I just saw my mom grope my sister and I'm really triggered.

[Sweetleaf]

Edit: to clarify, my sister is 34 right now and this shit has been going on our entire lives.

I can barely even type this thread out right now but I just saw my mom grabbing my sister's ass and rubbing and suqeezing it, while my sister kept telling her to stop, and my mom dismissed or ignored every one of her protests just like my rapist/abuser, and just like she used to do to me. She did this to my sister for probably 5-7 minutes. I didnt watch the whole thing but I saw it start.

She used to do the exact same thing to me - the thing that I just witnessed. I don't know what the f*ck it is I'm feeling but I''m feeling something. There's detachedness, dissociation, while having tears well up in my eyes. When I began typing this (it's been probably 15-20 minutes since I started writing) I was anxious, but now I don't know what I'm feeling. I don't know how to describe it. Just. I dont know. Detached but triggered, thinking of how she used to do that to me, thinking of the shit I just witnessed.

Now I just heard someone come down the stairs - anxiety spike. Hope you don't mind that I'm writing like a narrative of what I am presently experiencing.

Quieting down, back into feeling blank but having eyes water

Anyway I want to just write this shit and get it out

She used to grab my butt and grope it - beyond just pinching it occasionally. Like she would grab it and squeeze it and play around with my buttcheeks - and I feel really gross and embarrassed admitting that. I always protested and hated it. I always told her to stop, tried to get her to stop (she only stopped after I spun around and punched her in the shoulder as hard as I could as a teenager when she was doing it.) I'm like physically recoiling right now just thinking about this stuff. High anxiety too, like the really unsafe feelings, like feeling like right now I am not safe at all.

f*ck.

Am I just a spaz or something? f*ck my brain is turning into mush I dont even know what to type. Hearing my mom is making me go into panic.

I'm also being triggered in regards to my adulthood trauma with a very abusive man. I'm having somatic flashbacks of anal rape, right now, it hurts, I feel the pain, jabs of pain, and pain that persists, stabs of pain, f*ck I can't even focus my eyes right now. I'm just going to stop.

I don't know what i'm asking for but input and help would be appreciated. Starting to cry hard now going to try to get the physical flashbacks to go away. I feel so ashamed writing all this shit out for people to see

 

[EveHarrington]

No, you’re not a spaz. In fact, there’s nothing wrong with not wanting to be groped, and not wanting to see others go through the kind of abuse that you did! Your reactions seem to be on par for someone who has been through years of this kind of abuse.

Your mom is abusive. Touching someone against their will and refusing to take no for an answer is definitely abuse. I’m sorry you have to live with this right now. :hug:

 

[blackemerald1]

Sweetleaf, not trying to minimize what is going on but for clarification - is your sister unable to push your mother away or step away from her?

 

[Sweetleaf]

Sweetleaf, not trying to minimize what is going on but for clarification - is your sister unable to push your mother away or step away from her?

Shes totally able to physically stop her, she is like 6 feet tall and my mom is short. But my sister just didnt do anything aside from verbally tell her to stop and complain about her doing it and not stopping. Also saying stuff like "what the f*ck!" and "what's wrong with you" "that's so gross" etc.

I was just really triggered by it.

I'm still reacting over it, but not as much as last night.

 

[Sandstone]

It's not about being physically able to stop it, but whether is is permissible. If the family is set up so that people are not allowed to own their bodies, then it can feel impossible to take control. That is what sets us up to be victims.

 

[somerandomguy]

How close are you to your sister? Can you talk to her about it?

 

[blackemerald1]

physically able to stop it,

This thread is not about the ability of the OP's sister to resist this assault.

I was only trying to ascertain some clarity about the nature of the assault. I made no other statements.

then it can feel impossible to take control.

Operative word here is feel. Doesn't mean control cannot be achieved.

@Sweetleaf have you discussed this with your sister and your mother? What is being done to change this behaviour? Maybe they don't want to change that particular behaviour? If they don't then Sweetleaf your option is to either remove yourself from the room when it is going on or tell them both that you don't want to be present when they do this.

ignored every one of her protests just like my rapist/abuser,

Are you saying that your mother's dismissal of her protests reminded you of your abuser?

(she only stopped after I spun around and punched her in the shoulder as hard as I could as a teenager when she was doing it.)

If this stopped your mother doing this to you, maybe you could discuss options your sister has? It doesn't have to be punching!

What I mean is you stopped being a victim. Can you focus on that and perhaps (if you have a good relationship) discuss this with your sister?

 

[EveHarrington]

Well, if I saw my abuser abusing someone else, I’d want to flip out too.

