I’m only worth sex

[EveHarrington]

Some of my earliest memories are of the abuse, so I was sexualized at a very young age, hence where this core belief comes from...

My guy (almost) constantly tells me wonderful things about myself.....the problem is that I don’t believe him because I think my only value is in sex.

(As I write this I’m bawling my eyes out.)

He gets frustrated that I don’t believe him. I don’t think he understands that this belief goes back so far and is ingrained in my mind so deeply, that it’s not so easy to believe him, even though he doesn’t lie to me about stuff like this.

This issue is deeper than I imagined...

Sex and being sexual is how I get people to like me....and as a straight person, it follows that most of my friends in the past have been male. Sexual banter, flirty-flirty, you know how it goes. Of course my guy friends were all single.....as soon as they’d partner up, that boundary line made one heckuva move and the friendship wasn’t so fun anymore.

Female friends? How in the world would I EVER get another female to like me as a friend?!? I had no clue so I usually don’t even try.

Ok so moving on to other relationships...

I realize the whole “I am not or can not be sexual with you so why would you like me...?!?!?” thing carries over to other relationships too. Because again, if I can’t or won’t be sexual with someone, there’s no reason for them to like me, right?

My brother and I have been fighting for a year and a half. Yes, it’s 100% my fault, but I don’t apologize because I think there’s no reason for him to like me.

I think my sister has no reason to like me either, but hello, this belief flies in the face of reason...she is paying for my flight to Florida next week so I can help take care of my nephew while my brother in law is out of town on business.

And then bad stuff goes down between me and my guy, and my mind goes to “be physical and it will make the bad stuff go away because that’s how you get People to like you” Which, of course, blew up in my face.

I hate this belief. I want to be able to value myself for more than what I can do sexually or as a sexual object.

I just....I just don’t know how to start making that change.

Please help?

 

[Kubash16]

I don’t know how to help. But I wanted to say I get it. I remember very little before abuse and was used as a toy pretty much and had no other value besides sex and being used as a pawn to hurt other people. I’m not far enough in my journey yet to even begin to touch that core. But I get it.

 

[ILoveLife]

Baby steps in combat boots.

Acknowledging is good, but what can you do to change this?

I have the same problem, and I'm starting to see that somehow people like me even if I don't make any effort for that to happen. So, that helps with realizing that maybe it's not sexual.

Maybe start by apologizing to your brother and see where that leads you?
Gotta start somewhere.

 

[Teamwork]

Think about separating you are sexual to you are loveable. Maybe sit with your partner and draw up a list of the ways you are loveable just on merit of being you. It is a difficult piece of work. But might steer you in the direction of I am loveable, instead of I am not loveable so I must do this, or be this. When you say to yourself I am loveable it challenges the I am not loveable outside of sex belief. But there is more to it than that.

 

[Rumors]

Some of my earliest memories are of the abuse, so I was sexualized at a very young age, hence where this core belief comes from...

My guy (almost) constantly tells me wonderful things about myself.....the problem is that I don’t believe him because I think my only value is in sex.

(As I write this I’m bawling my eyes out.)

He gets frustrated that I don’t believe him. I don’t think he understands that this belief goes back so far and is ingrained in my mind so deeply, that it’s not so easy to believe him, even though he doesn’t lie to me about stuff like this.

This issue is deeper than I imagined...

Sex and being sexual is how I get people to like me....and as a straight person, it follows that most of my friends in the past have been male. Sexual banter, flirty-flirty, you know how it goes. Of course my guy friends were all single.....as soon as they’d partner up, that boundary line made one heckuva move and the friendship wasn’t so fun anymore.

Female friends? How in the world would I EVER get another female to like me as a friend?!? I had no clue so I usually don’t even try.

Ok so moving on to other relationships...

I realize the whole “I am not or can not be sexual with you so why would you like me...?!?!?” thing carries over to other relationships too. Because again, if I can’t or won’t be sexual with someone, there’s no reason for them to like me, right?

My brother and I have been fighting for a year and a half. Yes, it’s 100% my fault, but I don’t apologize because I think there’s no reason for him to like me.

I think my sister has no reason to like me either, but hello, this belief flies in the face of reason...she is paying for my flight to Florida next week so I can help take care of my nephew while my brother in law is out of town on business.

And then bad stuff goes down between me and my guy, and my mind goes to “be physical and it will make the bad stuff go away because that’s how you get People to like you” Which, of course, blew up in my face.

I hate this belief. I want to be able to value myself for more than what I can do sexually or as a sexual object.

I just....I just don’t know how to start making that change.

Please help?

I can relate. I am almost 50 and just in the last few years have I gotten female friends. As well, my job is basically with men. I never saw myself as smart and competent or equal but instead the bosses daughter or bosses wife even though they weren't around and I was doing the substantial amount of the work. I flirted my way in to what I thought was respect with these men but in reality they never respected me as their tone always included "honey" "sweetheart" and those types of replies. It's hard to see yourself as competent especially if you have a history of being sexualized at a young age. It was 4ish for me. I get it. Very sorry.

