent risk of death.

If someone is telling you to see a doctor? It’s about a year past when IF you’d seen a doctor your tests would come back showing already major damage to your system.

If it’s hard to wrap your head around? How many times have you seen someone with obviously high blood pressure & heart issues and said nothing? Most people mind their own business until someone is having a heart attack. If they survive it, then they get chapter and verse about diet etc..

Same is true with anorexia & starvation. The best time to treat it? Isn’t when you’re dying. It’s long before that.

 

[VioletButterfly]

I was looking for an ED forum just now as mine is down right now and I ran across an informational website on ED. It amazes me to consider how much of my life that has passed me by and how much has been lost while wandering around in the twisted maze of ED. To read the same distractor list that I did 13 years ago is disconcerting and kind of unknown/unrelatable at the same time. It's like I'm right back there and unable to connect at the same time. It seems so easy to just let go and become lost in the mist of time, but very hard to find my way back to "now." " Then" seems manageable now, I guess, and "now" just isn't. Too much has happened through the years that complicates and compounds original traumas. Maybe it was better to not know?

A lot of years of my life unconsciously following the direction of distorted thinking and core beliefs, and acting out accordingly. Patterns and destruction. Starting back at basics again. Who am I underneath all of this baggage? If I'm not underneath it, but instead am riddled with it, what parts of me are closet to who God tells me I am? The gentle, creative and kind spirit that is His child? Who do I want to be? What do I need? What is important to me? What is the truth?

Trying to traverse the wasteland of trauma and ED induced wreckage feels like I'm being physically raked over by a thousand sharpened knives again and again, and my soul feels like it's continually being seared by a very long, hot spear. Just so painful. Getting up again and again is so much harder these days.

A lot of thinking, feeling, writing, and prayer going on this morning I guess. Unpacking my mind a little. Practicing over and again - breathe, accept, be kind, be compassionate, and be patient. Trying to make space for hope, faith, belief, and courage.

 

[ms spock]

I lost it yesterday after doing some good decent submission writing for 4 or 5 hours and spent the day comfort eating frozen berries, yoghurt, frozen mango, and some jatz biscuits. You know I think I was terribly exhausted. I went to watch some TV for a break and fell asleep at 12.30pm and then slept until 6pmish, and then still went to bed early. I was just exhausted. I was totally worn out. I did get up and start working on my submission writing really early yesterday. I just was exhausted. I did so much this last week. I have been really pushing myself right out of all my comfort zones this last week.

I did some Mindfulness with Jon Kabat-Zinn this morning and my angry and frustration about my relationship and how lonely it is came up so I told my partner about that.