Relationship He stopped communication; will he come back?

[AllConfused]

I read through a lot of these stories and it sounds just like mine. Intense short-term, pushed hard by sufferer.

What are the chances of a man who is a vet with ptsd returning to me, after having stopped all communication with me? He has not blocked nor removed me.

I have no idea what is going on in his head. We didn’t have a breakup...we just stopped talking. While he said he wanted to continue our relationship, his actions didn’t match. He became very distant; completely unemotional unlike how he used to shower me with love and attention. He said he didn’t want space; he didn’t want to be left alone; he still loves me; but his actions spoke otherwise...made me feel like he stopped caring, that I was chasing him and bothering him by initiating all contact...so I decided to leave him alone and he didn’t bother to contact me. It’s been 2 weeks. I got 2 cold messages during this time, which I answered warmly and that was it. I then reached out to him 2x and he hasn’t responded. Literally, our last conversation was of him telling me he wants to work things out and be like how we used to be, that I’ll never know how much he cares for me.

I’ve never experienced such a thing in my entire life and in order to find answers, I remember he’s a vet serving 8 years in Afghanistan with ptsd. We had one conversation about his night terrors and how he hardly sleeps. So here I am, trying to understand what happened when he won’t tell me himself. I reached out for closure; no response. This was before it occurred to me that his PTSD may be affecting us. It seems he’s only isolating from me.

Any insight will be greatly appreciated! Thank you so much!

 

[WTF Happened]

Just wanted to validate your feelings and say yes, this is a familiar story told on here and I'm very sorry you're going through it.

 

[Sweetpea76]

I know it’s scary and frustrating when you’re new to all this. It’s all very confusing... I wish I could give you odds or an answer, but really there is no sure way of knowing what’s going on in his head.

 

[AllConfused]

Thank you for your responses.

I should just let go completely, shouldn’t I? It seems like it will be a fruitless uphill battle.

He just seemed so emotionally stable when we first started. I saw no red flags.

Got into a couple argument and things deteriorated.

Did he stop caring? Does he even miss me?

He said it was the most intensely intimate relationship he’s ever had, and that he’s never met anyone he could share so much of himself with like he does with me. But now his silence is deafening...screaming at me that he stopped caring.

Do they ever regret losing someone?

 

[Sweetpea76]

Sure they do... and sometimes they don’t. That’s probably more a personality thing than a PTSD thing.

How long did you date?

 

[WTF Happened]

Thank you for your responses.

I should just let go completely, shouldn’t I? It seems like it will be a fruitless uphill battle.

He just seemed so emotionally stable when we first started. I saw no red flags.

Got into a couple argument and things deteriorated.

Did he stop caring? Does he even miss me?

He said it was the most intensely intimate relationship he’s ever had, and that he’s never met anyone he could share so much of himself with like he does with me. But now his silence is deafening...screaming at me that he stopped caring.

This is eerie. You are almost describing word-for-word my experience with my ex-girlfriend.

The thing that seems to make the biggest difference is whether or not they are in treatment. It seems to be a common refrain here, especially among sufferers: there's no such thing as a healthy relationship when untreated PTSD is involved.

There's absolutely no predicting how it will all shake out with you, but my experience was that once her feelings turned off and she abruptly ejected, that was it. During the two years of radio silence I liked to think to myself that there was some regret - not for her choices, necessarily, but for hurting someone she supposedly loved once. But I recently reached out over email for some overdue closure, and got such a cold and defensive response that you'd think I was the one who emotionally f*cked with her (for background, I couldn't have been more patient and compassionate and gave her plenty of space) .

She didn't just not regret it, she didn't think she did anything wrong -- in fact, there almost seemed to be a bit of amnesia, whether intentional or not, where she didn't even address the crazy-making behavior. Felt like gaslighting. Not only that, but she is also in complete denial of her own issues. I mean, before she went emotionally numb two years ago she even acknowledged the deep trauma that was causing her so much pain. If you were to go by her email, she's totally fine.

All of this to say: my experience, your experience, it doesn't make any sense. And I implore you not to try and make sense of it. That's the thing about mental illness, it just doesn't make sense.

 

[AllConfused]

Wow that sounds like a bad dream WTFHappened...I’m really sorry you went through this. I have a feeling mine feels the same way as yours does...that he didn’t do anything wrong.

I admire that you still reached out after 2 years! For me, I don’t think I’ll ever reach out again...I’ll be around should he ever want to talk and I’m hoping a little one day he’ll snap out of it and see the value in what we had.

I just don’t understand the words he said, not wanting to lose me, and yet he does the exact things to push me so far away, beyond what my boundaries will allow.

I’m choosing to walk away because there is no other choice. I just don’t understand why he couldn’t communicate what he was unhappy with, if he wanted to end things, if he wanted me to give him space.

Do you think this the right thing to do? Sometimes I think he was trying playing hard to get, and wanted me to chase him to prove my love, bc he was hurt that I wanted us to take breaks when we were arguing daily over silly things. I’m not really sure anymore. I haven’t ever felt so unsure about anything.

