Relationship I reached out, after 2 months

[LovingH]

Exactly! If you can be his friend? Will the emotions cool? Not likely...just saying ?

Probably not :(

Maybe in a year? 2 years? lol

That's how hung up I am over him. Ughhh

 

[Butterfly64]

Probably not :(

Maybe in a year? 2 years? lol

That's how hung up I am over him. Ughhh

It is rough I know. I have “decided” to move on now...easier said than done. I know for a fact, that we if we stay away from eachother for say 3 months, we will have a hard time controlling ourselves when we meet. So the best thing for me would to never see him again...maybe for you too?

 

[LovingH]

That's a really hard thing to accept. But yeah I know we would be the same way. We'd be all over each other, for sure. :/

 

[Butterfly64]

That's a really hard thing to accept. But yeah I know we would be the same way. We'd be all over each other, for sure. :/

? Well it is your call really...run like hell or stay...I’m finally running..that just took me 2 years. If he want’s to get back with me, he has to open up to therapy, communicate with me and show intimacy...totally unrealistic??

 

[LovingH]

I am so sorry. Yeah..some ppl are just incapable of intimacy. :(

 

[Butterfly64]

I am so sorry. Yeah..some ppl are just incapable of intimacy. :(

Thanks. He actually loves intimacy...but holds it back, because in his book intimacy equals relationship, and he is no state to enter a relationship

 

[LovingH]

Wow. I sent him what I thought was a very well thought out letter about my true feelings, and he replies with this:

"After everything I don't want to be with you anymore. I don't say that out of malice. I am not saying it to get a reaction. If that's what you need to be at peace with it, then fine. I am past thinking about why it went wrong, I am past being hurt, I am past missing it. No one needs to be the villain. Everyone has their own motivations for doing what they do. Sometimes things don't work out. Forcing it will only make it worse. If you truly care about me, wish me the best and hope that I find happiness. I want those things for you. I don't even remember being angry at you. It is not in my interested to decode everything. It does nothing but hurt me."

So..HIS feelings are most important here, clearly. Right? It's all about HIM.

And wow...must be nice to be able to get over someone so quickly. It's only been 2 months since I last saw him, and he's OVER IT.

Not interested in giving me any clarity at all. And, he didn't even need to reply back to me with this. All my msg prior to this was about, was that I felt what we had was rare, and true love is hard to find, so I had to at least try to get it back, before it was too late.

I won't be contacting him anymore after receiving that, that's for sure.

 

[OrangeJulius]

Overall, to me, his response sounds like a very straightforward way of cutting you loose. To me it reads as if he is trying to be as clear as possible that he is not interested in a relationship with you. To me, it sounds like he is coming from a loving place because he wants you to move forward with your life and not let any reminiscent hope about him dissuade you from finding somebody else that may be even more wonderful for you than he was.

If I remember correctly he started therapy? If that is the case, he is probably up against much bigger demons right now that are taking priority on his mental space and energy.

So..HIS feelings are most important here, clearly. Right? It's all about HIM.

Its hard to determine with limited information....but you say

All my msg prior to this was about, was that I felt what we had was rare, and true love is hard to find, so I had to at least try to get it back, before it was too late.

It sounds like you spoke of your feelings and in response he spoke of his. And speaking about himself and his feelings is all he can speak to intelligently.

And wow...must be nice to be able to get over someone so quickly. It's only been 2 months since I last saw him, and he's OVER IT.

Keep in mind that compartmentalization is a forte of many suffers.


I'm sorry you're going through this. Breakups always hurt really badly, especially when you're not ready for them and don't understand what happened.

Stay on the path of good self care and might I suggest planning something really fun for your birthday.

 

[LovingH]

If I remember correctly he started therapy? If that is the case, he is probably up against much bigger demons right now that are taking priority on his mental space and energy.

He's been in therapy this whole time.

I don't feel the "loving" part was sincere at all...I feel it was just platitudes. I'm NOT past thinking why it went wrong, but he is, and like I said, it's clear his feelings are the only ones that matter.

I just feel like I never really meant much to him, if he doesn't even miss our relationship at all, after only a couple of months. And that this was just to shut me down.

I have been doing fun things...I'm trying. It's just really hard.

 

[Hojay]

I understand why you’re angry. While I agree that it’s a pretty straightforward way of cutting you loose, what you want and need is closure. And part of healthy closure entails an exchange of thoughts about what went wrong, as well as space for both to ask questions and express themselves. Unless something truly awful happened and no-contact needs to be established, I think the person who breaks up owes the other a modicum of time and conversation in order to fully understand, maybe even vent some anger, and move on.

Thing is, if he’s a classic sufferer and this is his PTSD talking, that isn’t his priority. You understanding and being able to move on with your head held high isn’t as important to him as keeping his own sanity. And from what it sounds like, he won’t be able to keep his own sanity if he goes deeply into what happened, including thinking about and taking responsibility for his own part, which is something he may want to avoid also in light of whatever traumatized him.

From what it sounds like he just doesn’t want to think about it anymore. That’s not a reflection of you and your worth. It’s a reflection of his ability to cope with the demands of adult relationships and their dissolution. If anything, he’s showing you his level of emotional maturity and self regulation. And it seems to not have changed much from when he reacted as he did within your relationship.

