General How do I stop upsetting him ? Advice needed please.

[Sephira]

Oh Lord, guys. I need some help. Haven’t posted in ages so I’ll give you some background. My boyfriend is active special forces with C-PTSD. He just started going to the therapist again ( he had stopped but things were getting so bad he knew he needed to recommit to going).

He’s hard to be with lately. I’m not that great at boundaries and he gets stressed so easily. His therapist told him I was a “ source of major triggers and stress”

Tonight it was my tone and a stupid comment I made and he went ballistic. We’ve been together 10 years. He knows exactly what to say to hurt me. My day was horrible, I didn’t even realize I upset him until he hung up on me.

I’m on eggshells already. I was with him when he developed PTSD, and I’m definitely the closest person to him. I know it’s going to get worse before it gets better. I’m willing to stick it out, but I’m afraid she’s going to push him to leave me. I know that sounds stupid. But it’s the truth.

How do I stop upsetting him? It’s so so easy lately. I seem to making him angry so much, and so often. I want to support and help but I just seem to be making everything worse :(

 

[lostforgottensoul]

How do I stop upsetting him?

You can't. And you aren't upsetting him. He is upset. You cannot make anyone feel anything. They make themselves feel that way.

Anything can be a trigger. Any sight, sound, smell, sensation. Anything.

That said, it is his job to manage his triggers. It is not your job to tip toe around them. Which, I'd make a clear boundry. If you want to add "tell me what triggers you the worse and I will try not to do XYZ" you can but not a must. [Edited to add: Which is sort of tip toeing around triggers so sort of degates what I am saying but some manage that way and it works for some so thought I would throw it in.] But, I would some how advise that anything can be a trigger thus I am not going to tip toe around them a boundry, what you are and are not gonna do, I would.

Again, boundries are things you will and will not put up with. You are advising that you are not gonna tip toe around triggers. It is on him on how he responds that.

 

[Sephira]

He says it’s just me who causes him problems- everyone else is fine. I am just a “ not nice person”. I am trying so so hard and he’s using his therapy like a weapon. It feels like he’s saying” My T thinks you’re a problem too.” And the T only knows what he says. I dunno, it just sucks. And he’s like my family. Even though he can be such a jerk, I love him.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

My T thinks you’re a problem too.

I would add "well, your therapist sounds like he really doesn't know his stuff.

What type of relationship do you have with him? Romantic or just friends?

 

[Sephira]

Romantic. He’s stationed in the Middle East, I’m in the US. Usually we ebb and flow like any relationship. That’s why I post so infrequently. But lately, he’s always threatening to break up. It’s exhausting.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

But lately, he’s always threatening to break up

Well, maybe take him at face value and walk away. Why are you allowing yourself to be his doormat?

 

[Sephira]

I’m reaching my limit- believe me, I’ve thought about it. I may get to that point. I think I’m trying to hold on to see what things look like after some therapy

 

[Sweetpea76]

Are you sure his therapist is telling him that, or is that part of his lashing out?

 

[Sephira]

Are you sure his therapist is telling him that, or is that part of his lashing out?

No clue, Sweetpea. I hope not. I’m by no means perfect, I admit some resentment has crept in over the years that I’m really trying to deal with. But I am so used to tiptoeing, I try to be very careful to speak to him only when I’m not upset with him in any way. But I’m human, and bad days creep in to my tone I suppose.

He used to be amazing- I’m hoping when he goes for a while, he manages his triggers without me tiptoeing anymore.

I’d stay with him until he gets better. But it seems like every time I get him upset over stupid stuff, he threatens to leave. Today, I was talking to myself about a Facebook post. He didn’t hear and said “ I’m not even going to bother asking what you’re talking about”. I said “okay, fine with me”. This was nasty, and he said he wants out. I just leave him alone when he gets like this- talking makes it worse.He sees this relationship has very rocky.

Just sad. Exhausted. Being a supporter can be exhausting. I’d even deal with this but it’s like I’m on a treadmill. This small thing erodes his trust and patience. And then tomorrow I’m at square one re-earning it again until the next thing sets him off.

Sorry for venting, lol. Rarely do I talk to anyone that understands what I’m dealing with.

 

[hithere]

From a sufferer perspective and a supporter perspective, as my spouse is also recovering from PTSD, though he recovered more quickly than I, and he is more emotionally healthy than I. This scenario you describe sounds similar to my own and being on both sides of it. One, I think, my opinion, is to relax about this. Take care of yourself and don't try to get anything from him right now. Stop stressing about the relationship or fearing the relationship is over. Get yourself into a calm, zen-like state concerning the relationship.

The key is for this calmness to be for "right now" and know that with time his emotions will calm down and you'll be able to ebb and flow again. For me and my spouse we took our vows seriously "in sickness and health." I would never suggest someone be "unsafe" and I strongly believe if anyone is afraid in the relationship they should get the hell out. But I would view it as he's sick "right now" and what he needs is space and for me not to push or want anything or expect anything. When I have symptoms I am very lucky that my spouse now knows to give me lots of room and leave me alone and not "freak out" that I'm leaving forever or the relationship is over--because that isn't even remotely true. If I leave physically, he know to let me leave, because if there is any kind of feeling of control I will go ape shit and the relationship really will be over. That's just the way it is. It is is what it is. If I had some other illness or he had some other illness we would have to deal with that disease. So I would say relax and know that he will appreciate and notice the space you give him, he will notice that you are relaxed and not afraid of losing the relationship. Hold the relationship in an open hand position and not a tight fist. "I'm here if you need me," that's all you really need to say.

"

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I will agree with @hithere with needing space and for the other to not freak out about it. But there are typically boundries. How much time is too much? You can't leave someone waiting for you forever. When is it ok to reach out again and when is it overkill and just adding stress as added stress will make the isolation worse and longer. What is ok? Are phone calls ok during isolation or is he like me and can't physically talk when in this state. Is text ok? If so, what sort of texts are ok. I mean, so many things.

This is why, @Sephira, I would ask to go to therapy with him every so often. If he goes weekly then maybe monthly. If he goes monthly then every few months. Or get a seperate couples therapist to help you set ground rules. These are foindations to build on. How to communicate in a healthy way. It is absolutely not ok that he blames you for being not kind, to tell you that his therapist says you are the issue, threatens to leave you all the time and to take all of his emotions out on you. It is not your job to make him not upset. That is his job. And both of your jobs to work on the relationship. Him included.

And if all else fails, take him up on the leaving part if only for a small while. 6 months. Or enough time to make him really understand what he'd be loosing. Then come back and set your foot down on what you will and won't tolerate in your life. You deserve better then to be a doormat to someone with PTSD. The fact that he has PTSD isn't your fault so he ought to stop treating you like it is. But that's not happening unless some boundries are laid and I propose you do that with some sort of counselor to help you really map ot out!

 

[anon1234]

I think @hithere gives some great advice. It’s the tactic I took and things settled down eventually. I took a NAMI Homefront course to help deal with stuff, it’s something you may want to look into if you wish to stay in this.