Only took 50 years to deal with my abuse.

[Still Standing]

I went to the gym this morning to work out, and I think I saw my new psychiatrist working out! Totally freaked me out, and I'm still not quite sure why...

I would react the same way. However, they will not acknowledge or seek you out in such a case...well, maybe a few will, but they respect boundaries and those boundaries are practiced in situations as you found yourself. It protects them and you from giving the impression that there is more to your professional relationship than there is. At least this is the understanding that I have.

I’m trying to just accept that everything is out of my control and it’s ok. It just feels the more I deal with the abuse, the more confused, lost and overwhelming it all seems.

I wish I had the ability to just go somewhere and deal with this 24/7, because there are times I feel like I’m sinking under all of this.

But of course I’ll go to work and pay the bills, and try to pretend everything is fine like I’ve done my whole life. Its never been about my needs, it’s always been about looking “normal” and not standing out. ?

I have said this same thing. Just put me in a room with the psych doc and let's get this all over with. An hour (or more correctly, 45 minute) is just too short. And acting as if nothing is wrong is how common. I'd rather look normal even though there is a war going on inside of me rather than looking like a crazy woman who is exhibiting that war to the world! It how we have survived, isn't it. Now that we are in counseling that war is having to come out in a controlled manner and it is still scary and painful. The only reason we keep going forward is that there is hope for a better day, leaving us to be able to enjoy life more and be less influenced by past traumas. You are expressing common reactions and thoughts as most of us who walk this PTSD path with you.

 

[PTSDGuy]

I would react the same way. However, they will not acknowledge or seek you out in such a case...well, maybe a few will, but they respect boundaries and those boundaries are practiced in situations as you found yourself. It protects them and you from giving the impression that there is more to your professional relationship than there is. At least this is the understanding that I have.

I keep telling myself that... Luckily, I can discuss it with EMDR T this afternoon, or my normal T on Thursday... I think part of it is that I only met the psychiatrist once, and she knows everything about me - I signed a form to let my T and her share all his info... Which is a good thing, but it freaks me out. Maybe in a couple of years I'll finally trust her. ?

I have said this same thing. Just put me in a room with the psych doc and let's get this all over with. An hour (or more correctly, 45 minute) is just too short. And acting as if nothing is wrong is how common. I'd rather look normal even though there is a war going on inside of me rather than looking like a crazy woman who is exhibiting that war to the world! It how we have survived, isn't it. Now that we are in counseling that war is having to come out in a controlled manner and it is still scary and painful. The only reason we keep going forward is that there is hope for a better day, leaving us to be able to enjoy life more and be less influenced by past traumas. You are expressing common reactions and thoughts as most of us who walk this PTSD path with you.

Exactly! That's why this place is so important to me - I can feel totally confused about what i'm feeling, and people here get it.

I sure hope that some day I'll be on an even keel - Michael Douglas on the TV program The Kominsky Project says he feels like if he was a boat, it would be slowly sinking... and Alan Arkin says he feels more like the Titanic pointing straight up before it sinks... I feel like Alan Arkin a lot lately... Until I read what people on here write, and then my boat starts to right itself... ?

 

[Still Standing]

I read what people on here write, and then my boat starts to right itself... ?

Yeah! This place is one whole brigade of boats, in various stages of rising above the waves. You have just added your boat amongst ours. If yours starts to sink, there will be others who will surround you and keep you upright and dry. And it is nice to know that you can ride in the wake of another who is floating quite well at the moment. I think we all get distracted by our own pain and frustrations to the point that we think we are alone in all this. So, it is nice to know we have others who will come along side of us and encourage us on. Sail on, PTSDGuy! You are sailing in the right direction! And I hope your EMDR goes well, tomorrow. That is another animal all unto itself. But, it works, I can attest to that.

 

[TTC18]

I think we all get distracted by our own pain and frustrations to the point that we think we are alone in all this.

OMG this is so true.

 

[PTSDGuy]

Yeah! This place is one whole brigade of boats, in various stages of rising above the waves. You have just added your boat amongst ours. If yours starts to sink, there will be others who will surround you and keep you upright and dry. And it is nice to know that you can ride in the wake of another who is floating quite well at the moment. I think we all get distracted by our own pain and frustrations to the point that we think we are alone in all this. So, it is nice to know we have others who will come along side of us and encourage us on. Sail on, PTSDGuy! You are sailing in the right direction! And I hope your EMDR goes well, tomorrow. That is another animal all unto itself. But, it works, I can attest to that.

Exactly. There are all kinds of people on here who seem to be floating along fine. (OK, compared to me there are a lot that seem to be...) I guess as long as I'm still kind of floating, then I'm going in the right direction... (Why did I start the whole boat metaphor?)

I've only just done one real session of EMDR so far... We've spent a lot of time on how to handle things that come up... which is good, but I want it all done yesterday! But hearing it works for you gives me hope, @Still Standing. My normal therapist keeps telling me it will be really helpful... I have the feeling maybe it'll be good eventually...

 

[Still Standing]

My normal therapist keeps telling me it will be really helpful... I have the feeling maybe it'll be good eventually...

