General How do I stop upsetting him ? Advice needed please.

[Freida]

Sorry....I didn't mean to blather on about the therapist. I was going for the idea that this is something the two of you need to work out regardless of what other people might think or say.....even if it is a "professional"

You and he are the best judges of your relationship...so it might be worth a conversation between the two of you as to how to approach what he is thinking as a team. It doesn't matter how the thought got into his head. No matter who said what the problem is there. So how can you work it out, especially when you are in separate countries and he's possibly doing stuff he can't talk about that is stressing him out?

Maybe letting him know it bothers you but you are ok with working on it when he gets home will take some of the pressure off of both of you? That doesn't mean you are breaking up. It means setting a pause until you can work it out in a safer or less stressful place

 

[lostforgottensoul]

But this isn't something that can be solved while he is in a war zone and you are in the US. This is gonna need some counseling and some face to face work. Trying to get it figured out over the phone is probably just adding to to the problem. Maybe you can both set a couple of boundaries on what you talk about for now, and deal with the whole do we stay or do we go thing once he's home?

This!

If he's in a warzone, not only is he being traumatized again and again but his mind is in his work right now, not the relationship. I would hold off on anything, give him just a bit of space to do his thing, and then wait until he is home. If he was to talk about the relationship while there, advise him that you think it's best to wait until he's home but I would throw the idea out there to him about couples counseling and see what he thinks about it. Let him know you are here but are wanting to give him the space he needs right now.

That space will drain the stress he feels about the relationship right now. I think he may have told his therapist that the relationship was the biggest stressor because he's in a warzone actively being traumatized. If you have ever seen the PTSD stress cup anology, it would make PTSD and trauma fill the cup up, therefore any amount of stress additional is too much. If that makes sense. It can't be properly evaluated by him until he is no longer being actively traumatized. I know hearing that is upseting but hopefully understanding it from this perspective helps?

It's hard to manage a relationship long distance and very hard to work on said relatilationship but it's impossible to work on said relationship when the PTSD sufferer is in an active warzone.

Not sure if any of that made any sense. Hopefully it does and helps.

 

[Sephira]

He isn’t coming home. There is no projected return date. This is his job, every day for the last 7 years. He likes what he does. He renews the contract every time it comes up. He has a house, 4 cars there, friends, a maid. He lives in a gated community in cul de sac. There is no war zone, not for over a year. He has chosen this life. Bahrain is his home. Waiting until he decides to go bac’ to the U.K. (if ever) is at least 10 years in the future.

I don’t think that asking to not walk on eggshells is too much to ask.

And I know he is making important decisions and his job is stressful. I’ve spent 10 years learning how to avoid stressing him out. What to say and do, and what not to say and do. But lately, things have gotten really bad. He is getting more abusive and manipulative. I love him, and everything just seems to be crashing and burning.

 

[Hojay]

This thread is really hitting a nerve for me. There’s a fine line between being a supporter and being f*cking doormat for someone who uses his “stress” and mental health issues as an excuse to be an asshole. Where does the sufferer hold any responsibility, I wonder? Is anything they do a-ok because they (voluntarily, mind you) entered a high-stress situation? It’s not the supporter‘s job to stop stressing them out, mind read, tread lightly here and avoid talking about this there. Sufferers run the “take me as i am!” line all the time, but from what I see they often scream, manipulate, pout, silent treat, guilt, and threaten their supporters into changing who and what they are, then turn around and pull the mental health card. It’s not right.

@Sephira, I might be the only one on here thinking this way, but i think there’s a certain point where a ptsd forum will only further hammer in those traits and behaviors that have gotten us to this point: over-empathy, too much understanding, and superhuman patience. You owe him nothing. War vet or not, if he’s treating you like shit, PTSD has nothing to do with it.

 

[Gs172003]

He isn’t coming home. There is no projected return date. This is his job, every day for the last 7 years. He likes what he does. He renews the contract every time it comes up. He has a house, 4 cars there, friends, a maid. He lives in a gated community in cul de sac. There is no war zone, not for over a year. He has chosen this life. Bahrain is his home. Waiting until he decides to go bac’ to the U.K. (if ever) is at least 10 years in the future.

I don’t think that asking to not walk on eggshells is too much to ask.

Then why are you waiting on a man that isn't returning but is causing you stress?

