@WTF Happened and
@AllConfused I apologize in advance for what is likely to be the length of this (TLDR), but I don't have the ability (a lifetime of no practice) in expressing what I think or feel without just honestly answering questions. Even now Idk if 20 hours (or 20 min) from now I might feel somewhat differently (because I am reminded of something else). And that is something relevant now, and I suspect was too in the past: what thoughts/ reminders/ triggers were on my mind, affected how I felt, how I viewed the relationship, and went back to what conclusions I drew. Bear in mind though, this is just me and everyone is different. Tbh I'm only answering because I promised, because thinking back has left me feeling in a negative way/ not preferable- shame, guilt, sadness, etc.
Talking about the good relationships. If you were able to get to a point where you can look back on the decisions you made at the time, realize they were mostly a response to symptoms you were experiencing, and take an objective look at that relationship and realize, hey, that was actually a really healthy relationship... why not go back? Who knows where your ex would be at and i why not reach out for at least some kind of reconciliation if this was a good person who cared about?
I quoted most of your post ^^ because it contains so many 'milestones' and senses of safety, as it were, that perhaps is taken for granted everyone has. Addressing the above in order I did not because:
-I thought each symptom was further proof I was crazy, or incapable. I also didn't want to hurt anyone, but especially a good person, so in owning the reality I tried to do things to 'fix' each problem, and hide the ones that were really frightening (flashbacks; SI). (I'll add the caveat after addressing poor coping strategies: drinking, gambling, self-harm etc etc). All the while meeting responsibilities of a 'normal' (sic) life, and the things/ expectations/ dreams/ goals that people who have the luxury to pursue, do. But really I was trying to survive.
-The relationships were really not 'safe', or I did not feel they were/ By that I do not mean some were not good people- or even great people, just that I was left with the bottom line conclusion I could not/ would not disclose to almost all of them virtualll anything. I can't remember entirely, except little things: one guy used to turn up the music, and dance (even in public, which I liked :laugh: ), to 'Lean on Me', on the radio. But I distinctly remembered feeling consoled but even more so, "What is he 'getting', since I haven't revealed much? :suspicious emojii: So that screamed (to me) Get Away (from me). Another guy said, "I love how you are so positive, and how I had a shirt Obstacles Are Stepping Stones (written in print the size of a plum, btw- I just liked the collar of the shirt/ was comfortable. These teenie tiny things I remember. And again, I just felt OMG, if only you knew. Though I also felt I was entitled to zero empathy. In fact, I was pretty sure I was next-best-thing to a murderer, for what I failed to do and who died because of it. So, a ticking Dumb bomb which would hurt others, also. I do think a lot of people with ptsd have a sense of great guilt.
-I did not know what an entirely 'healthy' relationship could look like, given I would have to be 1/2 of the equation. Then add in guilt, shame, and an absolute sense of a fore-shortened future, and I never thought of such a thing. Also, I did not think someone could love me. Even if they thought they did they had no idea who I was, or my history.
As a caveat I always thought the worst one(s) were the ones I returned to for that reason, but it's not entirely. 'Being me', I invested in them and believed in what I thought was their capacity for love, connection, loyalty, kindness, and frankly, I was wrong, at least for that between us. Also, a lack of desire to be reminded of the past.
I guess the biggest part was feeling unsafe, really, or an inability/ incapacity to deliver what they wanted, when they wanted it. And on my part, terrible fear. And also very few instances of acceptance or forgiveness that weren't followed by an expectation or demand of something.
Idk if that helps? There's likely alot more but atm I can't recall. If it's any consolation, the 'good' ones were still 'good noes' to me, though I think I am happy more for them they ended up with someone else (likely, I hope so). I have no regrets because they didn't know me (I wouldn't allow it), and I did not have a deep sense of connection or safety of any kind.
he told me he was checking the news daily to make sure I was safe; that he needed to know I was safe. I found this sweet at the time, but I had no idea it was hyper-vigilance
To me hypervigilance 'proper' is more about something I can control. But it may be fearing death/ loss of loved. ones. So arming you with pepper spray to me would be hypervigilance, or seeing you off at the airport, whereas checking if you are still alive would be fear-based. (But I could be wrong with that).
ptsd is a hidden disease that most people have no idea about.
