Trouble Believing I Deserve Things

[LSNP]

I can sure relate. If I don't accomplish something... I feel like dirt. I MUST get things done or I am depressed and filled with self-loathing. It becomes a cycle, because the more you self-loathe, the less you feel like getting anything at all accomplished.

 

[LSNP]

I think everybody who has gone through the helpless victim cycle is prone to feeling undeserving. It's part of the entire disorder. I keep circling back to find solace and comfort in my abusers..... but it is getting better. Got back with my ex again.... and drew a boundary today. Within two days... a record for me. He, of course, couldn't stand the boundary... not from ME, of all people. And so it stands, broken up again.... but only two days worth of it this time.

I guess that means I am getting better? Or what? Dunno.

 

[brokenchild]

So difficult to receive.... its just uncomfortable. Especially a compliment. Guilt and circumstances associated with it make me uneasy. AND I know it... so hard to switch that! Hope to get better with it. Rewiring is tough.

My T is always saying.... what would you say to your best friend? Say that to you! Still hard but true.

I am TERRIBLE with compliments. I'll say "thank you" but I'm thinking "yeah right." I always think people are just trying to make me feel better about myself since I am so obviously defective.

I am in the process of trying to write a resume and cover letters to "sell" myself and get a job. Let me tell you, when the lady tried to explain to me the kinds of things I should write, my brain went blank. Couldn't think. I know I am good at what I do, but I can't write it. I can't say what is good or why someone should hire me. It is an odd combination of "I know I can do this" and "I can't write that! I'll never be able to live up to those expectations!" My mind simply shuts down when it comes to making myself look good. Stops. Goes blank. It is entirely frustrating.

VERY frustrating. I normally have someone help me with it because I don't want to "lie, even though on some level I know it's not lying. I have very little good to say about myself, that I believe anyway.

I can sure relate. If I don't accomplish something... I feel like dirt. I MUST get things done or I am depressed and filled with self-loathing. It becomes a cycle, because the more you self-loathe, the less you feel like getting anything at all accomplished.

YES!! Exactly. If I don't get ABC done, then I can't do XYZ. And obviously if I can't do ABC, then I can't do DEF. It just cycles and soon I am not eating or drinking because I have done nothing to deserve it.

As horrible as it is that you all can relate, it really is nice to know I'm not alone. Trying to explain this to my therapist is like talking to a wall. He says that "thoughts are just thoughts." Yeah, that doesn't really help, at all. Maybe they are "just thoughts" now, but before they were rules that were punishable by beating or some other painful methods.