Relationship I reached out, after 2 months

[anon1234]

Birthdays don’t mean anything when someone is in isolation. Isolation just ended for us after several months and he hasn’t even realized it was my birthday during that period. Either that or he’s too sheepish to mention it.
If he is in isolation, he’s in survival mode. Birthdays = expectation + social interaction + coming out of isolation = stress stress stress

 

[LovingH]

I'm not counting on hearing anything from him.

His dad was on my Facebook friend list and hadn't defriended me or anything, after all this. In fact, I had a birthday fundraiser, and his dad donated $60 to it a week ago.

Then tonight I happened to notice his dad's name was no longer on the donation list. And when I went to look up his fb profile, I could tell that he blocked me.

This is really puzzling to me. Why would he suddenly block me? And why block me, when he could just defriend me, if my ex didn't want him to be friends with me anymore?

That felt like a kick in the gut. Like, wow, my ex hates me and I don't even know why. He hates me so much, he got his dad to block me on facebook.

:(

 

[Hojay]

Wow, ok, his dad blocking you was really unnecessary. I can only imagine how powerless you must feel, LovingH. This is the kind of ambiguous loss people talk about that can really throw you (not his dad blocking you. The whole thing, I mean.) I wish I could come and shake you by the shoulders and tell you it’s not you, it’s not you, it’s not you. But I know that doesn’t help.

The thing is, we can only extrapolate from how we ourselves act. If we’re in any way normal, the only reason we would cut someone out so harshly and thoroughly would be if they’d truly done something horrible to us. But that’s not how everyone sees things. Some people bail and cut us out for reasons that have nothing to do with the reality of our behavior. The fact that he’s capable of doing this in itself shows that he is not someone worthy of your time.

I know, it takes a lot of abstraction and thinking around a hundred deeply engrained corners to come out of this with not only good but even better self esteem than before. But it’s possible, believe me. I have a million fantastic books I can recommend to aid you on your way, if you’re interested.

About his dad, try and not read too much into it. It’s likely that he told his dad that you’re no longer together and either his dad himself decided its best to delete you, or he asked him to. It’s familial loyalty. YOU know the full story. His dad does not. It means nothing.

 

[blackemerald1]

I'm not counting on hearing anything from him.

You know what... I know it's hard but count him out of your birthday plans! Even if he did show up suddenly it would kind of wreck your birthday anyway bc he's got a lot of explaining to do ....and on your birthday??? No!!

This is really puzzling to me.

It would seem puzzling bc you've done nothing wrong. But Hojay is right... families can cluster together and exclude ppl... without really caring how that person may feel. But that is on them, not you!

Like, wow, my ex hates me and I don't even know why. He hates me so much, he got his dad to block me on facebook.

This is what you are reading into the situation and maybe you are correct. But regardless try and leave all of that negative, hateful abandonment stuff behind.

You know what? He's just not worth it! You are better than him and his family!

 

[Butterfly64]

‘Do not revise history’ and ‘live in the reality’ of what is/has happened.
Hojay, you are so right on.

I am reading this thread and currently giving myself a lecture, because it is my ex’s birthday today and I am ruminating and wondering why it seems so easy to listen to someone else’s situation, and clearly see that they are not being treated the way we would want them to be treated, but not see it when it is happening to us. Or maybe that is the denial/rationalization/excuses thing that we do.

When it comes to your own relationship, it seems like such a Herculean task to be able to walk away. To let go. Certainly letting go without regrets or expending valuable energy wishing that things had been different: Maybe the lack of closure, which seems to be a relatively consistent problem in these push-pull/PTSD/PD relationships, doesn’t help. The intense ‘connection’ we have felt intermittently in the (distant) past when things were ‘good’. My mind goes over and over and over again, what was healthy about the relationship (and when I break it down it isn’t much), then I ask myself ‘where did it go wrong’ and then ‘what could I have done differently’, and then ‘what is his relationship like with the new woman (it will be at its best honeymoon stage)’, and then, finally, I try and focus on all the problems. The anger/devaluing/disappearing/etc. to try and remind myself why I shouldn’t care and need to move on.

I think that’s one of the most powerful things about this site though. I can see myself and I can see my relationship(s) in everyone else’s....to one extent or another. And I can see what’s not right. It validates what I went through and it helps clear the cobwebs a bit. I just want to move on but I get stuck sometimes, like today, and I can’t seem to escape it, no matter what I tell myself. It can be all consuming and exhausting.

So, thank you for posting.
Thank you for sharing.

If we just gave ourselves a fraction of the love and empathy that we have given our partners we would be so much better off.

I feel you! I guess it is the dream of what it could have been like, had they not suffered from PTSD, we cannot let go of. It certainly is for me...I had a few weeks with him where I saw the real him....where he would kiss and cuddle and hold me....then all of that stopped, because the thought of a relationship made him panick. I held on for two yours with only a minimum of intimacy. So for me it is definitely extremely difficult to let go of the dream and the fact that he loves me, but cannot act on it.
And you are right; it is always easier to look at other peoples’s relationship and see the problems....that the best thing to do is to run like hell...before they break down completely...but to do that yourself, to run....that is another story!