 

[blackemerald1]

I didn't suggest anyone should not feel flipped out. But, ultimately how far does that get anyone? It is detrimental to Sweetleaf's health. It's detrimental to anyone's health. 'Flipping out' is not a good thing to do or have happen.

Isn't finding a solution a good way to approach this?

Isn't acknowledging that the behaviour once, but now no longer perpetrated on Sweetleaf important?

More importantly Sweetleaf herself resolved this problem when it was happening to her. She set a boundary and apparently it hasn't been breached. That's real progress in my mind. :)

But now it seems some further consideration is required because the same behaviour is still happening but on someone else and I've no doubt that it would be very upsetting to sit by and watch. So Sweetleaf took action and exited herself. Good result in the short term but maybe there is a permanent solution?

What I am suggesting is finding a way of resolving this particular issue so Sweetleaf no longer has to flip out at home because of her mothers behaviour with her sister.

Sometimes we do have more control than we realise.

Sweetleaf is not powerless and I am encouraging her to recognise or acknowledge this. :) Surely the first step to resolving this?

Sweetleaf may not be able to control the behaviour of other's when they are interacting with each other voluntarily. But is this the case? Does her sister and her mother need some prompting to understand how upsetting and inappropriate this behaviour is? Exploring resolution isn't an impossibility is it?

Do they want to resolve this? If yes, discuss. If not, rather than flip out, (your term Eve) why not find another solution?

We can all sit passively by and be flipped out by other's behaviour. Fair enough, in a lot of circumstances we don't have control over what might upset us because we don't completely control our environment or the behaviour of other people.

Sometimes there is no control to be clawed back - I get that. Then 'flipping out' is probably going to happen unless we work hard on that particular trigger and even then with limited success. All granted.

But surely this situation isn't something to be passive about? There are possible remedies. Have these been explored?

Again, @Sweetleaf I'm not trying to minimize the impact or the behaviour. I'm looking for solutions. :)

 

[Sweetleaf]

How close are you to your sister? Can you talk to her about it?

@Sweetleaf have you discussed this with your sister and your mother?

I view my sister as a co-abuser, she abused me when I was a kid (physically, sexually, and psychologically), and is still verbally abusive at times. She is 5 years older than me, so while I was growing up she was always bigger than me (still is by a bit physically), and even though she was also a kid and also abused at the time, I still view her as an abuser.

She is pretty enmeshed with my mother, and she pretty much automatically sides with her over anything. They're attached at the hip, codependent, etc. According to both of my pdocs, they both have (very untreated) borderline personality disorder, which would make sense.

I dont think I would be able to have a dialog with either of them about it, nor do I want to. I don't think any dialog would be productive, I think it would be really triggering, and I think it would put my mom into one of her rages. It would spark up another no-win situation, where no matter how I approach it, it's just going to result in one of her rages, and she'll dismiss me and my concerns, try to make herself sound like the victim, etc etc etc.

Just trust me on this one: discussing this with them would be utterly futile and only make things worse on me. This isn't black-and-white thinking, this is my way of handling abusers (especially considering how unreasonable they are). Lay low and don't kick the hornet's nest.

I just need to get out of here and live somewhere else. But getting on disability takes a long time. I've been looking into housing options before then, too. Not much out there but, I'm working on it with the help of the clinic I go to for all my psych stuff.

Aside from moving out, there is nothing I can do about their behavior.

Are you saying that your mother's dismissal of her protests reminded you of your abuser?

Yes. It reminded me of how things went many times when I was raped by the abusive ex. He would just dismiss my protests, all of the ways I would say stop, or no, nonchalantly, like it was no big deal, whether I was struggling against him or not. I was just treated like a piece of property.

I hate that I have so many different abusers.

 

[Ronin]

there is nothing I can do about their behavior.

Okay, so what about your reactions to their behavior...
Is there anything that you can do to deal better with a situation like that repeating, or remove yourself somewhere safer at the hints of it approaching (if there is anything like it), or work out some plan to ground and comfort yourself after that would better suit your needs?

I gathered they are both adults, you had quite a history with both, which in my mind, unless you want responsibility for them, gives you none (just for how they treated you, still treat you / you should not be made to witness their violence). They can take care of their own damn business.

Edited to add: By better, I only mean in a way that would be more comforting you, NOT as a judgment on your actions or to imply you are not doing enough, are at fault, etc.

 

[Muttly]

I am sorry that was so triggering to you. It would trigger the poo out of me, and it's a reasonable response given your history. You are not responsible for their behavior and need to focus on taking care of yourself. What sort of things can you do to remind yourself that you are safe(er) now and to self-soothe?