 

[Sephira]

Long distance works for us now- my son is in high school. The plan is for me to move there after he graduates. We see each other. A few times a year. He’s smart, intelligent, funny, kind- and worth it. I just am trying to get through this rough patch.

 

[Gs172003]

I'm sorry but I think it's time for you to move on. If he is in no hurry to come home to you and you all are having this many problems what's the point?

ETA: I posted mine at the same time you posted yours.

Then I suggest that you all get individual counseling until you move there. Then get couples when you get there.

 

[scout86]

This thread is really hitting a nerve for me

I can understand why.

There are a lot of things that go in to making a relationship work. Or not. No one should have to walk on eggshells. It also usually doesn't work. Speaking only for myself, I have a hard time being around people when i think that's what they're doing. I can't trust them because the only thing I'm sure of is that they're behavior isn't genuine.

When things aren't working, it seems like there are 3 options. 1) Change things so they DO work. 2) Decide to live with them as they are. 3) Get out. And that applies to all concerned. I really don't think anyone has to be wrong for a relationship not to work. Some relationships just aren't the right combination of people at the right time.

For a relationship to work, it seems like all parties involved have to want it to work. It's clear that the OP wants this relationship to work. I'm not so sure that the other party does and I guess I'd start by asking him.

 

[Ronin]

But lately, things have gotten really bad.

Ok, so with him basically too far to give you & kid much in terms of support, & only stressing you out... What kind of support do you need from anyone else but him to keep going / that would help you with what he's done so far?

Wondering since even if there isn't services perfectly tailored to your situation, you might find enough of close to home things to make a workable net from. So thinking of what is the starting place, you needing the most, now.

 

[Freida]

nce. You owe him nothing. War vet or not, if he’s treating you like shit, PTSD has nothing to do with it.

Agreed. I could have sympathy for him if it was a year or so out and he was trying to get past his ptsd and you guys were struggling thru a bad patch. Which is what I thought you were describing. But he's choosing to stay away and blaming you for how he feels? Gotta agree with @Hojay --that's not ptsd. That's someone taking you for granted.

Youve been asking about what he wants. What about what you want? Is this situation worth your future? Because it seems like you are doing all the work. Maybe the question should he be what is he doing to keep YOU happy and not the other way around? 10 years is a huge investment...and him being a great guy most the time counts. But is it enough if you have to always be on guard to not upset him?

No idea if this is even possible but can you do couple counseling via skype? Maybe that could get you back on track?

 

[joeylittle]

Sufferers: before posting on this thread, read this post from @Sweetpea76.

Here - I'll quote it for you.

You know what’s not helpful? Jumping to conclusions. We don’t know where he is stationed, if he’s in a war zone, or what his therapist really said. It has nothing to do with how good/bad a therapist is or supporting the military.

What everybody is missing is that a supporter is on here upset because her partner of TEN YEARS is pulling away. This isn’t about her sufferer, it’s about her. Keep that in mind.

Keep on topic. If you don’t have anything constructive to add then think twice before posting.

Keep on-topic. The OP is the topic. I've started thread-banning, and it will continue.

Re-read this.

 

[SweetPainfulLoving]

It is so hard to make decisions in a vacuum, or when we don't feel like we have all of the relevant information. But, unfortunately, sometimes that is what we are stuck with. When you partner pushes you away or disappears it can hurt so much and be so confusing...especially when you feel that all you have done is loved them with your entire being and supported them....not to mention if you feel you have compromised who you are or what you need along the way.
All you want to know is why? What happened?
We beat ourselves up...
What did I do wrong? What could I have done differently? Am I giving up on someone who I could be happy with? What do I need to do to make this better? How can I convince this person that I love them and we belong together?
But this is not helpful or fair to us. Relationships are two-way streets and the other person has to want to be in the relationship and put in as much effort (and, in the case of someone with PTSD, there is even more effort and work that they have to be willing to do). What it really comes down to is....what if nothing changes? Is this the type of relationship that I want to be in? Am I happy? Am I getting my needs met? Do I feel safe, loved and respected? Are they there for us when we need them like we are there for them? Is there give and take or am I always giving and they are taking? If I am in the exact same position 1 year, 3 years, 10 years from now, how will I feel?

Give yourself some of the kindness and empathy that you have given to your partner over the last 10 years.
It is time to put yourself first.
You do not need to make any quick decisions here.
You do need to do what is best for you and your child.