Trouble Believing I Deserve Things

[brokenchild]

It might be the case that you're focusing too much on "deserving" and "not deserving." In reality, these things are illusory. If someone "deserves" something, that means that someone sees fit to give them something. There are no objective standards for deserving, only our own capricious, human standards.

I don't know what your background is, but judging from your screen name, am I out of line in assuming you were verbally abused? Maybe told you "didn't deserve" something? If that's the case, then you associated "deserving" with "getting." As an adult, you're still trying to prove yourself worthy of having your needs met, when in reality, it's just a matter of getting what you need and trying to meet your own standards, not someone else's.

I know I focus too much on deserving and not deserving, but I can't seem to not focus on it.

My background includes physical, sexual, emotional/psychological abuse as well as being trafficked for sex. I was punished in various ways for doing things, or not doing things, when I did/didn't deserve to do them. If I ate without permission, I would be punished, same goes for drinking, showering, going to the bathroom, etc. Now I think I have to "earn" food, water, showers, etc.

 

[emmat]

This has been getting to me lately.

I realised that it doesn't even cross my mind that I can eat if I'm hungry, drink if I'm thirsty, take pain killers if I hurt unless someone else is around. I can look at my OH and think - I bet he needs lunch but it doesn't even occur to me to me to eat even when I've neglected to eat for more than a day. Unless I am ensuring someone else has their needs met I just don't seem to realise/ believe I have the right to any comfort (even on the most basic level) and that scares me more than I can describe.

 

[Tinyflame]

I forget like that frequently too, except for the painkillers, but by then it's unbearable.

 

[SafeAllAlone]

I feel as if I don't deserve things and when I get something, I feel guilt for a long time. Ashamed that I wanted something for myself......

I couldn't afford the electric bill and my power was turned off. I felt I deserved this so I lived without until I could find a job to start making payments. Friends were concerned and contacted a place that helped me get my power back on. I'm very thankful because cold showers and no fridge is really hard.......but now I feel so guilty and ashamed that I couldn't pay it myself and that the organization helped me when they could have helped others instead.

How do you accept that it's ok to enjoy things for yourself?

 

[Tinyflame]

Hard to say, I did the same thing with birthdays (presents). Think it probably contributes to lousy or virtually non-existent self-care, too.

And yet reading your post, it's so easy to see from the other side how you shouldn't feel ashamed at all. Perhaps we're so used to feeling ashamed anything that starts making us feel ashamed, including not doing it 'ourself' (and maybe that's why we often don't talk about things, and also feel ashamed to ask for help), maybe we're so used to shame it just is the only way we can view it. The ony way we're used to thinking/ feeling/ living.

 

[WhiteNoise]

I know this very well. I told my friends not to give me presents. Not for Birthday, not for other reasons, never. Because receiving something without doing something for it hurts. The more I like someone, the more it hurts. No matter what it is.

I often feel like I don't deserve anything. Sometimes even friendly words can make me feel like I don't deserve them. Same with someone helping me. I can not ask for help. The more I like someone, the less I can ask for help.

I sometimes feel like I don't deserve to buy something I would like to buy. This is strange, because I do earn my money myself. With food its is only part the feeling, that I don't deserve it. I think I have to do something useful, and therefore no time to eat. When I worked a lot and with some success, I do have less trouble with it. But I often forget to eat when I am busy. So I often don't eat enough. It has some other reasons, too.

This is some very weird inferiority complex. I do not feel worthless. But I am not worth the effort of others. I know that to give an receiving is an important part of social interaction. Refusing the receive part is not beneficial. If I am only doing something for others, they start to despise me. I tend to put more effort in what I do for others, than for myself, too. Its an easy way to get exploited. I know it, but I can't feel it. There is always a bad feeling if I receive something without earning it somehow.

 

[anni]

I'd love to know what that is too, Whitenoise. I know what you're talking about, to the point of not liking to use the words 'I' and 'me' when writing here. I have been forcing myself to in the last few months because not doing it was flirting with getting an infraction for not writing clear sentences, I am sure. It's the 'me' thing-just feels awful. I'm dreadful at receiving anything-gifts, compliments, efforts of others because quite simply do not feel it's at all deserved. Saying that to anyone just invites a chorus of 'Oh no, it's ok, you're fine' so you get really, really good at manipulating attention away from yourself, I know.

My T tells me pretty much everything comes down to self worth, self esteem, self dislike, all of the above, which sounds like a no-brainer but the thing is that knowing that is a little scary, really. It kind of means it's fixable and the way it's fixable is by figuring out how to like ourselves bit by bit. I don't know about you, but I don't even know who on earth the likable me is. My T did point out, and he GOT me, that we would not be in therapy, or places like here in the forum, if something in us did not feel we were somewhat worth the effort of healing. He's good, isn't he?

I hope this did not in the least come across as pontificating, or preaching. The whole self-worth thing is just rather close to home. I hope yours is a little better today!

Anni

 

[Iam]

I understand White Noise though my reasons my differ somewhat. I don't feel worthless either. I have a hard time receiving because it makes me feel vulnerable. Growing up and still in my adult years with my mother there have always been strings attached to receiving anything. In fact my husband is only now just learning to give me a compliment without taking it back by making some stupid joke after he says it. I do not trust people's motivation for giving me anything, materialistic, help or kind words. Receiving help is the hardest of these, but I don't know why.

A good friend often reminds me that my not asking for help hurts her and she knows not to push into my space to force the issue. Although sometimes, I really wish that she would just come over and pull me out of my shell and start doing whatever it is that I am avoiding. She says I am stealing the joy she gets when she is allowed to help. When I do allow someone to help me I either feel afraid of what it will mean in the future or guilty for taking up their time and effort. Stupid, I enjoy helping others, why can't I let them enjoy helping me?

Thank you for posting this. Maybe that is a goal that I need to work on.

 

[Tinyflame]

What stopped me with the 'present-business', or at least I hid it better, was seeing how it hurt my mom's feelings, once. Then I thought, it's not about me, but her, or anyone else who wants to do it. And if they get a kick out of it (like I do, for them) then that is selfish of me. JMHO as regards myself.

 

[anni]

There's a good point, Junebug! I never thought of it that way at ALL!!

 

[Artista]

So difficult to receive.... its just uncomfortable. Especially a compliment. Guilt and circumstances associated with it make me uneasy. AND I know it... so hard to switch that! Hope to get better with it. Rewiring is tough.

My T is always saying.... what would you say to your best friend? Say that to you! Still hard but true.

 

[Sammy]

I am in the process of trying to write a resume and cover letters to "sell" myself and get a job. Let me tell you, when the lady tried to explain to me the kinds of things I should write, my brain went blank. Couldn't think. I know I am good at what I do, but I can't write it. I can't say what is good or why someone should hire me. It is an odd combination of "I know I can do this" and "I can't write that! I'll never be able to live up to those expectations!" My mind simply shuts down when it comes to making myself look good. Stops. Goes blank. It is entirely frustrating.