Okay. I think we should tread gently here, in regards to how we express our opinions and our feelings. The best thing, for me, about this forum (aside from how much I have learned) is that everyone has been so positive and supportive. I stopped feeling so alone. I never felt judged. Advice has been given....always from the best of places and with the best of intentions. The supporter area of this website is vital for those of us who could not get a grasp of our relationships, who could not figure out how best to navigate them, who were confused about the push-pull dynamic, and who did not understand why they are so devastating to us or why we simply couldn't move on from them like other relationships. I LOVE hearing from sufferers because they often shed light on issues for supporters in a way that only they can (and after 5 years I still have SO many questions). But, we are looking at these relationships from 2 different sides (again this is speaking from my strictly supporter side - yes, I am a 'mini' sufferer here...more on that later). We know that PTSD causes symptoms and that those symptoms can affect intimate relationships (yes, of course in addition to all the nonPTSD stuff). Some relationships are longer than others but they can still be intense and sometimes damaging (for both parties).
I do not think it wise to judge another person or their relationship. Yes, of course, everything we think and feel is based on our own experiences and all of the reading we have done and the effort we have put into educating ourselves, but that doesn't make our opinions right. We are not professional therapists. And sometimes our opinions may hurt or upset another person.....and we all need to understand that no one on this forum intends to do that.
I was married to a narcissist for 14 years (with him for 17 years and clueless for much of them) and had 3 children with him. Believing 'marriage is forever' and because of my children, I worked so very hard for a very long time to try and maintain that marriage and that relationship. But, in the end, when it desolved it was more of a relief. I NEVER wanted to be with him again. I NEVER questioned myself. I was NEVER jealous of his girlfriend (the one he had before our marriage was actually over). I didn't want to be anywhere near him. I 'got over it' as I think most people do of most long term relationships....and there was a lot of emotional abuse and financial abuse to deal with. It sucked but I was 'okay' ( I think anyway, LOL).
I was in a relationship with my sufferer (who was also a narcissist - so, again, I have not experienced 'typical' but I can speak for how I felt at the end of a relationship with a narc versus someone with PTSD who also happened to be a narc) for 5 years off and on (more off than on near the end for sure) and I can tell you that the PAIN and the DEVASTATION and the QUESTIONS left unanswered and the TRAUMA that I experienced from that relationship is NOTHING compared to what I had in a relationship that was more than 3 times longer and involved 3 children of the marriage. It was INTENSE. We had one MASSIVE connection. I literally felt ADDICTED to him. We were trauma bonded. And when the breakups occurred they never made sense. I was so confused. I blamed myself. I questioned myself. My self-esteem tanked. I felt so foolish and stupid (and I am a highly intelligent, strong, independent woman).... more so because I kept forgiving all of it and trying to make it work again and again and again and again and again)!!!!
It was a whole different ballgame, one unlike any I had ever played in my life, and I had no idea what the rules were. Every time he disappeared it was brutal and I was back to getting over him all over again (although, granted, I thought I was doing that better and faster until the other woman and the final discard).
I have judged myself....harshly.....in the past (still do) when it comes to WHY I put up with the behaviour I did from my 2 narcs and when I compare my truama(s) to my sufferer's traumas (and others on this site - and maybe all of this is why I identify myself more as a supporter than a sufferer). Why was it easier to get over my marriage then the relationship with my sufferer? Why could I not just forget him and move on? Why did it reverberate through my entire being? Why did I allow myself to be stripped of my power? Why could I not just move on? I KNEW that it was not a good relationship. I KNEW I wasn't happy. I KNEW it was not something that was going to change. FFS just 'get over him' ALREADY (I screamed that one out loud a few times)!!!
If only it were that simple.
Being in a relationship with someone with PTSD can be devastating and that alone can lead to that supporter developing PTSD.
We know this. Does 5 months or 5 years or 50 years of being in that relationship matter? That is like saying I only experienced one (recurrent, yes, but 1....'minimal' and nonviolent) real trauma in my life (CSA) so I am not as much of a victim and I should not be as affected as someone who has sustained multiple violent attacks (and, don't get me wrong....that is a HUGE issue for me....acknowledging my 'itty bitty' trauma as something significant in any way). I feel GUILT for it maybe affecting me when some of the sufferers/survivors here have had to deal with SOOOOOOO much more. I can minimize it as much as I want to , but it doesn't change the fact that it happened to me and, no matter what I tell myself or other people, it has had an affect on me.
So I would like to thank all of you for never making me feel judged or belittled....even when I first came on this website and told you my 'story' and some of you KNEW immediately that it was a toxic, unhealthy relationship that was NOT going to last and I should RUN from it....because I stayed for years and I ended up exactly where some of you knew I would. No one here ever made me feel like an ass or that my experience was less important than anyone else's.
Sorry for the rambling (I'm not sure how much of that made sense), but you guys have given me a lot of love and hope and I just want everyone who reaches out to have the same feeling of support when they are on this forum. Because we can ALL benefit from it and it is huge. HUGE!
Peace H