I will tell you going into it it seems so strange to have one foot in your trauma and the other in the here-and-now, as you are in an EMDR session. At first I tried to control the way my mind would switch from one scene to another. And then the next set it would throw words and emotions at me. I would get so frustrated trying to keep it in a logical order. When I finally just let my mind to what it wanted to do, I was able to process a trauma. So, my encouragement to you is just let you mind do its thing. Don't fight to make it make sense at the moment. It will eventually lead you where you need to go. It is hard work.

Yeah, I couldn't resist keeping my last post to you in the character of the boats. But, I did forget to tell you not to forget your lifejacket! You may find yourself treading water if a big enough wave sweeps you overboard for a short time! ?

 

[PTSDGuy]

I will tell you going into it it seems so strange to have one foot in your trauma and the other in the here-and-now, as you are in an EMDR session. At first I tried to control the way my mind would switch from one scene to another. And then the next set it would throw words and emotions at me. I would get so frustrated trying to keep it in a logical order. When I finally just let my mind to what it wanted to do, I was able to process a trauma. So, my encouragement to you is just let you mind do its thing. Don't fight to make it make sense at the moment. It will eventually lead you where you need to go. It is hard work.

I read your response about 10 minutes before my EMDR session... and tried to follow your example and not fight stuff... It definitely brought up stuff... and then, about three hours later, I remembered even more stuff... It really is doing a number on me... I'm exhausted... Gonna be an early night...

Oh, and @Still Standing , I didn't know I'd need the lifejacket already, but after the last few hours, I'll definitely pick one (or 2, or 3) up! ?

 

[Still Standing]

It definitely brought up stuff... and then, about three hours later, I remembered even more stuff... It really is doing a number on me... I'm exhausted...

Yeah and it's not because you are an OLD guy either. ??? Age has nothing to do with how exhausting EMDR is. (And I have you beat, I'm sure, in the age department.) And it just keeps on giving for a day or two afterward. Just keep in mind that, though upsetting, the angst will die down a bit, but it often takes some time to do so. What I have found helpful, because I will either minimize the after-reactions or simply forget them, I keep a running journal between therapy sessions. Then I have a hard copy to take with me to counseling and am able to refer to it and refresh my memory as to what happened emotionally or what came to mind afterward. Or you can use this on-line journal and take notes from it before you next see your therapist. And I find grousing and complaining seem to help relieve some of the stress, too...but only in my diary. I do not take my post-EMDR out on hubby or others. It is all held pretty close to the chest, except here, where it is safe to express whatever is bugging me. Welcome to the world of EMDR. You have now joined the club! :laugh:

 

[PTSDGuy]

What I have found helpful, because I will either minimize the after-reactions or simply forget them, I keep a running journal between therapy sessions.

That's exactly what I do every flashback... I forget everything right after I relive it, so I started writing stuff down as I'm remembering it since August... I've learned that I can type even when I'm sobbing so badly that I can't even see the keyboard...

Writing stuff down is the only way I can remember when each flashback is done... I instantly forget everything if I don't write it... and just checked, I've written down over 100 flashbacks since then. ? I send them to my T so I have no choice but to deal with them...

Welcome to the world of EMDR. You have now joined the club! :laugh:

After yesterday, I'm definitely in the club... I think I'm a bit better this morning, although I only managed to sleep about 4 hours last night... Yesterday was the first time we actually worked on my trauma... We've spent weeks and weeks working on safe places, and skills to use if the memories are too much... Thank God...

I didn't want to be a member of the EMDR Club, but I think I'm gonna be a member for a long time, unfortunately.

 

[bellbird]

I didn't want to be a member of the EMDR Club, but I think I'm gonna be a member for a long time, unfortunately

I'll be joining the club this year, too. And I'm sure I'll be a member for a long time as well, so at least I know the company is good :)

Hoping things have settled a bit since your last post.

 

[PTSDGuy]

I'll be joining the club this year, too. And I'm sure I'll be a member for a long time as well, so at least I know the company is good :)

Hoping things have settled a bit since your last post.

I feel like i do nothing on here except whine and moan constantly, but it seems like that's all my life has been since the flashbacks started. Every time I start to catch my breath, I have another flashback.

I whined at my T tonight that I want to go back to "when I didn't have flashbacks and this didn't affect me"... Needless to say, he sort of reminded me of all the ways it affected me my whole life. I hate that I have a therapist who knows as much about me as I know about me - or probably more than I know.

And tonight he told me that he had PTSD in the past... So he totally gets me, I guess....

Damn.... this is all getting too emotional for me right now... Time to stop and try to relax.

 

[bellbird]

I feel like i do nothing on here except whine and moan constantly, but it seems like that's all my life has been since the flashbacks started. Every time I start to catch my breath, I have another flashback.

Flashbacks are awful.
This is your space, remember? If that's how you need to use it at the moment, then that's perfectly fine :hug:

I hate that I have a therapist who knows as much about me as I know about me - or probably more than I know.

Difficult hearing hard-truths, but probably quite helpful overall that he 'gets' you.

Damn.... this is all getting too emotional for me right now... Time to stop and try to relax.

Sounds like a very good idea.
Do you have any go-to strategies for relaxation and self care?