Processing Trauma without Talking about it

[Lslb]

This Is something I struggle with as well. I can’t talk about a certain aspect of my traumas and I’m not sure I ever will. I agree with the posts above when they mention talking around the feelings and emotions rather than the actual trauma.

One thing my t did with me was asked me to draw 2 circles. The top one was to identify the percentage that I felt I was responsible for - ie he did this because I did x,y, z. I started with I felt ? Responsible.

The second circle was then questions like how much did his bad childhood co tribute to the person he was - could that have contributed to violent behaviour... was he bullied in school, what about the area he grew up in .... this may seem silly but it took the focus off how everything was my fault there were other contributing factors. Once I learned to accept that (and it took a while) I started being able to differentiate what I was taking responsibility for. I still haven’t got there yet and there are days when I think and few if only I had done .... but it’s a start xxx.

 

[The Albatross]

I have things that I have never discussed... not with a shrink, not on the forum, not with mentors/sponsors but hit the major stuff and left it at that. When stuff bubbles up, I ground myself in my choice and either act or reaffirm/accept it.

I felt for myself it was better to choose functionality than chase the "pie in the sky" "healing" since my prognosis was in the lowest for recovery. I don't regret the decision although I didn't get the blue ribbon/halo/award for the pronouncement of being healed. I'm okay with it considering the $$$ expense, time and efforts it would have taken away from my home/relationships/family.

 

[joeylittle]

Hes told me repeatedly that I don’t have to tell him the details in order to process this.

You asked what this would look like. For me, it's like this...I'm going to use cooking as an analogy, even though it's a pretty weak comparison. There are multiple levels of narrative in any series of events.

1. I made chicken noodle soup.
2. I made chicken noodle soup. Vegetables, chicken, salt/pepper, put it in a pot with noodles.
3. This is how I made chicken noodle soup: Dice the vegetables, (etc....)
4. I wanted to make chicken noodle soup. First, I went to the pantry to see what ingredients I already had, (etc.)

That's just one example. You could use something like this to get clarification from your T. Mine, he'd say he could work with just number 1, above. We've done that. I will say that it's a bit of a trick, because it's likely that you will find it becomes possible to give more detail once you've desensitized yourself to the very top level of something (if that makes sense).

I think there are two problems. One is that by writing it, typing it, or saying it, that will make it more real. Now it’s just an image that runs through my head. Getting it out means really acknowledging it happened. I’m scared of the feelings that will come with that.

I can validate that - you're describing your fear extremely well, and it's something I really identify with. You sort of gave yourself a way to solve this, here:

Maybe the issue is partly how to keep myself better grounded. I get sucked back into that memory really easily. Maybe it’s grounding that is the problem?

Two suggestions: one, you can work with your therapist on your current fears around the feelings that you're afraid of unleashing. Taking that stuff apart with some cognitive work could help a lot. Also - you can work with them on sharpening your grounding skills. I think it's smart to have what I'd call an appropriate amount of respect for the power of traumatic memory. It's good to know that you might unleash a real torrent of heightened thoughts and emotions. Because knowing that, you can better prepare.

Preparing is not just making sure your grounding skills are up to the task, and you and your T have a real shared understanding of what you're undertaking....it's also doing what you can to lighten your 'daily life' load. It's not much different from preparing for a big medical procedure, in that way - making sure you've lined up some recovery time, and have the support systems in place that you need. Everyone's are different.

I’m also scared of what he or anyone else (like here) would think of me. You guys and therapist have never been judgmental, but it’s still a fear I have. Judgment or pity...

I hear you. I wish I could say something to make this go away, but I do want to say - you're already partway there, just by acknowledging that you know we're not judging, you're aware it's a fear without a foundation. That doesn't erase the fear, but it does give you a weapon to combat it with.

You also get to do this in your own time. Lemme ask you - what's the worst thing that will happen if you don't work on/talk about/go anywhere near this part of your story, in the foreseeable future? If you just decide to compartmentalize it and leave it alone?

 

[piratelady]

Thank you for the perspective joeylittle :)

what's the worst thing that will happen if you don't work on/talk about/go anywhere near this part of your story, in the foreseeable future? If you just decide to compartmentalize it and leave it alone?

In the past when I've tried to just compartmentalize it and leave it alone, it's like it gets that much worse. Even more things trigger that memory, I have more flashbacks, nightmares, etc. Sometimes I feel like that memory has a mind of it's own and if I try to just leave it alone it gets mad and attacks me, so to speak. That's why therapist and I thought it best to just address it. Then see where I'm at, in regards to symptoms.

After I emailed therapist this past week, he replied that he understood and asked me to try to just set it aside until Wednesday. The first couple of days were hard, but then I haven't had any nightmares for a couple of days. Apparently, him telling me he's going to hold on to it until next week is actually helpful. I didn't think it would be, lol.

Anyway, all that just makes me feel like I have to address this sooner rather than later.

 

[joeylittle]

In the past when I've tried to just compartmentalize it and leave it alone, it's like it gets that much worse. Even more things trigger that memory, I have more flashbacks, nightmares, etc. Sometimes I feel like that memory has a mind of it's own and if I try to just leave it alone it gets mad and attacks me, so to speak. That's why therapist and I thought it best to just address it. Then see where I'm at, in regards to symptoms.

