Relationship Is he coming back?

[TruthSeeker]

So I have known him for almost 20 years. We started seeing each other in October. He has issues with labels. He officially asked me to be his girlfriend in March. He has been really great. We are long distance and I see him once a month for a week. He refuses phone calls and only speaks to me through text, email, or social media. He has cPTSD from domestic abuse in 2 previous relationships. He has tried therapy but says it doesn't work and is currently using CBD. Usually his anger and delusions center around his ex partners. Our last visit though, he started on me for the first time. I was able to redirect and calm him easily. We had a pleasant visit. On my way home, he texted that we were finished. Out of the blue. He was concerned we wouldn't see each other as often and said when he thought about it he lost all feelings for me immediately. He still wants to be friends. He blocked me on social media and I got really upset and he unblocked me. I told him I loved him and would give him space and he told me to quit manipulating him. I left it at I wouldn't contact him and he could contact me if he needed/wanted to because the anger directed at me and the fighting isn't healthy. He doesn't seem to want to cut ties with me and wants to fight no matter what. If I am nice, he gets upset because I am not hurt by the break up. If I express my hurt feelings, he gets really angry. I guess I am wondering do I keep hope that he is coming back? Or do I give up all hope? I am moving to be closer to him as we had planned. He is my best friend and I am crushed that we aren't talking.

I’d rethink your commitment to move closer. Sounds like that is the tip of the iceberg- be careful your move doesn’t cost you your sanity and make sure you keep spending quality time with close, trusting friends.

 

[LovingH]

I’d rethink your commitment to move closer. Sounds like that is the tip of the iceberg- be careful your move doesn’t cost you your sanity and make sure you keep spending quality time with close, trusting friends.

She's moving to deal with a sick family member. It just happens to be close to her bf.

 

[Freida]

No matter how logical these behaviors were in Iraq, logically there are no insurgents in my bathroom and never have been. The chance of them being there in the future is astronomical to nil.

And yet I KNOW...without a doubt..that there is someone waiting behind every closed door to shoot me. My brain knows it is stupid but my nervous system cant understand. It totally sucks. :(

 

[Sweetpea76]

That’s where we get the illogical. Just because something exists in one’s mind doesn’t mean it exists in reality.

I mean, isn’t that why the symptom is called “hyper-vigilance” instead of regular old “vigilance”.

 

[Fleabug]

I think I am going to give up all hope that he will be back. It's really all I have to go on right now. I just need to move on and realize that this destroyed a 20 year friendship. It's tragic and bittersweet. I don't know if I should even bother learning anything else about PTSD. Seems moot and only fuels my hope.

 

[LovingH]

And yet I KNOW...without a doubt..that there is someone waiting behind every closed door to shoot me. My brain knows it is stupid but my nervous system cant understand. It totally sucks. :(

Just like I KNOW every guy I date is trying to hook up w other women behind my back, and will abandon me as soon as things get tough. :(

While I was dating my ex, I was so proud of myself, cuz I used cognitive behavioral therapy techniques to battle those nagging thoughts. Like, if I was on FB and saw him on FB but not chatting w ME, my brain instantly went to "he's probably flirting w girls." So then I had to tell my brain STFU brain, you have no evidence he's been doing that.

It's CONSTANT.

And yeah does it get exhausting.

And then 6 months in, he gets cold and distant, and I can't figure out why. And then comes the night when he just totally ignored me. It's like I was skating on thin ice, and that just put me down into it. I couldn't control my brain at that point, so I broke it off. Harshly and suddenly.

 

[LovingH]

I think I am going to give up all hope that he will be back. It's really all I have to go on right now. I just need to move on and realize that this destroyed a 20 year friendship. It's tragic and bittersweet. I don't know if I should even bother learning anything else about PTSD. Seems moot and only fuels my hope.

I'm sorry. {hugs}

I bet he's really grappling with that. Does he really wanna blow up a 20 yr friendship? I mean, that's a LONG time, and good friends are hard to come by.

