Relationship Struggling with partner going through this tough time

[alanwp]

yep. Been here -- without the extra pressure of kids. When I'm in this place I do all I can to push everyone away because they are energy sucking vampires. Doesn't matter if I love them. vampires.

Yes -- best road to take. But no gaurnetees about where it will eventually end up

This ^^^ I'm not saying sufferers are manipulative -- at least not on purpose -- but ....this...

That's because she proabably doesn't know. When I'm in this place? Love hubby/want him dead. Want to stay/cant wait to escape going to run/going to stay home Quit job/change job/stop working and live under bridge get a divorce/stay married.... and so on
And that can all be in my head in the same 5 minutes.

If you haven't see it yet you might check out this thread....
What are they thinking

lots of sufferer/supporter thoughts that might help...

Thank you so much for your insight into this

 

[alanwp]

So laid in bed after working lates, thinking about things..

Have any of you sufferers broken up with your partner, because of what you're going through, even though deep down you still love and care for that person, and then did you ever feel like you shouldn't have? Or wanted to go back to them?

Because currently she's obviously shut down things after Monday Tuesday of being okay with me, because Wednesday she started back at work properly after 2 1/2 weeks off. Tuesday she was saying how much she cared, thanked me, worried for me, hugged me, said she loved me still, was visibly upset.
And since then, gone, shutdown, it's her birthday today which is also a big trigger for her too so I understand that.

If I'm honest I'm struggling a little bit as I'm so uncertain where I should go with this, I feel cut out (and so I should... She's no longer my partner)

 

[Freida]

Have any of you sufferers broken up with your partner, because of what you're going through, even though deep down you still love and care for that person, and then did you ever feel like you shouldn't have? Or wanted to go back to them?

that's a complicated question. I've bailed on relationships because I can't cope with my demons and their needs at the same time but I usually don't look back. Do I feel badly about it? Sometimes. But that's where the numb part of ptsd comes in. It's really hard for me to feel the emotions you are talking about until much, much later. And no, I usually don't go back.

On the other hand, hubby and I just had our 25th anniversary - and I have NO idea how that happened :laugh:

 

[Friday]

Have any of you sufferers broken up with your partner, because of what you're going through, even though deep down you still love and care for that person, and then did you ever feel like you shouldn't have? Or wanted to go back to them?

I’ve loved and cared for most of the people I’ve broken up with to varying degrees.

I’ve regretted breaking up with a few people, although it’s very rare.

I’ve never gone back to someone I’ve broken up with. Even if we were still living/working together, I don’t do the break up & get back together thing. At least, I never have, and very much doubt I ever will. I don’t jerk people around like that / find it morally reprehensible. Same token, I’ve never gotten back together with anyone that’s broken up with me, even when they’ve wanted to. It’s just not how I operate.

 

[Ronin]

Nope, if we’re finished it’s finished.

Though I talked about breaks & such with them, various reasons, both while meaning to get out for how things effected me or when it was just burn the everything mood of the month & I didn’t actually want to buldozer them down in the process.

Different from really being finished, though. Communicating my funks is miles away from being done.

 

[EveHarrington]

Tuesday she was saying how much she cared, thanked me, worried for me, hugged me, said she loved me still, was visibly upset.

Ultimately this is not fair to you.

She gets out of the stress of being in a labeled relationship but makes things harder for you with all the lovey dovey stuff? Think long and hard..... it’s probably best if you put boundaries in place. Her affection is messing with your mind and giving you false hope.

 

[alanwp]

We've spoken again.

It was her birthday yesterday and I made the effort for her and she felt like she didn't deserve anything, but the girls and I made sure she felt good about it all

Obviously we stayed up having a few drinks watching TV and talking, we got back into the subject, I was upset and she didn't like it. I explained I'm trying to stop overthinking this, and it's just that I will miss everything that's all.

She was kind and caring and able to calm me down, and asked if it would be better we moved out of this house or not? I've decided not to right now and move into a separate room, which she has agreed to.

She's acknowledged that I can be upset, but she just wants me to look after myself, and be okay. She mentioned all she's tried to do is make things easier for me (the breakup..) and stop hurting me.

I'm just literally going to have to properly accept this is it.. back to friends.. different living arrangements and then my future plan is to go back to the small city/town and buy a small house on my own instead of hoping and wanting these imaginary goals I have set myself, and avoid living in a tiny village on my own hating life.

 

[Hojay]

This sounds incredibly rough. I’m sure she’s trying to make things easy for you, but I gotta say, from the outside it doesn’t look that way. She shouldn’t give you the option of sticking around, having long heartfelt talks, letting you “take care of her” on her birthday like a partner would, but yeah, please move into that spare room, and this is over, and I don’t want to hurt you, that’s why I’m doing all this. It sounds like an epic mindfork of a situation. Usually, it’s the person who breaks up who puts a stop to those things, precisely in order not to hurt the other person. The person who was broken up with usually isn’t in a position to stop engaging in that way because, well, hope.

It doesn’t look like she’ll have the proper boundaries to let you fully accept the breakup and move on. Like you say, it seems like it’s up to you to have them.

 

[alanwp]

This sounds incredibly rough. I’m sure she’s trying to make things easy for you, but I gotta say, from the outside it doesn’t look that way. She shouldn’t give you the option of sticking around, having long heartfelt talks, letting you “take care of her” on her birthday like a partner would, but yeah, please move into that spare room, and this is over, and I don’t want to hurt you, that’s why I’m doing all this. It sounds like an epic mindfork of a situation. Usually, it’s the person who breaks up who puts a stop to those things, precisely in order not to hurt the other person. The person who was broken up with usually isn’t in a position to stop engaging in that way because, well, hope.

It doesn’t look like she’ll have the proper boundaries to let you fully accept the breakup and move on. Like you say, it seems like it’s up to you to have them.

Thanks for the reply.

She didn't allow me to take care of her, I just refused to allow her to have a crappy day on her birthday that was all, I was more doing it to allow her girls to celebrate it with some normality.

She's allowing me space, and isn't pushing emotions onto me, I must admit it's me causing the emotional stuff so that's my fault. She is genuinely not making me act like we are together, that's all me not getting over it and bring upset I guess, and the talking does actually help me calm my mind overthinking. But won't plan on much now as I know all I need to know.

I'm sorting out the room tomorrow, and going to focus on myself, be a friend, and once I've settled my mind I'll make plans to move and finally buy my own house, albeit a smaller one I never expected but I must stop trying to follow these dreams/expectations I put into place.
I'm tied to this contract on this house till September anyway.

I'll always make time for her girls, because that's unfair on them if I didn't. And I'll always make time for her as a friend. I just need to stop my mind doing this to myself and look after me :)

 

[EveHarrington]

She was kind and caring and able to calm me down,

This messes with your mind. It’s not her job to calm you down after a breakup! Trying to make you feel better just causes more problems.

I must admit it's me causing the emotional stuff so that's my fault.

Uhm no....

She broke your heart. You are allowed to feel royally shitty. Just because she’s being nice doesn’t mean you can’t be upset.

 

[Freida]

She broke your heart. You are allowed to feel royally shitty. Just because she’s being nice doesn’t mean you can’t be upset.

this ^^^^

 

[LovingH]

Ultimately this is not fair to you.

She gets out of the stress of being in a labeled relationship but makes things harder for you with all the lovey dovey stuff? Think long and hard..... it’s probably best if you put boundaries in place. Her affection is messing with your mind and giving you false hope.

Yeah..talk about mixed messages.

I felt like my ex was giving me mixed messages, too. :(