He said he is controlling, but never acted that way with me. Maybe his silence is now punishment. I’ll never know.

And yes, you’re right. Nothing makes sense when I think about it. Your post has helped me a lot! Thank you so much for sharing with me.

 

[WTF Happened]

I just don’t understand why he couldn’t communicate what he was unhappy with, if he wanted to end things, if he wanted me to give him space.

I have no idea what your boyfriend is going through, but I do know that when PTSD symptoms are activated, communicating his feelings to someone else is not even on their radar. First of all, they might not even understand their feelings themselves. Second, all of their energy and resources are going towards taking care of themselves. Things like common decency and respect towards people who care about them are just not applicable at this point. It's all about survival.

I've read a number of good analogies re: this on the forum, but one of the best is: think of it like he's drowning and you want to have a conversation with him. He can't talk right now - he needs every ounce of energy to keep from going under. (I saved that quote in my Notes app but didn't save who wrote it, so hat tip to the author!)

Sometimes I think he was trying playing hard to get, and wanted me to chase him to prove my love

This is just a general rule of how I live my life... if someone wants to play games and run to see if I'll chase after them, they can keep on running. A bit of sly tension in the early going is okay, but ultimately I want my partner to act like a grown up. Funnily (sadly?) enough, something my ex and I spoke about in the good times was that we never wanted the other person to have to wonder where they were at in the relationship. Open communication about feelings. I think that's just emotional IQ. Like my ex, it sounds like yours probably demonstrated signs of being very emotionally intelligent, so it makes this all the more shocking.

I’m choosing to walk away because there is no other choice... Do you think this the right thing to do?

I do think this is the right thing to do. And like you say, there is no other choice. Whether it's a PTSD or relationship with a neurotypical person, the most sane thing we can do is allow the other person to be who they are and make their own choices. It's also the most loving thing to do.

I highly recommend you get a therapist for yourself. Mine has been more supportive than I could possibly describe, and has been able to provide excellent feedback from her perspective as a mental health professional as to what she sees happening. It's been incredibly validating and has helped me to not feel like I'm crazy, not to mention the growth that I've got to experience as a person.

 

[Tinyflame]

Hi @Grunny welcome to you.

I think the only person who knows closest to what they are feeling is the person themself. Their motivation might be to illicit a response- or the absolute opposite, to get away (that does not mean from 'you', personally, they just can't stay or keep it up).

Do they ever regret losing someone?

Not so much, originally, but it really takes a lot of work and self-awareness. The only one I 1st missed was abusive, but even that was all mind games on his part. The very good one, yes, but I still left. A couple in between (I missed). But I never understood there would/ could be any impact on them for me to leave. I still don't think there was, though I wonder when I hear accidentally that they have still asked (others) about me.

All I know is, and I don't say this for myself, but in general, I think the rule book has to go out the window, and it's wisest to follow your own heart, when it comes to knowing what to do or not (I'm sorry I know that's not helpful, the drowning analogy is a pretty good one. At least on the cusp of drowning.). My parents seemed to manage it. But all the while making sure your needs are met, since if they are needs, and are not, it won't bring you happiness, anyway. And remember ptsd is not an excuse for anything, and is only parallel to a person's character, priorities and personality/ faults and strengths, etc.

 

[AllConfused]

Oh wtfhappened, your words resonate so well with me. Thank you again for taking the time to respond.

I think the lack of empathy is the issue here. Perhaps both of ours felt threatened, in danger, thus they lost empathy for us and fled. Both acted based on what each wanted and felt good during the relationships, rather than from a love for us, care of how their actions could hurt us.

I know my combat vet needed to not have empathy to take the lives of so many in the face of danger.

He is not in any kind of therapy so it’s untreated.

I guess we both dodged a bullet.

Junebug!

Your post makes a lot of sense. I think he’s trying to illicit a response from me as he has mentioned that he’s controlling, of himself and of others and always gets what he wants. But I have decided that this isn’t up to my relationship standards and won’t ever reach out again, no matter how much I miss him or have the urge to contact him.

Everyday gets better for me.

Thank you!

 

[Tinyflame]

Good @Grunny, I am glad you are hanging in there! :hug:

Only speaking for me, but if I'm experiencing a spike in symptoms, the last thing I would be trying to do is 'get' anything (including a response), only get relief/ make it stop. I can't say for others, but I'm way too 'in it' ('it' being the past, literally) to make sense reasonably of the present.

As an aside, it occurred to me, part of my mind/ response/ belief seems to include 'solve it quickly', in terms of whatever pain or fear is present. I actually need other input, or I will, because I feel internally required to 'do something', yet what I'm doing isn't necessarily properly applicable to the present. Not good if one's stress cup is overflowing or the pain or fear is too great. The only exception is a flashback- I 'know' that's not 'now' (eventually), so it's useful to learn from. But often the symptoms have me in their control, not the other way around. :(

But, he is 'himself', so what applies to him may be different entirely.

 

[AllConfused]

@Junebug, it’s been 2ish weeks already; he’s still fleeing? I have already written my last message that I will move on 2 weeks ago. There’s no need to get away anymore, no?