The green-eyed monster.

[bellbird]

I try my best to not feel jealous of others and to be grateful for what I have, I really do.
But sometimes it is too f*cking hard.

Seeing others have what I don't: happiness, healthy relationships, babies.. sometimes it feels like the universe just rubbing it in.
And sometimes, despite how hard I try, that just makes me feel so damn bitter with jealousy.
Which then makes me feel guilty and ashamed, on top of my jealousy.
Which is shit, really. But I suppose my fault.
Which makes me feel even worse for complaining.
And which happens to be where I'm at right now.

I just found out my officemate's wife had their baby. I'm happy for them. I think they'll be great parents.
But the green-eyed monster in me is quite inflamed it seems.
Sitting here on my lonesome, while they're an overjoyed, tight family unit.
Their sleepless nights? Are due to their newborn son. Mine? Nightmares and flashbacks.
Their absences from work over the next while? Caring for and bonding with their son. Mine? Will be because my symptoms have become too severe.
Comparison is the thief of joy or whatever it is, yada yada yada. Yeah, and I'm jealous of those who can live without comparisons.

Not sure what I'm hoping to get here, maybe to get these emotions off my chest because they make me feel like utter dirt.
Or maybe to ask others if they ever feel the same, or if they have any suggestions.

 

[somerandomguy]

But I suppose my fault.

What if I told you it wasn't your fault? This is a natural, normal reaction for everyone. Really.

Here's another thing to think about. For the next six months (or longer), until they figure out a "new normal," their lives are going to be turned entirely upside down. They won't get ANY sleep. They're going to have to deal with the baby's feeding, sleeping, and crying every moment of every day. They may argue bitterly. They will spend every minute fraught with worry of this life they have responsibility for. Sex? Not possible. Intimacy? Barely so, if at all - no time to themselves. It's a HUGE job and many couples break up after a child's birth due to the strain and the stress.

So "overjoyed, tight family unit?" Sometimes. "Overstressed, sleepless, harried, overwhelmed family unit?" Also sometimes.

All this just to say what you're thinking about may not be the full picture.

 

[scout86]

From what I've seen here, you really do a pretty good job of appreciating what you have. I don't think there's anything wrong with aspiring to more. Your life, today, isn't necessarily your life forever, is it? (But, if it makes you feel any better, I sometimes regret the way things have turned out, even if I'm not done yet.)

 

[bellbird]

So "overjoyed, tight family unit?" Sometimes. "Overstressed, sleepless, harried, overwhelmed family unit?" Also sometimes.

Hmm. Perhaps I was showing my naivety of not having a child here.

Perhaps at the root of it is my cognitive distortion that good things are just things that happen to other people.
Like how the f*ck out of my abusive relationship, the one who did all the bad things is the one not having to live with this stupid mental illness. I get the logic of how that happens, but in some ways, I really don't get the logic of how that happens.

Your life, today, isn't necessarily your life forever, is it?

You're right.
But people always harp on about that living in the present crap, which I try and do, but then apparently this is where I end up.

 

[scout86]

Like how the f*ck out of my abusive relationship, the one who did all the bad things is the one not having to live with this stupid mental illness.

I'm totally with you on that! It's not fair and it's the kind of thing that makes me wish the world actually WAS fair.

Living in the present is fine and good, but that doesn't mean we can't have hopes for the future. :)

 

[grit]

IMHO
A healthy or very self aware person may feel this, a knowledge it and then find a healthy way to process and move through it. Why would you not want those for yourself? Why not.?
Normal feelings... What are you going to do about it.

 

[gemberie]

I’m so glad to find someone else who struggles the way I do. I’m 41, divorced, no kids, no career, job hopped my whole adult life, live with my aunt and uncle, just moved out of my parents house for the 5th time, flashbacks daily. And I am quite aware of how most of my peers have MUCH different lives. It hurts a lot to realize my illness has ravaged my life.