 

[Butterfly64]

Still nothing from him :( Sometimes I just can't understand how he could cut me out of his life like this. When I really think about it, I get angry, honestly. I try not to, but I can't help it.

Today I met up with the guy my friend kinda set me up with.

He seemed nice. I didn't feel any chemistry. And I feel like whomever I date, I'm gonna compare to HIM. Not sure I'm ready for this.

It is Okay to get angry! That is survival mode! I get mad sometimes....we don’t know if our guy is acting out of pure PTSD or a mixture of PTSD or the “real him” without PTSD! How can we possibly know?

I hope you will feel better soon! I know it sucks! I have not seen my guy for two weeks...I suggested a “friendship break” in June...and now he can’t even see me as a friend because his desire for me is too strong. Feeling a mix of dissapointment and relief, because deep down I know, it is time to let go and seeing him would only make me weak! So I ought to thank him...but letting go of someone who was my neighbour/ friend for 4 years before he became my weakness for 2 years...that is hard.
I wish you the best

 

[LovingH]

Thanks, everybody, for the replies.

I finally did get a reply back from him, this morning.

I dunno. It's frustrating because I feel he hasn't understood my motives at all. I feel he's also locked in some psychoanalysis mode, which makes it impossible for him to see my heart. It's like he just wants to psychoanalyze me. Which is fine..I guess that shows he's doing some heavy therapy. Which is what he needs to do.

He just can't seem to see the difference btwn "I miss you, I miss what we had, and what we had is rare and unique" and "I'm trying to fill some void in my life with you."

His reply shows he really has misunderstood my motives, and once again, I think it's projection. Still projecting his ex onto me. He thought all my messages were "trying to get back at him." There was nothing to get back at him FOR. I tried to explain that. Get him back, YES. Get back at him? No. Not in the least.

It's like talking to a wall at this point. If he won't see me, and just tossed off a reply to placate me, there's nothing I can do. I do think at some point down the road, he'll regret losing what we had. But he's not seeing it now.

Thanks for y'alls support. So much. Not sure where I'd be without it.

 

[siniang]

I know that this is hart and I know exactly how you feel (been there, done that, from someone without PTSD), but you really need to be careful to not blame everything on his PTSD. And be very careful not to project, yourself.

I'm really sorry for you. Heart ache sucks.

 

[Butterfly64]

Thanks, everybody, for the replies.

I finally did get a reply back from him, this morning.

I dunno. It's frustrating because I feel he hasn't understood my motives at all. I feel he's also locked in some psychoanalysis mode, which makes it impossible for him to see my heart. It's like he just wants to psychoanalyze me. Which is fine..I guess that shows he's doing some heavy therapy. Which is what he needs to do.

He just can't seem to see the difference btwn "I miss you, I miss what we had, and what we had is rare and unique" and "I'm trying to fill some void in my life with you."

His reply shows he really has misunderstood my motives, and once again, I think it's projection. Still projecting his ex onto me. He thought all my messages were "trying to get back at him." There was nothing to get back at him FOR. I tried to explain that. Get him back, YES. Get back at him? No. Not in the least.

It's like talking to a wall at this point. If he won't see me, and just tossed off a reply to placate me, there's nothing I can do. I do think at some point down the road, he'll regret losing what we had. But he's not seeing it now.

Thanks for y'alls support. So much. Not sure where I'd be without it.

I know “the wall” so well from my guy. I doesn’t matter how carefully you choose your words to make him understand how you feel...I have been there so many times...there are sooooo many things I would like to talk to him about, so many questions....but I have given up, because I cannot trust his answer to be true. Not that he is a liar...he is not...but when my questions get too close for comfort regarding us, he will lie to avoid admitting to how much he really cares about me. Maybe a mix between scared of loosing me if he becomes too involved and thinking he is too broken for me.
So...I feel for you...truly! Are you ready to move on...hard as it will be.

 

[LovingH]

I know “the wall” so well from my guy. I doesn’t matter how carefully you choose your words to make him understand how you feel...I have been there so many times...there are sooooo many things I would like to talk to him about, so many questions....but I have given up, because I cannot trust his answer to be true. Not that he is a liar...he is not...but when my questions get too close for comfort regarding us, he will lie to avoid admitting to how much he really cares about me. Maybe a mix between scared of loosing me if he becomes too involved and thinking he is too broken for me.
So...I feel for you...truly! Are you ready to move on...hard as it will be.

Yup. Walls suck.

And just like I see in so many posts on here..he keeps trying to keep the door open to us being "friends" down the road, once the emotions have cooled.

It's like he doesn't wanna lose me, but is so scared of being too close.

 

[LovingH]

Oh and here's another thing he keeps saying "I don't want to keep rehashing the past."

Ok but I have a lot of confusion about the past, so it's not helping either of us not to talk about it. But..fine. I just have to accept the uncertainty and go with my own assumptions and interpretations.

 

[Butterfly64]

Yup. Walls suck.

And just like I see in so many posts on here..he keeps trying to keep the door open to us being "friends" down the road, once the emotions have cooled.

It's like he doesn't wanna lose me, but is so scared of being too close.

Exactly! If you can be his friend? Will the emotions cool? Not likely...just saying ?