So yes, his feelings are more important than yours—to him. That’s PTSD; a way to survive emotionally. I lived with that for years and made excuses for it. I now see that it’s no basis for any kind of relationship. I needed to drastically overhaul who I thought I was dealing with and what he’s willing to do to protect his own coping mechanisms. Throwing me under the bus emotionally was one of those things and that’s not a very attractive trait in a partner, ever.

I hope you’re sufficiently angry to see him more clearly now. It takes time and repeated reminders, but these exchanges can also help lift the fog so that you can eventually understand FOR YOURSELF and without his help, and move on. This sucks.

 

[LovingH]

I understand why you’re angry. While I agree that it’s a pretty straightforward way of cutting you loose, what you want and need is closure. And part of healthy closure entails an exchange of thoughts about what went wrong, as well as space for both to ask questions and express themselves. Unless something truly awful happened and no-contact needs to be established, I think the person who breaks up owes the other a modicum of time and conversation in order to fully understand, maybe even vent some anger, and move on.

Thing is, if he’s a classic sufferer and this is his PTSD talking, that isn’t his priority. You understanding and being able to move on with your head held high isn’t as important to him as keeping his own sanity. And from what it sounds like, he won’t be able to keep his own sanity if he goes deeply into what happened, including thinking about and taking responsibility for his own part, which is something he may want to avoid also in light of whatever traumatized him.

From what it sounds like he just doesn’t want to think about it anymore. That’s not a reflection of you and your worth. It’s a reflection of his ability to cope with the demands of adult relationships and their dissolution. If anything, he’s showing you his level of emotional maturity and self regulation. And it seems to not have changed much from when he reacted as he did within your relationship.

So yes, his feelings are more important than yours—to him. That’s PTSD; a way to survive emotionally. I lived with that for years and made excuses for it. I now see that it’s no basis for any kind of relationship. I needed to drastically overhaul who I thought I was dealing with and what he’s willing to do to protect his own coping mechanisms. Throwing me under the bus emotionally was one of those things and that’s not a very attractive trait in a partner, ever.

I hope you’re sufficiently angry to see him more clearly now. It takes time and repeated reminders, but these exchanges can also help lift the fog so that you can eventually understand FOR YOURSELF and without his help, and move on. This sucks.

Thank you. You put into words what I think I felt inside but was unable to articulate. I really appreciate that.

On the surface, this looks like a loving goodbye type of letter..but delving deeper, and knowing our history..you nailed exactly why it made me angry and upset.

It's ok, though. I had to at least give it another try. I accepted the risk of getting hurt.

You're right..now I really see he is too immature and too immersed in his own issues to have any kind of adult give and take or mature conversation about what happened. And I just have to let go of the need for it.

Of course I wish the best for him, and happiness, and etc..that just struck me as yet another platitude, or the subtext being "why can't you just wish me well, and leave me alone?" That's what it felt like. So I ddn't feel the need to give in to what he wants.

All I replied back with was "It must be nice to get over things so quickly. You won't be hearing from me again."

Because I am absolutely 100 pct done. I put myself out, my entire heart, and feelings about missing him, and what he truly meant to me.asking for nothing more than to just see him, on my birthday..and got the door slammed in my face.

 

[Butterfly64]

Thank you. You put into words what I think I felt inside but was unable to articulate. I really appreciate that.

On the surface, this looks like a loving goodbye type of letter..but delving deeper, and knowing our history..you nailed exactly why it made me angry and upset.

It's ok, though. I had to at least give it another try. I accepted the risk of getting hurt.

You're right..now I really see he is too immature and too immersed in his own issues to have any kind of adult give and take or mature conversation about what happened. And I just have to let go of the need for it.

Of course I wish the best for him, and happiness, and etc..that just struck me as yet another platitude, or the subtext being "why can't you just wish me well, and leave me alone?" That's what it felt like. So I ddn't feel the need to give in to what he wants.

All I replied back with was "It must be nice to get over things so quickly. You won't be hearing from me again."

Because I am absolutely 100 pct done. I put myself out, my entire heart, and feelings about missing him, and what he truly meant to me.asking for nothing more than to just see him, on my birthday..and got the door slammed in my face.

Ouchhh? My heart goes out to you in a big way! And please don’t make the mistake I have made, when my guy told me something similar to this...don’t contact him....don’t try and fight for him. It will only cause you more pain. Having been on this Forum for only a week or so, has taught me so much... reading your story and similar ones...has pulled the wool from my eyes...shown me, that even though our sufferers love us (they may deny it to push us aside) it is not enough.

As supporters, we have no way of reading our sufferer’s mind...we don’t know if they are acting out of pure PTSD when they push us aside. If we tell our story to friends who don’t know anything about PTSD, they will mostly likely conclude; “he is a dog...run for it...he is using you”. And that hurts, because even though they have no idea, what they are talking about (how could they have) they still leave us with doubt...could they be right? Is he just using me? Has this nothing to do with his PTSD? Have I been blind? Should I run...should I stay?
I chose to believe, that they love us...that we cannot love PTSD out of them, that our love may even be “bad” for them, in the sense that some sufferers are not well enough to receive our love...they want to....but it simply adds to their stress level/sense of guilt not being able to function “in a normal relationship”...makes them feel inadequate.
So, my dear, it is time to let go of the dream....however hurtfull it may be ? and easier said that done. My best advice to you, is to keep reading people’s stories on this Forum...stories similar to yours...that is a wake up call....a reality check, if there ever was one.