But yeah maybe you are better off, focusing on yourself for now. And if he DOES come back, then commit yourself to learning as much as you can about PTSD.

I will say it's very odd. I'm still sitting here, pining for my most recent ex..meanwhile I have THREE exes sliding into my DMs. One is a guy I dated 11 yrs ago!! He got married, had kids, and now he and his wife are going through a stagnant period where they decided they want to be poly LOL

So..I must not have been the most horrible gf, if three of my exes are trying to get with me at this point.

!!!!

 

[Fleabug]

I mean I guess he does want to blow up a 20 year friendship. It makes me hurt worse for him than myself. I don't know anymore. I am an extremely isolated person already, so I will just go back to that. I am completely and utterly heartbroken for both the friendship and relationship. I just can't keep going on hope. It feels delusional to say this person refuses all contact with me but they care.

 

[Hojay]

I totally feel what place you’re in right now, fleabug. And honestly, I don’t think it’s a totally unhealthy one. It sounds like acceptance, as painful as it is, and knowing your limits.

I can also empathize with feeling like some of the things talked about around this forum can make you feel too hopeful, delusionally hopeful. Because there is no evidence that he’s “merely” isolating, there’s no evidence that he’s “all torn up” about anything. The heart wants to believe those things and hang on to hope, but that can be a horribly painful place to be.

Others get broken up with, ghosted, disappeared on, accused of stuff, are made to feel crazy, etc. but they don’t have a place like this to go look for explanations (excuses, in my mind,) so they are forced to accept and move on. To me, that seems easier, because it’s basing a decision to move on on the behavior displayed, not on a myriad of reasons and explanations and symptoms and trauma histories and and and. Just the cold facts. If you look at the cold facts, it boils down to some pretty shoddy behavior not worth your time and energy.

You don’t have to go into isolation. Don’t let this experience break you, let it break you open. It wasn’t your fault.

 

[Justmehere]

This might be a little bit about the term “illogical” being used in different ways and having a bit of baggage as a term to most people who get called illogical.

As we all know, “illogical” generally means lacking sense or reason. When used with mental health, it tends to connote a disconnect from reality. Absurdity. I tend to picture the person down the street babbling about wearing green socks because unicorns are at the grocery store.

It tends to strike many sufferers as an invalidating to be called illogical. Part of what makes it so hard to stop PTSD fueled behaviors in the face of new experiences is that at one point, it was perfectly logical and make good sense.

It is a valid viewpoint of supporters though that PTSD behaviors and symptoms are partly lacking in logic.

I mean, I have PTSD, and yet I’ve been in a position of being with a sufferer acting like something is terrifying when the current reality is that all is safe, and thought it was lacking in reasoning.

I’m also not saying that just because the behavior made sense for surviving trauma the supporter should just tolerate someone engaging that behavior now or that it isn’t out of place for the here-and-now. A critical part of recovering from trauma is recognizing the past threat is over, correcting cognitive distortions, taking responsibility for managing symptoms now, etc. I’m only trying to explain that while behaviors are not accurate for the here and now, they were learned behaviors that made sense and fit in the past.

If every time someone rings a bell a dog gets treat, is it illogical that the dog continues to salivate and perhaps even look for the treat when the bell is rung but clearly there is no treat? It’s a learned logical response happening when it’s no longer needed.

Now if the dog suddenly starts peeing on the floor every time the bell rings, that’s is what I would call illogical. No reason to pee when food is offered or a bell is rung. It didn’t fit for the past or the present.

A reason for a behavior doesn’t mean the behavior is a good idea. Knowing the reason can help find ways to handle it better.

Example: Someone might get high on heroin because they are in pain over the death of a loved one. Is that logical? Well, kinda... It has a certain reasoning to it. Is it a good idea? Of course not. Treatments for addiction usually include dealing with the reason for the behavior. Nkt the lack of any reason for it.

