Lots of crying, not much smiling

[b.matt]

So ... I've been exactly there. Before either I or my wife realized that my complete sexual shutdown was trauma-related, we went to see a sex therapist. He told me exactly what your therapist is telling you now, that I just had to change my thinking and get treated for depression.

And here's where it got me: noplace. It didn't help and I was left much worse off than before I started to see that quack.

You need a trauma therapist. A woman trauma therapist. Someone who believes you. Someone who will talk about your sexual issues. In other words, the opposite of what you have now.

Okay. The ice is breaking up a bit. Again, there is so much validation in seeing someone write that they've been where you are. I needed to hear this. Thank you.

You say he's huge, and a man. Both of these things are reasons to switch. You could certainly switch to a small woman, and in fact it sounds like it would really help you.

Well, I have had a woman therapist before too. That is equally complicated. In either case (and I think it is because of the nature of the CSA being so intellectual, and not physically forced in my case) it is so easy for me to fall into the trap of needing to please. I do it without knowing it until a week, a month...even years later. I look back and realize that everything I said was because that's what I thought they wanted to hear.

Men seem to have this effect on me because I am afraid of something, and women have a completely opposite effect where I will feel like I'm 8 again and all I want is to have them holding me and coddling me like my mother used to do when I started having my PTSD symptoms the first time (of course we did not know that at the time). There's something else lurking there with women too...my second round of CSA was a brother and sister who were babysitters for my brother and I. (He is gone, by the way. Before his heart attack from probably too much drugs, he told my parents to let me know that he remembered some things too, and wanted to talk about that someday. That day will never come. Edit: I probably need to write about this. So even though it's a little bit of a side subject, I'll leave it in. I'm crying about it, and that's never happened before.) Anyway, the sister used to just take all my clothes off and then she would lay there and tell me things like "I'll just lay here and if you touch me that would be okay." It would go on from there.

I'm not reading that right now, so I hope it made sense.

Anyway, I guess I am not being fair about the male/female dynamic. I think it is going to come to my needing to learn to be true to myself...and that is really hard.

Thanks again SRG,
-Brian

 

[somerandomguy]

I am not being fair about the male/female dynamic

You are where you are. It's neither fair nor unfair - it's where you are.

The need to please a therapist is something a good trauma therapist will work on with you, even before you get into your trauma.

Being true to yourself is impossible if you don't know who "you" are. Again, a trauma therapist has the skills to help you figure this out.

Sorry if I'm being especially one-note. I'm just appalled by your current therapist. It's probably due to his similarity to my old therapist, who is #2 on the list of "Destructive Therapists I've Had."

 

[b.matt]

You are where you are. It's neither fair nor unfair - it's where you are.

The need to please a therapist is something a good trauma therapist will work on with you, even before you get into your trauma.

Being true to yourself is impossible if you don't know who "you" are. Again, a trauma therapist has the skills to help you figure this out.

Sorry if I'm being especially one-note. I'm just appalled by your current therapist. It's probably due to his similarity to my old therapist, who is #2 on the list of "Destructive Therapists I've Had."

I don't think he means to be destructive, but maybe it is. I will die thinking he has my best interest in mind, but I suppose that's part of all of this. I don't trust men I don't know, but once we've met and they've smiled at me then I trust them with my life.

Anyway, I made the call. I'm switching. I did talk about this a few minutes ago as well, in my intro post, so I'm not going to repeat...but thank you. It's the right thing to do, if for no other reason than the fact that all of these little things are going to bother me, and I wont be comfortable anymore no matter what.

In the call, we talked about two things you said here. Funny. One was how the first thing he recommended I do with my new therapist is to ask them to help me to be sure I'm not just pleasing her before we get into the trauma. The other, how can I know if I'm being genuine if I'm not all that sure who I even am.

I'm going to probably start another thread today or tomorrow about the T situation. I will definitely want to write it down, and it will definitely help to share.

Thank you so much.
-Brian