Self Harm Feedback

[Sideways]

So, this is the second year that I haven’t been hospitalised over the xmas-new year period. I have 2 trauma anniversaries on top of the family stressors. I don’t handle it well.

PRN isn’t really doing as much as it needs to, and I’ve started SHing (for the first time in over 6 months-ish).

I’d like some reassurance that it’s okay, if it gets me through, so long as it doesn’t get too out of control.

I have an appointment with my T on the 27th. I will try and tell her, but I may not be able to (shame issues).

So, as long as it doesn’t get too dangerous, it’s okay as an interim coping strategy, right?

 

[frogthroat]

So, as long as it doesn’t get too dangerous, it’s okay as an interim coping strategy, right?

No, but this is me talking to you. Anybody saying "self harm is bad" never stopped me from slicing my thighs to shreds at 3 AM during periods of high distress.
It's a terrible coping mechanism. You know that. I know that but being hospitalized is terrible. The question is do you think you could really seriously injure yourself? Are you one of those people that keep self harming once they start and have trouble stopping? If not then you know where to draw the line.
It's great that you haven't had to be hospitalized. Being hospitalized in itself is triggering and the holidays are stressful enough without trauma anniversaries.
Sometimes, you have to cut yourself a break and do what helps you survive. Once you're in a better place you can gather yourself and come up with some better plans of action.
Sometimes, life is just living 5 minutes to next 5 minutes. It's really hard but you've accomplished a ton just by not going inpatient for your 2nd year in a row. Even though your current coping strategy may not be the best you're aware of that so you already know what to expect next year. That sounds like progress to me.

 

[Ronin]

Okay, it isn’t.
Better than death? Sure. Better than irreversible self mutilation? Sure.

Is there anything else you might do that would keep you safe, and out of being overwhelmed?

While we are at it: You do come first, so if family fill the stress so hard, it is okay to bow out of the drama and not attend. For your health’s sake.

 

[Sideways]

So, my SH is online bdsm stuff, rather than cutting. So, I’m careful about injury and infection, but scarring or over-cutting aren’t a problem. Which is something.

You do come first, so if family fill the stress so hard, it is okay to bow out of the drama and not attend.

I’ve decided not to attend the family lunch this year. I’m picking up my grandfolks from their retirement village and dropping them off at the lunch so that they can go, but I’m going home after that.

 

[Ronin]

my SH is online bdsm stuff

Been wondering if it is possible to reframe with it (but also thinking if you are already stressed out, that is not much conductive to making new associations, or lighter associations, on its own.)

Such as, that the same things would not represent your trauma, and be trauma re enactments, more like you looking for how to see the things in a different light, if you are going to engage the topic(s) anyway? (Or, putting the safe and sane and consentual, if not fun yet, back to the whole thing. :) )

 

[Abstract]

Hi Sideways. So we don't misunderstand here is this about cutting or something similar or is it about other types of behaviours that could be putting you in harms way. Its very relevant to peoples answers. I am really glad you arent needing hospital but concerned about this for you. You dont deserve any shame whatsover. The shame lies with those who harmed you.

 

[bellbird]

I have an appointment with my T on the 27th. I will try and tell her, but I may not be able to (shame issues).

Do you think you could show your T this post, if you're not able to say the words?

I've done that before with things I was to afraid/ashamed to say.
She won't be mad at you.

But if your PRN isn't working like it should, I think it's important that it is reassessed. Particularly with trauma anniversaries around.

 

[Sideways]

@Abstract - it’s not cutting. It’s a bdsm dom/sub online thing... I actually don’t know if that’s better/worse?

@bellbird - I will probably tell my T that I’ve used this forum for support, but if I tell her anything it will just be something like “I’ve been doing a bit of SH stuff again”. Going over the details with her - I doubt I’d make it to the appt if I thought that was in store.

 

[bellbird]

but if I tell her anything it will just be something like “I’ve been doing a bit of SH stuff again”. Going over the details with her - I doubt I’d make it to the appt if I thought that was in store.

Understand. That's a great start though.

 

[Abstract]

I actually don’t know if that’s better/worse

Hi Sideways. I remember. I was concerned it was the case. Hmm. its hard to compare as its not a compare appropriate thing. But. This is very very very very serious. No shame whatsever is deserved and you only deserve compassion understanding and support. It isnt the same as cutting because 1. you are definitely retraumatising yourself. 2 are putting yourself in harms way that is not dependant on you. Its not something you can stop. 3. It can potentially mean way more serious things happen than could happen if you were cutting (for example)
You deserve kindness safety and you do NOT deserve treatment like this. Its just a habit the brain doesn't quite know what to do with. Think of it this way. Going against the pull of something is sometimes exactly how we know its the right thing to do. You can accept and be kind to yourself about feeling like this but set kind good parent boundaries with yourself that you will hang in there.
What can you or we do right now to help you through this.
Didn't you have a contract with your t about this? What were you to do when in this situation?
You have been successful dealing with this before and you were happy after that you were. Keep fighting. More just leads to more. It doesnt bring peace.

Thats a very good start.

“I’ve been doing a bit of SH stuff again

 

[Sideways]

@Abstract - I had a really detailed contract with my last T about it, but not with my current one. Thank you so much for what you’ve written. I think I can take some valium and maybe just let myself sleep for an hour, then maybe re-read this thread before deciding whether I do the afternoon tasks. I think maybe that’s a start - take it in little steps

 

[Abstract]

@Abstract - I had a really detailed contract with my last T about it, but not with my current one. Thank you so much for what you’ve written. I think I can take some valium and maybe just let myself sleep for an hour, then maybe re-read this thread before deciding whether I do the afternoon tasks. I think maybe that’s a start - take it in little steps

Small steps are always a good start I find. Its truly amazing what we can achieve with them. You truly deserve kind compassion and respect. You work really hard and you don't need retraumatisation. Maybe see if you can leave this afternoon until you can think this through more thoroughly? Try to concentrat on lots of self care. I find that sometimes breaks through the awful pull of things that are harmful.
I do believe your t needs to do a serious contract with you considering the seriousness of this. This is no small matter. Hope you are liking her ?
Maybe use this thread as accountability. You post here before doing anything harmful.