General How do I stop upsetting him ? Advice needed please.

[anon1234]

I dated a sociopathic narcissist for a year, and this is the kind of b.s. he would feed me.

I am sorry you went through this. But I don’t know if this analogy is helpful in a PTSD supporters thread.

 

[scout86]

He says his professionally trained therapist says I’m a major negative issue in his life and she thinks we should break up.

Based on that, all you know is what he said he thinks the therapist said. It could be accurate. It could be a total misunderstanding. It could be he wants to end the relationship but wants to do it by making someone else responsible. It could be something else

. No therapist should ever suggest something like that, least of all knowing just one side of the story.

Most of the time, I'd agree with that, but I can think of situations where that might be exactly the thing to do. Here's the thing. Sometimes relationships involve two people who are good and decent people but the combination isn't working. Sometimes there's nothing there worth saving and you don't need a designated bad guy for that to be true. Maybe at least be open to the possibility that something like that is true?

 

[LovingH]

Based on that, all you know is what he said he thinks the therapist said. It could be accurate. It could be a total misunderstanding. It could be he wants to end the relationship but wants to do it by making someone else responsible. It could be something else

Most of the time, I'd agree with that, but I can think of situations where that might be exactly the thing to do. Here's the thing. Sometimes relationships involve two people who are good and decent people but the combination isn't working. Sometimes there's nothing there worth saving and you don't need a designated bad guy for that to be true. Maybe at least be open to the possibility that something like that is true?

I don't know any therapist who would specifically say, this person is THE problem in your life and you should break up with them.

And yes, I do think my experience w the sociopathic narcissist is relevant. He had PTSD because of childhood abuse. Did that make him any less of a sociopathic narcissist? NO. Did it make his actions of abuse towards me excusable? OF COURSE NOT.

I was emotionally abused for a year. I went to a therapist who probably WANTED to say "this guy is your problem, you should leave." But didn't. The way most therapists work is to get you to feel better about yourself..build up your self esteem. So that you recognize on your own that you should leave.

"Most of the time, I'd agree with that, but I can think of situations where that might be exactly the thing to do. Here's the thing. Sometimes relationships involve two people who are good and decent people but the combination isn't working. Sometimes there's nothing there worth saving and you don't need a designated bad guy for that to be true. Maybe at least be open to the possibility that something like that is true?"

How can any therapist know for sure that she's the main problem? Without talking to her? Without observing the dynamics of the 2 of them together? Only getting his side of the story? That's ridiculous.

 

[Ronin]

How can any therapist know for sure that she's the main problem?

We don't know it was phrased this way.

The T could just empathize with the distress in his life, trying to alleviate it because that is their job, and remark on things being a strong stressor.

It isn't judging or manipulative to suggest to a client to take a break from anyone if that should restore their peace of mind.

Double if dealing with asynchronous relationships & situations of current risk, & not just to the client. The Ts job *is* to make sure the client can function. If him stressed by the relationship affects his work, he is not functioning as well as he should / needs to, for the settings.

She is not the client of that therapist. He is.

 

[Freida]

If he said "she is the biggest stressor in my life" it would make sense for the therapist to say " what are you going to do about that stressor? "

I think the bigger question is why you are fixated on what his therapist told him. Because if your relationship was strong he would have defended why he wants to be a part of it..,not turned around and told you she said he should leave.

What she said or didn't say is less important than what he is doing with it. If my t told me hubby was unhealthy for me I would have asked how to save us. Not taken it as permission to dump him.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Ok people... let’s not get into a pissing contest about the therapist.

Keep in mind this is the supporter section.

 

[LovingH]

We don't know it was phrased this way.
.

Why YES, in fact we do, because OP said those exact words in this thread.

"He says his professionally trained therapist says I’m a major negative issue in his life and she thinks we should break up."

 

[LuckiLee]

All hearsay. No one was in the room with them.

 

[LovingH]

All hearsay. No one was in the room with them.

Talk about missing the entire point of the OP's thread...

Maybe give her the benefit of the doubt??? This is the OP's entire point. She's reporting exactly what her significant other told HER, and that's the crux of what's bothering her.

OBVIOUSLY nobody was in the room with the therapist and him. We've covered that already. The point is, he told her that's what the therapist has said.

So either the therapist is a bad therapist, or her significant other is misrepresenting what the therapist said, or lying to her..neither of which is a positive prospect.

I swear, it's like some of you will jump through hoops to defend anyone with PTSD..is this because you want to avoid your own propensities to accept abusive behavior all in the name of supporting someone with PTSD?

I thought that was NOT what this forum was about?

 

[LuckiLee]

No. I support our Military in war zones!!!

If you really want my opinion??? I don't think operators should even be in a relationship or marriage. They're married to their career at that point. Every day is trauma filled.

 

[anon1234]

I swear, it's like some of you will jump through hoops to defend anyone with PTSD..is this because you want to avoid your own propensities to accept abusive behavior all in the name of supporting someone with PTSD?

Please calm down. Most of us here have either served or are in a relationship with someone in the military. I suggested reflection since this is a ten year relationship and has its own unique set of struggles. This is not the place to project and get angry.

 

[Sweetpea76]

You know what’s not helpful? Jumping to conclusions. We don’t know where he is stationed, if he’s in a war zone, or what his therapist really said. It has nothing to do with how good/bad a therapist is or supporting the military.

What everybody is missing is that a supporter is on here upset because her partner of TEN YEARS is pulling away. This isn’t about her sufferer, it’s about her. Keep that in mind.

Keep on topic. If you don’t have anything constructive to add then think twice before posting.