 

[PreciousChild]

Some of my earliest memories are of the abuse, so I was sexualized at a very young age, hence where this core belief comes from...

My guy (almost) constantly tells me wonderful things about myself.....the problem is that I don’t believe him because I think my only value is in sex.

(As I write this I’m bawling my eyes out.)

He gets frustrated that I don’t believe him. I don’t think he understands that this belief goes back so far and is ingrained in my mind so deeply, that it’s not so easy to believe him, even though he doesn’t lie to me about stuff like this.

This issue is deeper than I imagined...

Sex and being sexual is how I get people to like me....and as a straight person, it follows that most of my friends in the past have been male. Sexual banter, flirty-flirty, you know how it goes. Of course my guy friends were all single.....as soon as they’d partner up, that boundary line made one heckuva move and the friendship wasn’t so fun anymore.

Female friends? How in the world would I EVER get another female to like me as a friend?!? I had no clue so I usually don’t even try.

Ok so moving on to other relationships...

I realize the whole “I am not or can not be sexual with you so why would you like me...?!?!?” thing carries over to other relationships too. Because again, if I can’t or won’t be sexual with someone, there’s no reason for them to like me, right?

My brother and I have been fighting for a year and a half. Yes, it’s 100% my fault, but I don’t apologize because I think there’s no reason for him to like me.

I think my sister has no reason to like me either, but hello, this belief flies in the face of reason...she is paying for my flight to Florida next week so I can help take care of my nephew while my brother in law is out of town on business.

And then bad stuff goes down between me and my guy, and my mind goes to “be physical and it will make the bad stuff go away because that’s how you get People to like you” Which, of course, blew up in my face.

I hate this belief. I want to be able to value myself for more than what I can do sexually or as a sexual object.

I just....I just don’t know how to start making that change.

Please help?

Hi @EveHarrington. There are a lot of things I can relate to in what you're saying despite the fact that my ptsd does not come from sexual abuse (though in my older years, I had an incident or two that left me scarred). But for me, it comes from just generally being used by my parents for what they needed, and not focusing on what I needed from them. So instead of getting unconditional love and a sense that I'm valued just for being myself, I was raised to believe that I had to earn any sense of value by performing whatever tricks and deeds they needed me to do for me to feel at all worthy of taking up space. Sex is a part of that because it is something a man needs/desires from me that I know will earn me some level of approval (or so the thinking goes). It's also, therefore, something I can control and do something about instead of feeling hopelessly useless and rubbish. It is nearly impossible for me to compute that someone could pay me any mind at all without an agenda for me. Yet, when I'm talking to someone, a friend or an acquaintance, I value their opinion, enjoy their company, see them as worthy beings. I don't need them to gratify some need or fill a goal on my part to be accepted by me.

I've shared in other posts that I've done reparenting exercises that made me feel deeply and existentially what I think to be unconditional love and a genuine embrace of my whole being. I think I've come a long way since my childhood, teen and young adult years. But it's still a struggle. I think your boyfriend sounds amazing. Keep him and do your best to trust him. Random people that enter our lives can sometimes do harm, but can also bear gifts that change our entire lives.

 

[Wendell_R]

Even when there's a voice in your head that says you don't believe your boyfriend, you can echo back to him what he just said (active listening) so you can practice hearing in your own voice how you are valued and lovable apart from sex.

I write up affirmations on index cards. I color them in to make them pretty. And each morning, I find one that is right for the day. You could work with your boyfriend to take what he says and put these on cards for you to look at each morning.

 

[EveHarrington]

I’m here, reading, taking it all in.

Thank you all for your replies.

I saw my boyfriend today and I tried to be affectionate but he was distracted and so I felt rejected. I logically know he wasn’t rejecting me because he had been treating me wonderfully throughout the day. My brain just thinks “I’m being sexual with you and you don’t want it. WHY DONT YOU LIKE ME?!?!?”

?

 

[Wendell_R]

My brain just thinks “I’m being sexual with you and you don’t want it. WHY DONT YOU LIKE ME?!?!?”

Instead of battling it out with the sexual/nonsexual points of view, maybe you can start with a softer message to yourself. "My boyfriend likes me when I'm sexual and when I'm not sexual. Whether he is interested in sex doesn't seem to make much difference in how much he likes me." So, it's fine to be sexual. But sexuality is not a test, or a condition to be met.

 

[ILoveLife]

sexuality is not a test, or a condition to be met.

This is important!

Maybe embrancing we're sexual beings, and that others might not be in the same wavelenght all the time, can help us understand that it's not about us, just the different states people are at the same time.

Like, sometimes one is feeling cheery and cracks jokes while the other is having a work probem and doens't find them funny?

It might help.

 

[EveHarrington]

"My boyfriend likes me when I'm sexual and when I'm not sexual. Whether he is interested in sex doesn't seem to make much difference in how much he likes me."

Ehhh....if I stopped being sexual, I think he’d worry that something was majorly wrong!

 

[Wendell_R]

Ehhh....if I stopped being sexual, I think he’d worry that something was majorly wrong!

I see that's true in a big picture way, but is it true moment to moment? For what part of the day do you allow yourself to be nonsexual?