Victim-Perpetrator Dynamic - Need advice

[Friday]

I don’t have a lot of time right this second but wanted to hit this part

Yes...I do come back with the same old topic. No need to tell me that, I know!

You’re workin on it. Learning, turning it over, looking at different aspects, applying things in your life, working on it some more, asking advice, looking at different perspectives, sorting things out... that’s not a bad thing. That’s real concentrated effort.

 

[Rani G2]

Thank you @Friday.. if you have any good philosophies.. Do let me know. Even if they are just books/philosophers/ authors.. ;-) Regarding this topic.

 

[Mach123]

Haha. I always look forward to your posts to see how much like me you are. I just wrote in another thread same topic. Sex makes me all better. I guess I feel like "that person f*cked me over but I had sex so." So what IDK but whatever they did seems like it's not important anymore. My wife looked at me once long time ago and said "I can't fuk you and make it all better." I was like you can't? That's what you think.
So I get either a dominance or submission out of it that over rides the humiliation and I don't care which one it is it works. It's not always ugly either not that I think sex is ugly it's like "someone loves me so I don't care." Loves me that much I mean.
I know about "grinding" which is what I used to call replaying that shit in my head. I'm sorry. I hope I feel better soon. If I could I'd go beat them up for you lol.

 

[grit]

I am happy for you to hear you have the ability to control or better word is regulate your reaction during an incident. Where you suffer is afterwards ruminating how you could have fought and won. If I get your point right. That part that is crying out to fight back and won is you as a child... The part that bit her tongue was much stronger and the adult if you. This strong part needs to come to the rescue of that younger part... And soothe and listen.

Do you do meditation!

I used to be ruminate and thought for the longest time this was normal. It truly destroys stomach lining.
I read a book cannt remember the full name but something about tethering the soul. One thing I took from it was a question he asks:
Something like who are you in your head.. The one who talks or the one who listens?
My life changed when I realized I was the listener because it calmed me down to listen with empathy as I would a child.

 

[Rani G2]

know about "grinding" which is what I used to call replaying that shit in my head. I'm sorry. I hope I feel better soon.

@Mach123 thanks for supporting! Yes!!! I hope we will see progress soon!

 

[Rani G2]

Where you suffer is afterwards ruminating how you could have fought and won. If I get your point right. That part that is crying out to fight back and won is you as a child... The part that bit her tongue was much stronger and the adult if you. This strong part needs to come to the rescue of that younger part... And soothe and listen.

I find thìs really helpful @grit! if you Do remember the title of the book please let me know. Thanks

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It wasnt easy to deal with the emotions surfacing. Narc voice ( Daria) Shame, Fear, not wanting to live in this country. Grief waves hitting me! I went to the Gym.. not feeling OK, and I had a 1 1/2 hr training. I asked the trainer if I could use the punching ball which was in the basement.
Almost crying while coming back home and I messaged my T if we could talk tomorrow, something I have never done before! I havent asked my T if we could have any extra session, because that again could be weakness. Which is not.

I will get through..

 

[Rani G2]

home and I messaged my T if we could talk tomorrow, something I have never done before!

My T said she would call..she didnt... hmm well .. back to self-coping

 

[Abstract]

I know I sound too dramatic, this being a very small incident.

But in my experience the smaller incidents are very helpful to look at as its easier to see that my reactions arn't in sync with what I want or are affecting me. And it isn't small as this is about bigger badder stuff from your past, in truth. You don't sound dramatic to me.

I think you are doing an excellent job prising it apart. My patterns are different to yours but I too struggle with power dynamics and people with agendas. For some reason especially in the work place. Maybe there is less choice there about who we interact with and what that interaction looks like.

How much do you trust you to look after yourself if you really need to do so. Are you able to realise the present is very different from the past.

If you look at the four F's can you appreciate the potential of all of them in the right situation? In past when dealing with trauma then did you stay in anger/fight most of the time? No pressure to answer.

 

[Mach123]

My T said she would call..she didnt... hmm well .. back to self-coping

Ouch! That would have been cause or grounds for me not long ago and maybe still. But I'm better. It's just little things.

What if I drove and hour and a half or so to my appointment and she wasn't there? I realised this week I'd say "oh well." Hang around the neighbourhood and go in the shops and stuff. I have till later in the afternoon to be somewhere on therapy day. I wouldn't take it as a personal (attack?)

My wife would say "don't take it personally." I didn't know what that meant. I only pictured in my head what I thought that felt like.

Now I could actually think it's not the end of the world. Not a betrayal. Just b sure it never happens again.

 

[Rani G2]

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[Rani G2]

But in my experience the smaller incidents are very helpful to look at as its easier to see that

Trying... someone said to me, see these incidents as chances to work on it. This again I feel is an attempt to make a situation tolerable. This is my own interpretation of it, but for me it seems to be like corrective action. Maybe I am still finding myself in a delicate balancing act, differentiating between of how much of my own personal meaning I attach to a situation and how much of it is influenced through Trauma. I am critical of over pathologizing/individualization of one’s own reactions, because we react in the best way we can, it’s an interplay/reaction. That doesn’t mean I take no responsibility. I think I am running off topic here...
Anyway, this is not about the other, how Do I handle the aftermath? Understand different perspectives.

Maybe there is less choice t

Yes!

How much do you trust you to look after yourself if you really need to do so.

I have to think about this... if I answer now, I feel I am not being honest..
Thanks @Abstract

 

[Rani G2]

I will use this thread for myself to keep an eye on this topic. I woke up again feeling anxious that I someone is out there to „get“me. Who? Ghosts... someone who will be the perpetrator and make me kneel down to ask for mercy. There is a part of me that thinks that the abuser was right. He was in power, he is stronger. I am the one who is weak, who is worthless, who should ask for mercy. This is when I again feel I need to vomit. This child is full of fear to the point that she becomes suicidal..