How to convey to a therapist that you’re getting too triggered

[mylunareclipse]

Thank you @grit @Zoogal @joeylittle
Well thank goodness for the 4 years of therapy and everything I have learned so far! Few years back a day like today would have turned a lot worse:
but instead I reached out to my husband, to this forum :) , to my friend, went to yoga, didn't go to work - but did go to the library to work on my project, got myself some cold bubbly drinks and some snacks and seems like the worst is behind me for today!
I have repeatedly said and I spelled it out in my email : that right now I would like help on knowing how to get back when I get flooded, how to deal with shutting down etc etc.
Personally, I would like to make it work if possible, but if he really cannot hear me and what I need, I guess what choice do I have? I guess he does help me with some stuff, but safety is number 1.

 

[Sideways]

Based on what you’ve said, I agree with everyone’s advice that this doesn’t sound like the right fit.

Just for the sake of completeness though (because changing T’s is tough, and it sounds like you need support right now), I know that when I’m really struggling, I don’t always hear what people are saying all that accurately.

For example, someone might say “You really need more support right now”, genuinely wanting to help. And if I’m really not coping great, my brain will hear (or read if it’s via text or email) something more like:
“I can’t help you, why are you putting all this on me, you need to find someone else ‘cause I’m just don’t care about you, don’t ever contact me again...” and on, and on.

So, when you say this:

He emailed back saying that he felt like I didn’t like him and maybe I wasn’t the right therapist for him and I was seeing him just because he takes my insurance.

that’s what he actually said? Not just how you’ve interpreted what he wrote?

Potentially that’s all pure projection. Just, knowing how bad I can distort things in my head when I’m unwell, I’d hate to recommend that you ditch a T that might have genuinely been trying to say something a bit different from the way you’ve read it...

If not? You deserve much better help. Much better.

 

[mylunareclipse]

thank you so much @Sideways that's why i am staying in there and not quitting.
He did say specifically "perhaps you don't like my approach, or perhaps you don't like me. I worry that me taking your insurance is the only reason you've continued to see me"... he did say that we could make it work but we had to talk about these things first and that I should think whether or not I want him as my therapist, because it's important to work with someone that makes me feel heard and understood. that he's there for me, but he might not be the best therapist for everyone. he wasn't malicious in any shape or form. but i was still taken aback. After I replied he replied back thanking be and saying that nothing was my fault...and that was that...
i was trying to convey to him that even though I might look "not-emotional" in sessions I am still going through a lot. I just am too frozen to express my pain in sessions. I have only cried once in 4 years of total therapy (i have only seen him for the last six months of that).

*ETA that I did have a typo in my original post, he said that maybe he wasn't the right therapist for me, not that I wasn't the right therapist for him. Slip of the tongue right there lol

 

[Sideways]

Okay. So, you know this guy, and I’ve never met him. So take what’s helpful, leave the rest.

That, to me? Sounds like: can we have a conversation about this. It sounds like he’s sensing some resistance from you to either him, or the therapy process he’s using.

Resistance is a normal, normal thing. But it’s fraught with difficulty for a T to initiate a conversation about it with their patient, because it too often comes off as, “You aren’t trying.”

In fact, what’s usually happening, is there’s a big emotional stuck point somewhere inside when the patient walks into the therapy room. Caused by all manner of issues - which may, or may not, have anything to do with the actual T or their therapy process.

He seems to be picking up that you’re stuck. He’d like to be helping more, and this sounds like, “Let’s talk about it. Maybe we can achieve something here...”.

IMO? It speaks to his professionalism that he’d raise this with you. He could’ve just kept taking your money, chewing the fat, going through the motions. Instead, he’s put it to you, respectfully, that he’s sensing he’s not hitting home with you, and opened a dialogue with you about that. In email seems less confrontational to me, so personally I think that’s a good way to start the conversation.

So talk it through - here, or with him. Do you just not gel? Where are you feeling stuck? What direction do you want to go? And can you open up to him about that, to decide together whether to give it a fresh go?

If not? It sounds to me like he’d potentially have some ideas about who you might try instead, and assist you with that transition.

JMHO. Take it or leave it. But I’m definitely not hearing something as unprofessional as “You don’t like me”.

Hope that’s helpful.

 

[mylunareclipse]

Thank you so much @Sideways . I like your take on it. I would honestly like to talk to him about it. I just hope he gives me a chance and doesn't bolt . I appreciated his honesty to a certain degree, but I was also taken aback as I have never had a therapist share things like this. I guess maybe it was his way of responding to my honesty with honesty? though the timing seemed off considering i was struggling already...
But we still have to talk about the goals and whose goals they are. As maybe we are not on the same page about the work we are doing. I have tried my best to convey it to him, but I do struggle with talking a lot and maybe I wasn't as coherent as I imagined. Let's see hopefully he is still ok with talking things over. I do have to say though that hopefully he will hear me when I say next time that I am getting too triggered and to not push as hard...

 

[Sideways]

but I was also taken aback as I have never had a therapist share things like this.

Still freaks me the fk out. I don’t trust people. That kept me alive for so long, and so many people had let me down so bad that it worked really well for me. People can’t be trusted, they don’t want to help.

And then you cross paths with a T that genuinely does want to help. Like, wha!?

Doesn’t mean he’s the right person. But it does mean he wants to hear how you’re feeling, and want to do the right thing for you. For real. Which is pretty cool.