Attachment to/Transference with Therapist

[Deleted member 47099]

Yeah.

 

[ILoveLife]

I thought transference is applying your feelings onto the therapist.

If you expect to learn how to be loved and appreciated from your therapist.

expecting to learn how to have a good relationship.

Read above.

 

[Deleted member 47099]

I disagree with that. Sorry.

 

[ILoveLife]

Sure. Your perrogative, doesn't make either of us right.

 

[Deleted member 47099]

Yup.

 

[Kubash16]

So. . . Feeling good about receiving a compliment = expecting to learn how to be loved by someone unavailable= really bad like FOO taught me.

So I should be cold about it and not create a safe human connection with someone who has the tools and boundaries to make it safe?

A “relationship” is simply two entities communicating in some kind of fashion. Not necessarily a love thing. The thought of T actually loving me would have me hightailing it the other way and makes me nauseous because something went seriously wrong.

I do think there are different definitions of love. I do think (maybe not in my case and I’m fine with that) that some therapists do love their clients in a human to human way. Not necessarily romantic or even familial.

What happened was this: over the past several months of building a “relationship” with him, I hit a low point. This low point has a sh*t ton of factors in it. One of the factors was after the nightmare about him raping me he mentioned possibly moving to a different T. My brain took off with that and coupled with many, many other things I spiraled into some serious abandonment issues that really have nothing to do with him. But I applied them to him. With everything going on I attempted. Not strictly because of him. The day after I emailed him about it. I didn’t get an answer and I had no idea how much that lack of answer would affect me. I’m used to him not answering emails, we are designed that way with the expectation that he is definitely not available all the time. The silence made my abandonment issues come way out to the forefront. I finally emailed him again, pretty much raging at him that of all emails, that’s the one that should have been answered. He responded, apologetic. Then those feelings transferred onto this forum a bit until Chrissy and Sophy talked me through. These are super common feelings in all “relationships” I have had.

My original question was had anyone had to work through strong transference like this? Because the anger and hurt is extremely intense, but it’s not him and I know that. It’s just directed at him right now. He wants to start working through it on our next session, I don’t know what to expect and would like to hear others experience on it.

Him and I working through transference that I have a history of seems like learning a healthy relationship to me, so I’m genuinely confused. I’m not trying to be difficult.

 

[Deleted member 47099]

I have experienced getting tangled up like that in therapy, yeah, and things getting confusing and painful.

If both people, the client and the therapist truly want to resolve it and are doing their best and trying hard, and if both have a positive approach to it, then yes, I think it can definitely be resolved.

And the relief once it's resolved is profound. And can really actually *improve* the relationship, because you both went through something really tough together and by working together you fixed it. That can be a huge achievement and actually help to trust each other more and to do even better work together.

 

[ILoveLife]

would like to hear others experience on it.

Ok.
I spent 4 years with my second therapist. I still consider him my first therapist and have a love-hate ambiguity to this day with that period of my life.

I went to therapy because my dad had just passed away and I wanted to deal with my issues concerning that. Not to treat trauma exactly, I was in denial and pretty much dissociated all the time.
Thing was, it was during my string of abusive relationships, and the therapist didn't protect me (in my view). He did give me the tools, but I didn't do anything with them. I expected his "love and support" to be enough to model my relationships, it didn't work that way.

I became increasingly angry with therapy, he was even doing the job pro-bono because I was struggling with money. But I started to think he wanted to take advantage of me, to put ideas in my head, it became really unhealthy.

After more than 2 years, I started my relationship with R. R didn't want me to do therapy and fought tooth and nails for me to quit it.
I started begging my therapist for the support I thought I deserved and he kept putting boundaries. I felt abandoned and eventually quit therapy with him.

He put the responsibility on me to end my relationship with R and I became genuinely convinced I couldn't and that my T should support me unconditionally, because that's what parents do. I even started slipping subconsciously the word "dad" when talking to him. It was shitshow.

Nowadays, I do see the benefit from that therapy. But it was a shitshow.
Exactly because I expected what we're talking about here.

I just think, if you're noticing these things now, don't allow it to move further. Talk to him, hear what he has to say about it. Therapeutic issues are solved within therapy.

I'm out of this thread now

 

[Kubash16]

I have experienced getting tangled up like that in therapy, yeah, and things getting confusing and painful.

If both people, the client and the therapist truly want to resolve it and are doing their best and trying hard, and if both have a positive approach to it, then yes, I think it can definitely be resolved.

And the relief once it's resolved is profound. And can really actually *improve* the relationship, because you both went through something really tough together and by working together you fixed it. That can be a huge achievement and actually help to trust each other more and to do even better work together.

Thank you for this. :hug:

 

[Deleted member 47099]

Kubash, I think it's great that you have insight into your feelings of anger/ disappointment at your T... And that they are based on old feelings of rejection, etc.

I think the clients that T's "worry about" are the ones that aren't even aware of it.

 

[Deleted member 47099]

Exactly because I expected what we're talking about here.

I don't think that's a fair comparison.

 

[Kubash16]

Thank you @Sophy. I’m genuinely trying my hardest to gain insight into myself and how I act in relation to other people. I do try to stay aware.

I am sorry you had that experience Sietz.

I can’t even imagine T as a parent to me. Again, feels incredibly wrong. He’s too young as it is.