Thanks for this. It might help you to jot it down somewhere, or share it with your therapist - so the next time you're feeling like it may be worse out than in, you can remember that it's also pretty bad just keeping it in...

Apparently, him telling me he's going to hold on to it until next week is actually helpful. I didn't think it would be, lol.

That's great news, too. I'm often surprised, the things that I think won't work for me....then turn out to work. I'm glad to hear you have gotten some relief, this past week.

 

[piratelady]

Thanks Joey. The timing of your reply is uncanny lol. It helped me remember how very much I don’t want to talk about all of this tomorrow. After I replied I forgot all about it and then tried to convince myself there was no trauma. If only we all lived in The Matrix and Trauma was essentially a spoon.

It’s good though. I’ll re-read all the advice I got before my appointment tomorrow and hope for the best. My hearts already racing just thinking about it.

 

[piratelady]

I just wanted to give a quick update about how it went today, in case it helps someone else in the future. There is still more work to be done on communicating unfortunately.

I sent him an email last week with some of my feeling about the abuse. No details about what happened of course.

Today, after our usual update on my week. We dived right in. He mostly just talked to me about his thoughts regarding my email. A minute or two into the conversation I was struggling not to hyperventilate and to stay present. He noticed right away, stopped, and helped me breathe. Then we dove back in, but stayed a bit more shallow, so to speak.

He actually just talked for probably the majority of the appointment. Lots of explaining, logically that I didn’t deserve it, it’s not my fault, etc. He would stop periodically to check for understanding and try to get me to contribute to the conversation, but I couldn’t.

I kind of almost managed to verbalize how I use this incident to blame myself for the future abuse. He said something that made complete sense, but I’ve forgotten it. I emailed him to see if we can have that same part of the conversation next week.

My head is trying to organize everything he said still.

This process is really frustrating though. I had all these thoughts I could have shared with him, but I couldn’t make myself speak. Sure I can send another email and we can rinse and repeat next week, but it seems like so much is lost not to mention it is just dragging it out. I almost feel like I need to rip the band-aid off rather than dragging out the agony, but I still can’t get there. And I’m not sure it would be a lot better.

Another thing, he and I are just talking about the negative beliefs I have that resulted from this incident. But really when I get triggered it’s the events of what happened that replay through my head. Like I’m disgusted with my actions. I want to process this event without telling him what happened. But is there more value in letting him know what happened? I hope that makes sense.

 

[Freida]

Like I’m disgusted with my actions. I

I get this...totally. I still haven't made peace with my crap so it's a bit hypocritical of me to tell you anything.:laugh: but the difference is that you were a horribly abused child. No matter how disgusting it may appear to you it will never look like that to anyone else

. I want to process this event without telling him what happened. But is there more value in letting him know what happened?

My t and I debate this. Sometimes it helps to say it because when the words see daylight you can stomp them into dust. If you really trust your T then you can see what a "normal"person would think. Like...sadness at how horrible it is that a child had to go thru that, anger that an adult could harm a child like that, relief that you finally got it out, etc. She says that helps to reframe it.

On the other hand I have things that will never come out. But I think the important difference is that mine were at the end and yours is the beginning of your trauma. It set the stage for how you felt about everything that would come next. Maybe getting the Big Bad out of the way will help processing the rest go more easily?

 

[piratelady]

Maybe getting the Big Bad out of the way will help processing the rest go more easily?

As far as the childhood stuff, I think it’s mostly processed, except for this one. The other ones don’t give me nightmares anymore, I barely think about them. This one though, won’t go away.

I’ve emailed or told him about all the others, but I’m not really sure that’s what fixed it. Maybe I’ll give it more time sans details and see where that lands me. I mean one part of my guilt is already doing a lot better today. Operation: Rip the band-aid off as slowly and painfully as possible resumes.

 

[Freida]

Operation: Rip the band-aid off as slowly and painfully as possible resumes.

I'll be here cheering on the sidelines! :hug:

 

[grit]

To your question about can you heal this trauma without therapy? I think most people heal a lot outside of therapy while in therapy. Most changes are procedural and physiological not to mention deep psychological so technically you can but you would have to gain a lot of strength in dealing high frustration and anxiety or deep depression depending on your go to defend the cohesion of the self.
IMHO you seem to have a great deal of grounding techniques but maybe the bottom of this issue is attachment and you need another person to heal to work through it rather than self regulation.
I think all these energy going in to it may somewhat lighten its grip. So in essence it is not the memory you are holding onto it but preventing a self disintegration. Which could have been a real anxiety at the time of the abuse.

Try to focus if you are not already what you could do with all the extra energy if you release the tension. Hopefully that is a greater motivation than holding onto this memory since most likely you are in much better place today than you were as a child... Not discounting the fear is real in your body memory.

 

[piratelady]

So in essence it is not the memory you are holding onto it but preventing a self disintegration

But I am holding onto the memory. Everything seems to trigger it. I hear the word “whore” in a tv show... flashback. I see a certain kind of dog... flashback. Everything under the sun makes that memory replay in my head. That’s part of why I kind of feel like I have to tell someone but I just can’t. I wish I knew for sure I could get past this without having to divulge the details or if I’m just prolonging my agony.