^^ Exactly. I simply thought that I was turning in to my father?, who Idk if he had it or not, but by everything I know about it exemplified it to a T, and I know of several Criterion A traumas he went through (technically). But I will never know because he wasn't diagnosed.
All of this emotionally mess for me was due to the fact that there was no break up and no good bye as he promised me he would not ever do.
Then why not listen to him? ^^ Is he trustworthy? Have you seen or experienced evidence he is not?
. But no every time I said his actions seem like he wants to end things, he’d deny them up and down and that he didn’t ever want to lose me and said he wanted to work it through. Yet now he’s gone silent. It makes no sense.
^^ I'll try to say this kindly- it makes no sense if you have an expectation (based on past experience with him or others) that there shouldn't be a lull in communication. Was it not Memorial Day there, for example, just recently? (And there are 'personal 'Memorial Days' no one knows about, unless shared).
I felt like it was just done for me so I wrote him and asked if he had some time for a chat for closure, or if he didn’t want to, I’ll take his silence as closure. He never responded and it’s been exactly 14 days so it’s clear to me that he doesn’t want to speak anymore, and that in my world is a “break up”.
It may be clearer to you than him, because you just tried to manipulate him in to responding: aka answer in 14 days or it's over. I don't mean that unkindly, you were very sad and needed that. But were it me, if I didn't or couldn't answer, I'd just think it's over (take you at your word). And then think, well that's better for you, anyway. Because (I) bared my heart and you have no patience with me- which you shouldn't (I would think).
I will say a caveat though, sometimes people don't mean what they say, or mean it beyond the moment. Because it's so difficult for me to say anything, generally speaking I totally mean it (or why say it?) Also my memory isn't any good and manipulation or rote things I maybe 'should' say I can't, so I just say what's true for me, from a deep place. Then I never have to remember anything, nor be disingenuous.
I also want to add, and this is just my belief- I have felt for decades (my whole life, as I can recall)- my happiness, and emotional regulation are up to me. Yes I can be provoked, etc, but the onus is on me. That being said however, as a person who knew I was very vulnerable, worst the last 15 years when I ran out of ways to cope, losses accumulated and more traumatic things occurred, and can't help to be somewhat childlike, but I also can't help but avoiding what/ who might bring more pain upon myself. That includes pain they cause me, or pain I cause them.
I’m not strong enough to be with a man like this. I can’t handle miscommunication and misunderstanding so I don’t feel I can have a long term relationship with him unless he gets treated to manage it.
That is fair and good self-awareness. But getting treated won't magically bring on good communication skills, or necessarily address things like attachment issues, etc, either. And trust is built, not manufactured. Further to this, as Friday said:
Some of them haven’t spent a night apart since they were married. Others spend 6mo apart without blinking an eye. It’s the lining up of the individual needs/wants of each couple that makes their marriages work.
As people who had to manage months apart, but not out of ideal choice, I recall my mom (who was the stable, hope-filled, better-balanced non-ptsd partner) saying if she hadn't learned to letter-write their marriage would have tanked. (Even then I thought, she had to give more even with that? -OMG. :( )
there is a possibility he thinks we’re still together? It’s not possible as I said I needed closure and want to do my part before walking away. I even wrote that if he wanted to cut ties then his silence says it all and I will respect it. I don’t see how he could still think we’re together.
If he took you at your word I don't see how either. But you see, if I said it I would mean it. But, it's ok 'to' mean it. In fact, I say it 'for' others, which apparently I'm supposed to trust they can think for themselves, and I was told long ago would be quick to tell me to F Off were that the case. But, you see, because most people didn't break up with me, I feel in good conscience it's my obligation to protect them, that they don't realize now but they will come to regret it. Also I myself find it hard to not believe interpersonal relationships don't end in pain. But, to trust (anyone) means just that. Also I have experienced greaqt rejection in my FOO. I figure, if even my family, who knows me better, finds me unlovable, well..
Oh ya, and compounding the problem is I'm an introvert people think is an extrovert, 'who doesn't have the capacity to be depressed'. :( Which I'd rather have them think, tbh. My only, and I do mean only, saving grace is I actually like or care for, people and their stories/ true selves- more than I like myself.