I have the habit of reframing PTSD behaviors as a behavior that made sense in the past, that doesn’t fit anymore rather than illogical because:

1.) It is what some trauma therapists tend to say to sufferers (like me) a lot.

2.) It helped me survive weeks of treatment living in close quarters with other sufferers doing any number of ptsd fueled behaviors. It helps me deal with other sufferers when they get symptomatic now.

3.) It helps to prevent my own frustration with myself dragging me over the edge dealing with other sufferers.
For me, I can’t handle locked doors at times. To a supporter, reason would indicate locked door equals increased safety. Logically.

To me, locked doors were logically equated with bring trapped, with life and death force, during trauma. The person trying to help me escape couldn’t get in. So while I can now logically recognize oh, I’m safe now, I don’t need to panic that I just heard a door lock, and I logically know I’m safer now... my hands still shake, my body still goes into fight or flight, my brain goes into the habituated survival thoughts and the impulse to get up and unlock the door is still there. I can tell myself, “I’m being illogical there is no cause for fear” until the cows come home. It might help a little for me make better decisions on how to handle symptoms but it doesn’t always reduce symptoms and sometimes I lose the battle symptoms.
If I say to myself “well ok, this panic made sense in the past...” and then challenge the distorted thinking (where the logic might partially break down) that I still need to do the survival behaviors now the panic tends to chill faster. I tend to be less illogical in how I handle locked doors. The small measure of self/other validation that there was at one point a reason... sometimes helps stop the unhealthy survival behavior in the here and now precisely because it recognizes the ability to reason that most sufferers retain.

Also. I think that almost all humans are illogical for moments at a time. With a sufferer though, our moments of lacking in logic are a million times more pronounced when PTSD symptoms are high because of the survival-drive behind it.

So yeah. I agree sufferers can be illogical. I’m only pointing out there was a logic to many PTSD symptoms at one point in time.

 

[Fleabug]

I totally feel what place you’re in right now, fleabug. And honestly, I don’t think it’s a totally unhealthy one. It sounds like acceptance, as painful as it is, and knowing your limits.

I can also empathize with feeling like some of the things talked about around this forum can make you feel too hopeful, delusionally hopeful. Because there is no evidence that he’s “merely” isolating, there’s no evidence that he’s “all torn up” about anything. The heart wants to believe those things and hang on to hope, but that can be a horribly painful place to be.

Others get broken up with, ghosted, disappeared on, accused of stuff, are made to feel crazy, etc. but they don’t have a place like this to go look for explanations (excuses, in my mind,) so they are forced to accept and move on. To me, that seems easier, because it’s basing a decision to move on on the behavior displayed, not on a myriad of reasons and explanations and symptoms and trauma histories and and and. Just the cold facts. If you look at the cold facts, it boils down to some pretty shoddy behavior not worth your time and energy.

You don’t have to go into isolation. Don’t let this experience break you, let it break you open. It wasn’t your fault.

Thanks so much, but I was isolating for many years before this. I was pretty broken already. But yes, the hope here is amazing. It makes it hard to move on if I always have it in the back of my mind that he will come back. Just easier to move through the pain and accept that I have lost someone important to me.

 

[LovingH]

This might be a little bit about the term “illogical” being used in different ways and having a bit of baggage as a term to most people who get called illogical.

As we all know, “illogical” generally means lacking sense or reason. When used with mental health, it tends to connote a disconnect from reality. Absurdity. I tend to picture the person down the street babbling about wearing green socks because unicorns are at the grocery store.

It tends to strike many sufferers as an invalidating to be called illogical. Part of what makes it so hard to stop PTSD fueled behaviors in the face of new experiences is that at one point, it was perfectly logical and make good sense.

It is a valid viewpoint of supporters though that PTSD behaviors and symptoms are partly lacking in logic.

I mean, I have PTSD, and yet I’ve been in a position of being with a sufferer acting like something is terrifying when the current reality is that all is safe, and thought it was lacking in reasoning.