But I try to reframe it often. Luckily for me I live in a nice house with people who love me. I’m working at getting better every day. I’m slowly healing even though it hurts terribly. I know things are getting better and in five years my life will be much better than it is now. And if I focus on the now, I think of out of the over 7 billion people on Earth, someone struggles in the way I do but doesn’t have some of the things I do. Or they live in homes with rats running across the dirt floor. Anything concerning cleanliness or rodents/insects is a visual that makes me very grateful. I know it sounds weird but when I really see that kind of thing in my minds eye, I become so thankful.

Think of a visual that does the same for you. It helps my day get much brighter.

 

[Hopefulphoenix]

Hello B.
I actually got alot from this post and find your honesty brave and refreshing. Jelousy and “why me” and totally “its not fair” is something I struggle with alot, and wish that I could turn it off. What people say here about it being normal helps me alot. Forbidding or hating my feelings is half the battle for me.
And your office mates baby situation sounds very facebook the way you write it. Newborns test the psychological limits of people without ptsd!! But I get it totally, kind of what other people take for granted. I feel envious that you live where you do and can do a job (or is it research?). You might envy me for having a supportive husband and two kids. But we both have very similar pain and battles, and can hopefully support each other towards victory!
I just wonder how it feels to go around being “normal”, being able to get up in morning without depression, feeling okay, having friends, going to the store. I dont reckon people even appreciate it. I dont know. Sorry Im rambling.
But thanks for making me feel less alone.

 

[bellbird]

Living in the present is fine and good, but that doesn't mean we can't have hopes for the future. :)

Yes, true. I'll be the first to admit I was pretty deep in black-and-white thinking when I messaged you back :)

What are you going to do about it.

Hmm. Yes. Reminding myself that I can shape my own future.
But, then, sometimes I feel really nervous; true happiness... healthy relationships... babies (through healthy relationships) all just seem like things that only happen to other people.

Think of a visual that does the same for you. It helps my day get much brighter.

That is a really neat way to reframe things, thank you @gemberie . I'll try to remind myself of that when my jealousy flares up.

Forbidding or hating my feelings is half the battle for me.

Hmm, this resonates with me a lot.

I feel envious that you live where you do and can do a job (or is it research?). You might envy me for having a supportive husband and two kids. But we both have very similar pain and battles, and can hopefully support each other towards victory!

Aw P, that was beautiful, and thought provoking too. Really thought provoking.
(I'm a Masters student, I do research but it's basically my current full time occupation :) )
Supporting you towards victory 100% :hug:

I just wonder how it feels to go around being “normal”, being able to get up in morning without depression, feeling okay, having friends, going to the store. I dont reckon people even appreciate it. I dont know. Sorry Im rambling.
But thanks for making me feel less alone

Hey, ramble away. This is totally the space for that. And I'm glad others have found some benefit from this thread aside from me :)
I've had that thought process you mention^ many times as well.

 

[EveHarrington]

My therapist says “oh so what? Others having kids means they had sex, that’s it! And anyone can get married. You’re at an advantage because your healing doesn’t involve getting out of a bad relationship and supporting kids.”

Yeah, she has a point.

But, it still sucks sometimes that I don’t have kids and I’m not married.

Then I think ok, Audrey Hepburn was incredible and she didn’t find the love of her life until she was 49 (or something like that).

And the kids issue? I’m trying to accept that kids likely aren’t in the cards for me. On one level it sucks, but on another level I sometimes think that maybe I sorta/kinda wanted kids because that was just the thing to do? I don’t know.

 

[Mach123]

I used to feel like this a lot and I had kind of forgotten it.

I think that I felt so badly about myself was the root of it.

I feel much better now. I want money and things but I want happiness and love a lot more.

I think I felt like if I had money and things I'd be more worthy of love. I always had this stuff in my head saying no you can't, no you're wrong, no you have to do this or that first.

But I think I was wrong.

 

[The Albatross]

I ask myself at times for envy, jealousy or angst a quote: “Are these things really better than the things I already have? Or am I just trained to be dissatisfied with what I have now?” ~ Chuck Palahniuk Most often it's the latter, hardwiring or default emotive position... then I roll my sleeves up and endeavor to either act or accept... and in the process of either one my attitude changes.