I’m also not saying that just because the behavior made sense for surviving trauma the supporter should just tolerate someone engaging that behavior now or that it isn’t out of place for the here-and-now. A critical part of recovering from trauma is recognizing the past threat is over, correcting cognitive distortions, taking responsibility for managing symptoms now, etc. I’m only trying to explain that while behaviors are not accurate for the here and now, they were learned behaviors that made sense and fit in the past.

If every time someone rings a bell a dog gets treat, is it illogical that the dog continues to salivate and perhaps even look for the treat when the bell is rung but clearly there is no treat? It’s a learned logical response happening when it’s no longer needed.

Now if the dog suddenly starts peeing on the floor every time the bell rings, that’s is what I would call illogical. No reason to pee when food is offered or a bell is rung. It didn’t fit for the past or the present.

A reason for a behavior doesn’t mean the behavior is a good idea. Knowing the reason can help find ways to handle it better.

Example: Someone might get high on heroin because they are in pain over the death of a loved one. Is that logical? Well, kinda... It has a certain reasoning to it. Is it a good idea? Of course not. Treatments for addiction usually include dealing with the reason for the behavior. Nkt the lack of any reason for it.

I have the habit of reframing PTSD behaviors as a behavior that made sense in the past, that doesn’t fit anymore rather than illogical because:

1.) It is what some trauma therapists tend to say to sufferers (like me) a lot.

2.) It helped me survive weeks of treatment living in close quarters with other sufferers doing any number of ptsd fueled behaviors. It helps me deal with other sufferers when they get symptomatic now.

3.) It helps to prevent my own frustration with myself dragging me over the edge dealing with other sufferers.
For me, I can’t handle locked doors at times. To a supporter, reason would indicate locked door equals increased safety. Logically.

To me, locked doors were logically equated with bring trapped, with life and death force, during trauma. The person trying to help me escape couldn’t get in. So while I can now logically recognize oh, I’m safe now, I don’t need to panic that I just heard a door lock, and I logically know I’m safer now... my hands still shake, my body still goes into fight or flight, my brain goes into the habituated survival thoughts and the impulse to get up and unlock the door is still there. I can tell myself, “I’m being illogical there is no cause for fear” until the cows come home. It might help a little for me make better decisions on how to handle symptoms but it doesn’t always reduce symptoms and sometimes I lose the battle symptoms.
If I say to myself “well ok, this panic made sense in the past...” and then challenge the distorted thinking (where the logic might partially break down) that I still need to do the survival behaviors now the panic tends to chill faster. I tend to be less illogical in how I handle locked doors. The small measure of self/other validation that there was at one point a reason... sometimes helps stop the unhealthy survival behavior in the here and now precisely because it recognizes the ability to reason that most sufferers retain.

Also. I think that almost all humans are illogical for moments at a time. With a sufferer though, our moments of lacking in logic are a million times more pronounced when PTSD symptoms are high because of the survival-drive behind it.

So yeah. I agree sufferers can be illogical. I’m only pointing out there was a logic to many PTSD symptoms at one point in time.

The locked door thing--even on a very small level, I have what you mention. Back in my college days, my bf and I were hanging out in our old dorms during summer break..for nostalgia's sake, I guess? We ended up using a bathroom on the first floor. Well, for some reason, the bathroom locked from the outside. No joke, we could NOT GET OUT. And the window was too small to climb through.

We panicked, cuz..I mean, everyone was gone for summer break! We were convinced they would find our skeletons in September. (at least we had water tho, right?)

What saved us was my small frame, actually. There was a vent in the door, and a chair in the bathroom "lobby" area. I was able to bust out the vent with the chair, crawl out of the vent hole, and unlock the door. What a weird experience that was.

Anyway, to this DAY, whenever I use a public restroom, I panic a little about whether or not I'll be able to get out..I sometimes test out the locks, to make sure I'll be able to get out once I'm done, before I go.

Is that illogical?

Maybe not. Cuz who knows.I may run into another situation where the d*mn STUPID LOCK LOCKS FROM THE OUTSIDE.